World Domination Update
“Now with extra MSG!”
vol. IV, iss. vi
“The voice of one crying in the wilderness”
In this issue:
· God on the election
· Jonestown revisited
· False Farrell
· The Wendy’s Connection
· God gives bad statutes
· Ask Evil Matt
· World Domination, Beaver Style
Boy, it’s been busy back here at the BadAss cactus patch, with plans for World Domination well under way. Still, saint & I got the Christmas Cactus all decorated, a saguaro with ornaments hanging from the thorns; Harriet shredded some tinsel, too.
However, it’s not all reindeer games out here in the Sonoran. No sir! We’ve been watching world events with interest, and had to wait until the “election” had reached a “conclusion” before we could comment.
Fortunately, Branch Floridians have scored an information coup in this department:
GOD OVERRULES SUPREME COURT VERDICT
Bush to be smitten later today
[anonymous forward courtesy in our Legal Department]
In a stunning development this morning, God invoked the “one nation, under God” clause of the Pledge of Allegiance to overrule the Supreme Court decision that handed the White House to George Bush.
“I’m not sure where the Supreme Court gets off,” God said this morning on a rare Today Show appearance, “but I’m sure as hell not going to lie back and let Bush get away with this bullshit.”
“I’ve watched analysts argue for weeks now that the exact vote count in Florida ‘will never be known.’ Well, I’m God and I DO know exactly who voted for whom. Let’s cut to the chase: Gore won Florida by exactly 20,219 votes.”
Shocking political analysts and pundits, God’s unexpected verdict overrules the official Electoral College tally and awards Florida to Al Gore, giving him a 289-246 victory. The Bush campaign is analyzing God’s Word for possible grounds for appeal.
“God’s ruling is a classic over-reach,” argued Bush campaign strategist Jim Baker. “Clearly, a divine intervention in a U.S. Presidential Election is unprecedented, unjust, and goes against the constitution of the state of Florida, as well as the Federal separation of Church and State.”“Jim Baker’s a jackass,” God responded. “He’s got some surprises ahead of him, let me tell you. HOT ones, if you know what I mean.”
God, who provided the exact vote counts for every Florida precinct, explained that bad balloting machinery and voter confusion were no grounds to give the White House to “a fuckin’ idiot.”
“Look, only 612 people in Palm Beach County voted for Buchanan. Get real! The rest meant to vote for Gore. Don’t believe me? I’ll name them: Anderson, Pete; Anderson, Sam, Jr.; Arthur, James; Barnhardt, Ron...”
Our Lord then went on to note that he was displeased with George W. Bush’s prideful ways and announced that he would officially smite him today. In an act of wrath unlike any reported since the Book of Job, God has taken all of Bush’s goats and livestock, stripped him of his wealth and possessions, sold his family into slavery, forced the former presidential candidate into hard labor in a salt mine, and afflicted him with deep boils.
Dick Cheney will reportedly receive leprosy.
saint’s election peshar:
Gore conceded, so this is technically moot, but let’s face it: half the country is going to be unhappy no matter what.
I say the best way to settle this is for Gore to sue Bush for a revote. Under the Sixth Amendment, Gore and Bush are given the right to confront their witnesses. The witnesses in this case are the American public; each gives testimony in a voting booth, and their ballot is their evidence. If we took a fresh, new vote of the entire country this time AND MADE SURE IT WAS ACCURATE, no one could deny that it would conclusively tell us who the people wanted. If Bush truly believes he has the mandate of the people, he would win a second time. If his election was on the level, he has nothing to fear.
We don’t need a recount but a revote. People’s opinions have changed since the election: they have become either disillusioned or even more supportive of their favored candidate. And we need to do this .
There is nothing wrong with a revote—if done properly, there is no denying it would tell us who won and settle all doubts. Morally, it is the right thing to do, and anyone who disagrees is telling me they don’t think their candidate would win.
and now, shade’s more sobering commentary
First off, a hearty congratulations to all Branch Floridian voters who managed to sew confusion in the home state during the election. Unfortunately, our plan to use this to buy time for a Tallahassee Beer Hall Putsch fell through when Balls’O’Fire took a wrong turn on I-95, ending up in southern Georgia with a van full of ammonium nitrate and a lot of explaining to do to a State Trooper in a Stuckey’s parking lot.
