Season’s Greetings from the Octopus Garden

For those of you who don’t know, years ago I was bit bad by the Humbug. I hate Christmas. Don’t have a tree, don’t have a stocking, and definitely don’t join in any reindeer games. Same goes for other holidays this time of year: Chanukah, Kwanzaa, Independence Day (Finland), Emperor’s Birthday (Japan), Boxing Day (Australia,) Rizal Day (Philippines,) or Assumption of the Sacred Yak (Mongolia.)

I don’t “celebrate” Christmas so much as grudgingly “acknowledge” it. I’ll spare everyone the lecture on consumerism and deforestation in favor of a lesson in history. I “observe” Christmas on January 9^th. The December 25^th date was originally a Roman holiday (Sol Natalis) marking winter solstice; the Catholic Church adopted in the Fourth Century as part of their ingratiating Roman Empire sell-out. January 9^th was the day observed for Jesus’ birth before then, and though this too has vague pagan origins, Armenian Christians still observe it to this day.

More importantly, by observing it on the 9^th, I have an extra two weeks to shop and take advantage of those after-Christmas sales! Usually I give a gold lighter and some frankincense and myrrh. My present to all of you is the attached file. E-mail it to someone you don’t like, and then wish you could see their face when they run it. To know the ordeal you’ll be subjecting them to, run the program yourself. Have no fear: nothing bad will happen if you have faith in Branch Floridianism. It won’t damage the computer’s system but will severely traumatize the computer’s owner.

I had plans to further traumatize today’s youth by forming a rap group. We were going to dress like rabbis, call ourselves Hassidic Burn, and rap with bad Yiddish accents. Had the names, too: MC Escher, Transmaniacom MC, and Phat Albert. I even found two volunteers that had turntables and no shame. Then Evil Matt informed me it’d already been done. Black Shabbos did the full shtick back in ’89 or ’90, including pointing to a pig and saying “can’t touch this!”

Since we are on a tight timeline for World Domination, I would normally give you all an events schedule for the upcoming year [so we can coordinate things like burning down the Reichstag, invading the Sudatenland, and coordinating the astrology of the Concentration Moon (over the camp in the valley.) ] However, I am in the process of redoing our chronometer (see below) so that will be left for a future Update.

by saint 

It should be obvious to anyone with an IQ above 5 and a base knowledge of the First Century that the current calendar, which I call GrayGoryAum, makes no sense.  However, most people do not have an IQ above 5 or a base knowledge of the First Century, which is why the Brain Police have had us by the soft and danglies for so long.

According to GrayGoryAum, we are on the cusp of entering 1998. Currently, these dates are designated with the suffix, C.E. (Common Era.)  This replaces the older A.D. (Anno Domini, Year of our Lord) which meant that Jesus was born in the year 1.  The A.D. system was dropped in favor of C.E. because A.D. is neither “politically correct” nor chronologically correct either.

For the Bible to be correct, Jesus could not have been born in the year 1.  Matthew 2:1 and Luke 1:5 say that Jesus was born during the reign of Herod the King, which most likely refers to Herod the Great.  Herod the Great died in 4 B.C.  Luke 2:1-2 further complicates matters, because the census referred to occurred in 7 A.D.  However, the Herod reference seems the more accurate, or at least believable, which means the latest Jesus could have been born was 4 B.C. (!)  Some even argue more, based on Matthew 2:16, where Herod orders the death of all male children up to two years old.

The importance of this should not be overlooked: with the 4+ year drift, we are actually in the year 2001.  The Millennium has already come and gone.  I mention that just in case any of you are caught up in what I call Chris Carter Syndrome.

The year of Christ’s birth was determined by a Catholic monk named Dionysius Exiguus in the middle of the 7^th century.  As we can see, he was at least four years off, but then again when has the Catholic Church ever done anything right?  Continuing to use GrayGoryAum is to show our subservience to the Catholic church, and by proxy, the Brain Police.

As I mentioned, A.D. has been replaced with C.E.  Some of you no doubt recognize this acronym for what it really is: Chaotic Evil (now Save vs. Spells or take 3d6 damage!)  After all, Common Era?!?  What does the First Century have in common with ours?  Nothing!  Well, then as now the Brain Police were calling the shots, and People were and are still idiots, but that’s where the similarities cease.  Besides, the Brain Police and civil stupidity have an extensive pedigree from well before the First Century.

It should be abundantly clear that we need a new calendar system.  “We” of course means Branch Floridians: let everyone else trumpet their ignorance by continuing to use GreyGoryAum.  A new system not only proudly proclaims our competence, but is also mandatory for encrypting our timeline for World Domination.

While we’re at it, we need to redo the months. Currently, they make no sense.  For instance, “October” means “eighth month” but is tenth in the current sequence, “December” means “tenth month” but is twelfth, etc. “February”?  What’s up with that silent “R”, huh?  And “May”?  Personally, I don’t want a month with such an indecisive title.  I kind of like the idea of lunar months, but then again I also like Blue Öyster Cult, so what the hell do I know?

In a short story I wrote several year ago, I toyed with a calendar system based on the Zodiac (Aries was the first month, etc.)  Since I feel that Astrology (especially in its current form) is new-age nonsense, I think this would be the ideal system to use since it’s what the Brain Police would least expect of us.  I’m researching some of the older forms practiced among the Heretics.  As soon as I have a grip on their timelines and transliterations, I’ll bring everyone up to date.

But of course our ultimate goal is to “think for yourself”, so you should decide for yourself what calendar system you use. Be a lemming and stick with GrayGoryAum.  Or, do what I do and make up your own!  your own idea for our new calendar, either original or so archaic and obscure that even I have never heard of it.  Coolest concept wins an indulgence of your choice!

is the founder of Branch Floridianism, but if you don’t know that you shouldn’t be reading this!

by Raymond Shaw 

In our continuing series on movies as coded history (either past or future) we now turn our attention to that aquatic shocker, Jaws.

“This was no boating accident!”

Jaws is special for Branch Floridians because Florida is so coastal; if you’ve been to the beach you’ve swum with the sharks and not even known it.  saint, our “fearless” leader, saw Jaws debut at a Delray Beach drive-in back in 1975 (double-feature w/Soylent Green.)  To this day he refuses to go into the ocean at night.

The film is important in that it reminds us that we humans aren’t always at the top of the food pyramid, and that there are very real forces in nature that can phuq us up.  However, the movie also has some tremendously important Continuity Clues that apply to us all.  Let’s study the end, in slow motion.  You all know the scene: Sheriff Brody is in the crow’s nest of the sinking Orca with a mail-order M-1 Garand rifle.  Jaws has just made the turn at the kelp bed and is heading up the current.

Brody fires his first shot.  It misses, splashing debris into the beak of a seagull.

Brody’s second shot hits the back of Jaws just above the dorsal fin.  It comes out by the right gill, and proceeds into a remora: it enters through the top, comes out the side, nicks a pectoral fin, and comes to a rest embedded in the tail.  Despite making half a dozen non-aligned wounds, Brody’s bullet is still pristine.

The third shot from the sniper’s nest is the fatal head wound.  Study the way the oxygen tank blows:

Back, and to the left.

The cross-over to Apocalypse Now should be obvious: “never get out of the boat!’ (sharks and tigers and bears, oh my!)

Now you know why Charlie Don’t Surf.

is the kindest, bravest, warmest, most wonder human being I’ve ever met in my life.

Evil Matt answers your questions about doctrine, dogma, and other life dilemmas.

Q: What’s the official stance on Kosherness?