World Domination Update
The Sonoran Report”
volume 2, issue 6

Secret Word of the Day: my bee won’t stop buzzing!
Cheese of the Week: nacho
Site of the Week: Spice Slap
Conspiracy of the Week: Swiss Air Scam
Now Playing: Mothers; Freaks & Motherfu*#@%!

In this issue:

·  Madison Avenue Madness
·  Further Proof that Matt’s Hat Rules
·  Ask the Answer-Man
·  Hedgehogs around the House
·  And, as always, saint’s sermon

getting back on track with the plan

In the past, many of you may have thought that the Branch Floridians were just a comic relief outfit centering around cryptic history and bad taste.  All this “nonsense” about “world domination” was just that—a mere vehicle for tasteless humor centering around Catholic bashing and Kennedy references.

Well, that’s just what we wanted you to think.

We of the B.F. certainly do have a World Domination agenda—oh yes!!—but it is such a radical approach that the only way to implement it is to sugar-coat it with a sick, sardonic sense of humor.  The reason for this is two-fold.  First, it helps clear out the suckers who join our ranks either to spy on us or who are seeking a “world domination quick fix” (much like Crowley wannabe’s join O.T.O hoping to learn how to turn people into newts the first week they get in.)  Second, and more importantly, if we laid it out to you straight, your head would probably explode.

Remember: our real objective is “think for yourself!” and I think it’s safe to say that such a radical idea isn’t for everyone.  That is self evident: just look around you and see how many others in the word are thinking for themselves.  You can count them on one hand, right?

Of course, if we can get everybody to think for themselves, we will have achieved world domination, of a sort.

In attempting such an undertaking, it is important to study other organizations that have tried (or are still trying) their hand at world domination.  After all, if you want to take over the world, you have to know what techniques don’t work so you don’t repeat their mistakes.  Or become enslaved to them yourself.

In the past, all attempts at Control have ultimately been variations on one theme: Fear.  In secular attempts at world domination, this roughly amounts to “do what we say, or we will do something not very nice to you” (such as put you in prison or kill you.)  In theological attempts at world domination, this roughly amounts to “do what we say, or when you die you will spend the rest of eternity in the Bad Fiery Place.”

Of course, the separation of Church and State is a relatively recent phenomenon, so back in the Old Days it used to be a combination of the two.  The second technique (“obey or spend eternity in Hell”) was by far the more effective, for two reasons.  First, EVERYBODY dies eventually, and second, exactly what happens when someone dies is unknown.  When coupled with the technique of smothering independent thought, this proves to be a most effective tool.  With no one allowed to think for themselves, they were forced to trust the opinions of those in charge who said “this is the way it is.”

The most effective tool of this trade is suppression of Free Thought.  Obviously, if you started thinking for yourself, you might just realize that your “exalted leaders” are mere humans just like yourself and ultimately have just as little a clue about things as you do.  Of course, religion deals with unquantifiables: God(s), Afterlife, etc.  Therefore, more than ever their guess is as good as anyone else’s.

That can be modified by such variables as education—if the leaders are more intelligent and knowledgeable than the lay, their opinion might have more weight behind it.  And of course, controlling things such as education has been a stock weapon in the arsenal of almost every government in olden times—and even today.  Keep the people stupid, and they are less likely to cause problems—or at least be able to cause problems effectively.

It should go without saying that regulating free thought goes hand in hand with this.

To my knowledge, every religion in the world has some important story in its “mythology” that shows the “evils” of Thinking for Yourself.  In Judaism, for example, the ultimate cause of Man’s problems was Adam and Eve eating from the Tree of Knowledge (ie: things were fine until they got smart.)  In Hinduism, the central premise of the Bhagivad Gita was Arjuna starting to question his values (Thinking for Himself) which forced Brahman to materialize and tell him “stop that: this is how things are!”

Let’s take a minute to examine one of the most blatant bans on Free Thought, found in Christianity.


“…every one who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”

 –Matthew 5:28 


Think about that!  If you even think about committing adultery, then you have done it.  After all, will we not be judged by our hearts as well as our actions?

I think this is one of the most dangerous passages in the Bible.  Personally, I think there is a world of difference between thinking about doing something and actually acting upon that thought.  Just because I want to give Claudia Schiffer or Uma Thurmann a tongue bath does not mean that I have—or would if I actually could.  (okay, maybe Claudia.)  Granted, sometimes the boundaries between reality and fantasy are a bit blurry, but I think in this case they are still pretty clear.  And speaking of fantasy, what about dreams?  Are we now to face eternal damnation because of the subconscious stream of thoughts we experience in our sleep?