Obviously, the election events only emphasize how much your vote doesn’t count, unless the party with more clout want it to. Then again, the poor manner in which both candidates have handled things has destroyed any confidence I had in either, and only reinforced my already low opinions of them both.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m no Gore supporter; the only nice thing I can say about him is that he likes Frank Zappa. But if even a skeptic like me is calling shenanigans on all this, you know something’s wrong.
It goes without saying Bush stole that election. Bush’s only hope for victory was to run out the clock with his ambiguous lead intact, which is precisely what he did. And what do you bet that five Supreme Court justices all get Swiss digit stocking stuffers this Christmas? Of course, that’s just what THEY want you to think. The Bush brigade calculatedly maneuvered these events.
The Gore Corps buys the bullshit placebo that a if couple thousand grannies had been more intent on the instructions and less on getting home to catch Matlock, it would be different. But it’s too easy to blame this on geriatric stupidity; if it hadn’t been that, the Brain Police would’ve dug up something else. Let’s face it: this election was decided in a CFR boiler room years ago; they just needed a way to orchestrate it in a publicly palatable way.
Aside from proving Bush is a Brain Police puppet who would be installed in office—popular vote be damned!—the whole recount thing emphasizes my fear in the manual ballot process. Those were being more than recounted; they were being dusted for prints, too!
Besides, we all know the real reason for the delays and confusion was because the Brain Police body double for Bush was still in beta-testing, and they had to drag things out until it could correctly parrot their party line properly. Like I said, THEY’d already decided Bush’d be it a few years ago, and had to draw it out until they got the kinks out of the Bush ’bot. Word around Area 51 is the problem was they used too much of the blueprint from his dad, and this version kept saying “Read my lips” and “New World Order” at awkward party moments.
Anyway, I’ll end this election tirade, except to say this: I grew up in Palm Beach County, and this reinforced why I moved out of Florida in the first place.
...in other news...
the gumbys mgr went skinhead huh? makes sense though. most ultra-right wing types are typically chinsey with dairy products. it is rumoured that nazi researchers are responsible for margarine, although this is unconfirmed.
I recently met a bona fide Branch Davidian, who was in Washington State at the time of the Texas events. Nice guy, who genuinely believes the Koreshian system. He’s thought about it and both his heart and mind have validated it, so I have no problem with his theology other than the accepted p.o.v. disagreement. He’s cool with that, too. He is as yet unaware of my own ministry and its sardonic standpoint; I’m still feeling him out before I broach the subject. But if all goes well, I am hoping he will put me in touch with his friend Clive Doyle, a Waco survivor who is the current head of the remnant Davidian church. With some luck, an actual interview with Doyle will be featured in an upcoming update.
Stuck in the Jungle
Last issue’s exposé on the Jonestown massacre seems to have stirred up considerable interest in the subject, both within and outside Branch Floridian circles. Still, the key question of “just what the phuq happened?!?” remains painfully unanswered. One credible theory that was largely omitted for space considerations does need to be addressed. Jones’s second in command, Terri Buford, survived the ’Town’s self destruction and went into hiding for her life. A few years ago she broke her silence in a USA Today Interview where she claims that money was the main motivation behind the murders. Specifically, 26 million in church funds disappeared just after the terminal conclusion of People’s Temple. Ms. Buford claimed the “mass suicide” was a carefully orchestrated cover-up designed to eliminate all the witnesses and derail potential inquiry; Jones had planned to escape (with the money) when everyone else was dead, but was shot (for reasons unstated) by former bodyguard Michael Prokes. Prokes himself later commit suicide at a live press conference, so this is ultimately unconfirmable. Although there are obvious problems with Buford’s story, one must admit it makes the most sense.
