The Legend of The Singularity


I had the misfortune of meeting Mario a little over a year ago.  I am still trying to decide whether he is a Brain Police agent or not. My inclination is that he isn’t; basically my gut reaction is “nobody acts that stupid; this is bona fide cluelessness.”  Still, at the very least he is an unwitting Brain Police pawn, so I have worked with him on various projects in the spirit of “keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”  Ol’ boy’s got some weird hormone problem, so I try not to get too near him, but I do keep an eye on him so I don’t find a packet of ranch in my drawer as a boobytrap.

He has actually threatened that, and them’s fightin’ words.

Granted, it would be easy enough to pick on aspects such as his lack of stature—he’s the only one who’s picture on a computer displays life-size—but I won’t sink to such jokes, as his lack of height is something beyond his control.  It’s more fun to nit-pick things he says.

So far, his inquiry “Are you growing that nail out on purpose?” takes the cake.

I’m not the only one who has disdain for this twizzler; both Trash and Smelly Shelly expressed their contempt for him by coining the nickname “TA-DA!”  As in, Totally Annoying Dumb Ass.

Other nicknames of shame have been suggested, such as “Will Robin-san” — the annoying, whiney child on LOST IN SPACE.  Admittedly, every time Mario wanders by and starts to talk, I get the urge to yell “Danger, Will Robin-san, Danger!” to the poor victim of his half-assed attempt at socializing.  

However, I feel that I have developed the most appropriate moniker for Mario:

The Singularity

For those who skipped or slept through astronomy, a “singularity” is the technical name for what is commonly called a “black hole.”

In other words, an incredibly small, incredibly dense object that does not contribute to its surroundings, but instead sucks all the life, light and energy from everything and everyone around it.

Yep; that’s Mario.

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