Adultery is just one facet of the issue: what about the other Commandments?  If this “you think about it, you’ve done it” attitude applies to one Commandment, why wouldn’t it apply to the others?  If I look at someone and think about killing them, I have effectively committed murder?  Adultery is mid on the list of importance: what if I think about the existence of other Gods (which would be “having other Gods before Me.”)  By extension, if I think about whether God doesn’t exist, have I denied Him in my heart?

Matthew 5:28 sets up a no-win scenario for everyone, and quite possibly on purpose.  After all, it makes it absolutely impossible not to sin, unless you turn off your brain.  So if even simple thought gets you in trouble, you are forced to fall under control of the salvation-giving overlords (or at least their Earthly intermediaries) if you want to avoid “that nasty place with the fire.”

Theologically, this is not an isolated example, either, though it is one of the more extreme.  But if you want to think for yourself, you have to decide for yourself what the parameters are—not let someone else do it for you.

Headwear Testimonials

Several of you (well, FireSkunk and RawBurn) have expressed negative vibes toward my black cowboy hat.  I would therefore like to share some more positive responses I have gotten.

Nice hat! : )   —MmeUnicorn

Nice hat. Can you wear it in the truck?   —Uncle Istivan

I liked the photo of you out west with the big hat. You remind me of OZZY with the long hair.   —Merlen Aerosmurph III

Thanks for the pic. It’s rather disturbing how much you look like Al Jourgensen of Ministry in this picture. Come to think of it, they haven’t put out any music since you left Chicago. Something you’re not telling me?   —Rev. 451

{{{Five pounds of flax and an indulgence, btw, to the good Reverend for recognizing my inspiration.  I saw the Ministry Live video a few years back, and said “Yeah! That’s what I want!”}}}

Strictly Commercial

Advertising has become so ingrained into society that many—if not most—of us have become desensitized to it.  Depending on where you live and what you do, a person can be exposed to over one hundred ads a day.  Most of us take ads so for granted that we tune them out.

That’s Danger Number One: they are now registering on a subconscious level.

What’s worse is, I know a couple of people who actually pay more attention to the advertisements than to the programs that interrupt them!  One of these people (whose name I won’t mention but whose initials are CBM) has gone so far that she actually believes the slogans these ads spout out as Gospel Truth!  About a year ago, she was planning to do a large audio taping session, and asked me to recommend an inexpensive but durable tape.  I named several; but to her surprise one of the brands I omitted was Memorex.  She asked about that, and I told her that my experience with Memorex tapes had been consistently bad.  CBM snaps back, “oh, I don’t know, ‘is it live, or is it Memorex?’!”  I pointed out that she was basing her opinion on a slogan, I was basing mine on empirical experience.

I’m willing to bet most of you have had similar experiences.  The point is, truth in advertising is a myth that most of us are not willing to take the time to actually verify them on our own.  The line between ‘truth’ and ‘slogan’ is becoming increasingly blurry of late.

For that matter, the line between ‘advertisement’ and ‘program’ is, too.  Advertisements have attained an art form of sorts, and (especially on television) are becoming increasingly difficult to distinguish from the “regular program.”  Likewise, many “regular programs” are becoming increasingly difficult to distinguish from advertisements.  These days, there are ad campaigns with recurring characters and even plots that stretch over several “episodes.”

I think that the ultimate insult (and one of the signs of the impending Apocalypse) is that there are now channels on television that do nothing but run advertisements and infomercials.

I am convinced that The Brain Police were the original backers behind Madison Avenue, and by studying the ads on the market today it is evident that they are still very much in control.  Our society has allowed advertisements to dictate fashion, culture, and even our very opinions.  And since advertisements have been allowed to mould our values, we now spend more time worrying if we’re too fat, have bad breath, or if our vehicle has enough status than we do worrying about our children’s Illiteracy, outbreaks of ebola, or whether Iraq has The Bomb.

But it gets worse, and far more sinister, if you actually study some of these ads. Granted, I can see the need to advertise useful products, like laundry detergent, cars, and restaurants.  But some of these products on the market are blatantly fronts by the Brain Police.  After all, how many people really need a Thighmaster, Civil War chess set, or a Sally Struthers Diploma?

Clearly the Brain Police are behind tripe like these.  My opinion used to be that if you called up and order these products, they would zap you over the phone line to kill you, because if you’re dumb enough to actually order this shit you should not be reproducing.  But of course, that was before I had a firm concept on how The Brain Police worked, for now I know that ordering that shit is precisely what they want.  My guess is, now if you call and order these things, you are effectively tagged like a wolf in the wild so They can monitor you more effectively.

Personally, I like the first solution better.

Ask Evil Matt

    Evil Matt answers your questions about doctrinal dilemmas.

    [As channeled by Sister Ob’Dewlla ‘X’]

Q: I want to join the Branch Floridians, but I don’t smoke. How can I satisfy the “communion with fire” requirement?