In any case, while researching Jonestown, I came in contact with an academic site at San Diego State University devoted to Jonestown. They were extremely helpful with my inquiries, and I reciprocated by turning over an excerpt of a Jones sermon that they were unfamiliar with. It is easily one of the creepiest things you’ll ever hear; click here and you’ll see what I mean.
The Jonestown website runs a yearly newsletter updating developments in Jonestown research: new findings, happenings, and perspectives. My article fit right in, and while too long for the printed version, was linked to in the on-line edition. The synopsis of my work is most interesting:
Matthew Thomas Farrell’s article, “Jonestown: A Skeptic’s Perspective” which analyzes the tape of Jonestown’s final hour in the context of various conspiracy theories about Jones’s CIA connections can be found on-line at: http://members.aol.com/Stshade/wdu45.html#jones. The article was originally published in the World Domination Update, a newsletter which, as Farrell describes it, “purports to expose various conspiracies and control groups.”
As many of you may know, I supplement Branch Floridian coffers by writing science fiction on the side under the nom de plum Matthew Thomas Farrell. It has recently come to my attention that there is another ‘Matthew Farrell’ just starting out in the sci-fi writing business. He even has a website: www.FarrellWorlds.com.
This is not me! This is an imposter! Really!
Clearly the Brain police intend to rub me out and supplant this doppelganger in my place, hoping no one will notice. Of course, loyal Branch Floridian fans familiar with my extant corpus of material would immediately notice the lack of cryptology and enigmata, but gentiles might not be so observant.
Be forewarned, and accept no imitation!BBQ Schism
Wolfire reports (and possibly even participates in) a Phoenix cult devoted exclusively to barbecue sauce. Initiation includes having to swim through a pool of barbecue, and then sit still while it is licked off by nubile young females who have already passed the rite; laugh or smile during this is grounds for disqualification. No confirmation if this is true or not, as saint and my repeated (and enthusiastic!) attempts to gain admittance have not been replied to.
More Peninsular proof of evil
Last issue we conclusively uncovered the connection between the Ranch Peninsular heresy and Gumby’s Pizza, naming Shaggy as one of the henchman. Now we have empirical evidence that the Ranch seeks to undo more than just the Barbecue/Cigarette/Coffee connection, they are actively opposed to our very foundation of THINK FOR YOURSELF!
At a recent party at Shaggy’s house, saint met a coed being wooed by the Ranch, who told him “I hate thinking; thinking is stupid!”
The Branch Floridian Quizzes have become a popular feature of recent, with responses being surprisingly numerous and witty. Enough so that I have constructed a Quiz Archive.
Dead Sea Discoveries
Three new caves near Qumran have recently been unearthed, with startling discoveries inside. The caves themselves were a chance discovery, when archaeologists found what they had originally assumed was a large (yet ancient) goat trail actually turned out to be a well-worn path leading up to a boulder. Said boulder blocked the entrance to what is now known as cave 8Q, behind which were found plans for a better mousetrap.
In an adjoining cave (9Q) were the skeletal remains of an ancient Canaanite, surprisingly well preserved to the extent that it was clear the person had hung himself. In his hand was a scrap of paper reading “50,000 sheckles on Goliath.”
Still, the most startling discovery was just across the wadi, where a virtual cache of alternative Biblical material was unearthed by a Bedouin shepherd who sold much of it, in his ignorance, for $750,000. The scroll causing the biggest stir is 10Q23a which scholars are now in general agreement would seem to be the Cheque for the Last Supper:
speaking of food...
shade’s shit list nominee...
I did drive-through at Wendy’s the other night, and asked for a “large chili with cheddar cheese.” Simple enough, you’d think, but wait! When I got home to partake, I found this weird white shit crumbled all over the top. Looked like somebody’d honked up cauliflower all over it. It took me a minute to realize what I was looking at.
Jesus Christ, what kind of sick savages are dealing with here that would put phuqing feta cheese on chili, man? I mean, I can see the phonetic similarity: “cheddar” vs. “feta” BUT STILL!!! There’s a point where common sense should kick in and they should clarify and confirm.
Probably the scariest thing is, I ate it. Actually, it didn’t taste as bad as it sounds. Of course, since it sounds like day old dog shit, that’s not saying much...
But this has me rethinking the whole cheese situation out here. Half the time you can’t get any, and when you can, it’s entirely the wrong type! What the phuq?!? Anyway, that’s strike two against the Arizona Dairy Association, and one more cheese mishap, and I’m moving to Switzerland. At least they have good cheese there, and the government won’t phuq with you as long as you keep your checkbook balanced.
“Sprechen sie cheese?”
Anyway, in light of this, and their once giving me a big pack of ranch when I asked for barbecue sauce, I am now convinced that Wendy’s is part of the Conspiracy, making myfast food shit list and is thus to be shunned.
Moreover I gave them statutes that were not good and ordinances by which they could not have life; and I defiled them in their very gifts by making by making them offer by fire all their first-born, that I might horrify them. I did it that they might know that I am The Lord.
Got to admit, this one has me stumped. This passage not only directly contradicts the previous parts of the chapter, but more importantly goes against most folks’ over-all concept of God. God has just admitted that ‘the statutes (read: Laws, Commandments) were not good, and by them (the people of Israel) could not have life.’ One would think that this contradicts the very nature of God, and the whole point behind the Mosaic law. Yet here God Himself admits He is acting against the best interest of his own people.
We really have only two conclusions: the passage is a fraudulent insert, or it is a really bad translation garbled by unclear intent.
Ezekiel was an unusual prophet, but the lengthy book that bears his name is equally of curious character. It combines Ezekiel’s own words with post-scripted commentary from an anonymous outside source. That fact is evident from the very first verses, where Ezekiel himself gives the time frame of his first vision (1:1), only to have this information repeated in third person (1:2-3) by an unidentified narrator.
The chapter 20 vision is a self-contained unit told from first person: “And the word of The Lord came to me: ‘Son of Man, speak to the elders of Israel, and say to them, ‘Thus says The Lord...” (20:2-3) God warns the present people of Israel to mend their ways by contrasting what has happened to them in the past. Looking back, God reflects that after he freed the people from Egypt (v.:10) He thereafter tried to give them statutes and ordinances by which the people could have life, but which were repeatedly rejected by the people. Twice (at least!) God goes to the brink of destroying them in childish, frustrated rage for their failure to follow orders, but at the last moment changes His mind (maybe He saw a rainbow reminding Himself not to.) This pattern is repeated twice (:11, :21) until the :25-26 verse where God admits that the statutes He had been giving were bad and the people could not have had life from them after all.
If that is the case, no wonder they were being repeatedly rejected.
God’s commentary at that point becomes especially murky when He includes the admission to defiling the Israelites by forcing to offer their firstborn in burnt-offering fire. This is confusing in that it again not only contradicts the accepted notion of God, but contradicts applicable passages elsewhere in the Bible:
· “...they have built the High Place of Topheth... to burn their sons and their daughters in the fire, which I did not command nor did it come into my mind.” (Jer 7:31)
The confusion and contradiction caused by the Ezekiel passage immediately brings to mind an earlier conundrum, that of Jeremiah 8:8 “...the false pen of the scribes has made (the Law of The Lord) into a lie.” As we just saw, Ezekiel has God ordering first born burnt offerings, Jeremiah and Leviticus have God forbidding that. Somebody got it wrong, and turned the tenet into a lie. As shown with the very first verses, the book of Ezekiel itself shows unquestionable signs of revision—the opening verses alone prove that—so one must wonder, is this 3rd person material from one of the false-penning scribes? Or is this yet another example of The Lord changing His mind about something?
There are no easy answers here, and I am curious to hear alternative viewpoints on this. Reader commentary is encouraged, and as usual will be posted.
ask evil matt
as channeled by Sister Ob’dewlla ’X’ with a ouija board.
Seems this time around it wasn’t so much ‘Ask Evil Matt’ as ‘Spam Evil Matt’...
Q: I got you your email address from nezilbamarketing.4t.com
Would you like to exchange hardcore mpegs with me?