A: You could periodically singe hair, of course. Or you could burn incense and inhale the smoke.

Q: Who is Bwana Dik?

A: Although strongly hinted to be Aynsley Dunbar (who always gets there first; must be from playing the drums) he clearly spends most of his time just watching with binoculars. My guess would be Ian Underwood. After all, his wife Ruth was also in the band, so he was the only one who got “it” on a regular basis.

Q: Can I use Final Fortune to untap a Time Vault?

A: Yes. Since you would actually skip the Final Fortune turn, you would never reach the end of it to lose the game.

Q: Who’s the black private dick that’s a sex machine to all the chicks?

A: Shaft!

Q: Did Adam and Eve have belly buttons?

A: If you are even asking this question, you most likely are assuming that Adam and Ever were real people, and that the Genesis account(s) are actual, historical events.  Although saint and myself disagree with that (saint suspects the story to be a metaphor, but not historical) I will answer your question based on that phundamentalist assumption.  Belly buttons are the results of umbilical cords and “normal” births. Genesis actually gives two separate accounts of Human creation, neither of which are “normal.”  Gen 1:27 has God creating both man and woman simultaneously through the power of the Word (“Let there be…”)  Actually, the exact wording in v.26 is plural: “Let Us make man in Our image, after Our likeness…”  Momentarily putting aside the dilemma this causes (i.e.: Us?!?) humans are created, like everything else, through wordly Force of Will.  This is at odds with the second creation account of 2:7 where God crafts humans from dust and breathes life in through the nostrils.  And although 1:20-25 has all other living creatures created before man, 2:19 has the animals created after man was.  Clearly, the two accounts are at odds with each other, so take your pick of which one is correct.  Either way (Force of Will or Golem sculpting) Adam did not go through a “natural” birthing process.  Neither did Eve, who was either created (according to 1:27) simultaneously through Force of Word or later from Adam’s rib (2:21-22).  Either way, there would seem to be no umbilical cord involved, unless one does some lateral speculation on Luke 3:28 which recounts Jesus’s (well, Joseph’s) lineage all the way back to Adam, and slips in “…Adam, the Son of God.” If Adam were actually God’s son, it stands that God is Adam’s father, and the logical extension is that Adam must have had a mother (the “Us” of Gen 1:26?)  Back to being created in “Our” image, since humans give birth with the umbilical chord, it could be argued that this is an inherited characteristic taken from the Father (and Mother) of Adam. Therefore, God and the “Us” also have umbilical chords.  So to answer your question, it depends which account you prefer, and how creatively you wish to interpret it.

stuck with a conundrum?

Swiss Air Scam???

          saint recently received e-mail from Burning Bush, the head of our Maryland Chapter (and in-compound artist) which I will reprint here in full:

An interesting little tidbit. Flight 111 was bound for Geneva. Banker to the world. Among the things lost on flight 111 that were bound for these banks...

1. Bonds. Valued in the hundreds of millions
2. An unspecified amount of cut diamonds— theoretically 3 million worth. (i.e. a little baggy worth)
3. Picasso painting.  The Player— value... well... perhaps one of the most famous early blue period paintings.  Probably would’ve given Van Gogh a run for the money for the highest price paid for a painting.  And his was just of some stupid sunflowers.  Oh yeah, it was sent unprotected except for a standard wooden shipping crate.  And I KNOW what saltwater does to oilpaint.

Hmmmmm—sounds suspicious to me.  I did a little research, and found that only one passenger didn’t make the flight: Marvin Gardens of Atlantic City New Jersey. Marvin’s actions the week leading up to the flight are most suspicious: friends say he watched Andy Warhol’s “Empire State Building” five times in a row, eating only haggis during this period.  Most telling, Marvin is a major shareholder in Louvre It Or Leave It, a shady Amsterdam art house that was vying for The Player but lost out to a higher bidder (an anonymous Swiss octogenarian with a thick German accent who absolutely refuses to discuss his activities between 1933 and 1945.)  Gardens’ whereabouts are currently unknown, but I’ll wager that if you find him, you will find a lot of answers concerning Swiss Air 111.

    …and finally…

The Hedgehog Corner

By Harriet the Hedgehog

Hedgehogs aren’t just cute, cuddly little critters for amusement purposes, oh no! We actually have a number of practical uses.

  • Document shredder.  Got any incriminating evidence lying around?  Put it near our bedding, and we’ll take care of it.

  • Alarm system.  Keep an ear open for our “chuff chuffs” to get advanced warning of Brain Police barging in.

  • Pest control- We don’t just live off of mealie worms and dry cat food; we eat bugs of wide varieties.  I am particularly fond of crickets.

Harriet can be reached at

...that’s it for now,
so remember:

trust no one
deny everything
& always keep your lighter handy


© 1998 (II,vi)