I have a huge collection which I have downloaded from lots of adult pay sites. You can download about 200 of them from my free website http://www.sexxxpages.com/fatmike All I ask is that you send me a couple of mpegs in return. (if u have any!)MIKE.
A: Sorry, Mike, but the only xxx pics I got are the ones of you and your momma, which I’m guessing you already have. Besides, considering how fat she is, those things are huge! Hell, her pussy alone takes up 14 megs!
Q: What’s the capital of New Hampshire?
[note-Team Evil Matt got 2 points and some flax for getting that right at the Horse & Hound recently.]
Q: Flax?!? What’s up with that, anyway?
A: Contrary to popular Brain Police myth, ‘flax’ is not a metaphor for marijuana or any other herbal narcotic. Although Flax is the acknowledged currency of both the Illuminatus and the Discordians (if Robert Anton Wilson is to be believed,) the Branch Floridian origins of Flax can be traced to Evil Matt’s tenure at FSU in ’89. He and two friends (Jake Underhill and Drew McWeenie) used to kill time playing a card game called ‘Pit’. Stock exchange game; the suits were commodities, which were traded between players until someone had all 7 of a specific suit, at which point they had a corner on the market and could claim the appropriate amount of points that commodity was worth. All the suits were crops; Wheat was worth 100, Barley 80, etc. Flax was the low man on the totem, worth either 20 or 40 points. Not worth collecting, and universally distained by all players. It became synonymous for ‘worthless,’ and the running joke became “I’ll give you some flax for it” to show contempt for something. Thus, it seemed ideal for Branch Floridian currency.
The Hedgehog Corner
By Harriet the Hedgehog (and shade)
Beaver Conspiracy Revisited
As was recently reported on CNN, 50 years ago an Argentinean firm attempted to breed some beavers for pelts, but the venture went belly up and the hapless animals were released into the wilds of Tiera del Fuego, an island at the tip of South America. There are no natural beaver predators on Tiera del Fuego, so the industrious rodents have bred unchecked over the past half century, and estimates now place their population well over several hundred thousand. Worse, the beavers have essentially deforested the island between their logging and resultant flooding from dams. It is an ecological disaster. Obviously, the beavers are running out of room and resources, so are hatching plans to expand their territory. Beavers can swim, and are hungrily eyeing the mainland with invasion in mind.
Harriet, our intrepid hedgehog, has been looking into this with active interest, and has made some startling discoveries.
First and foremost, the original venture to breed the beavers. 50 years ago, Argentina was a hotbed of Nazi refugee activity, and the beaver farm was started as an “above-board” venture to help fund the Odessa escape route. One reason the venture went under was the high proportion of beavers that had blonde hair and blue eyes, which was not in fitting with world furriers’ needs for a dark-skinned matching jackets. However, the Teutonic overlords also instilled their Aryan hostility into their furry underlings, which accounts for the amazing blitzkrieg across Argentinean sublets. During the Falkland Islands conflict, several beavers were captured by British sailors, who dismissed their cries of “Deutschland, Deutschland Über Biber!” as an Argentinean misinformation campaign. Likewise, Argentinean military assumed beaver communications of “Today Tiera del Fuego, tomorrow the World!” to be clever British misinformation designed to divert vital resources to the southwest, away from the Falklands. If only both sides had compared notes, the beaver crisis might have been nipped in the bud.
Alas, it was not, and with Tiera del Fuego now firmly under beaver control, they are making a concerted effort to coordinate a 3-pronged front on the entire western hemisphere! Beaver populations have been steadily on the rise in both British Columbia and Washington State/Oregon, but recently beavers were reintroduced to the Maryland area with disastrous results. Again, with no natural predators, the Maryland area has been overrun, with massive flooding due to extensive dam building catching the attention of the Environmental Protective Agency, enough to declare a state emergency in rural regions 6 months ago! Obviously, Maryland is next door to Washington D.C. so the beaver’s focus should be clear.
We are on the verge of a massive beaver invasion, and soon could be up to our knees in beavers. Some might not thing this is a bad thing, but remember: the beaver is the 2nd largest rodent in the world, and the 6th most intelligent animal on the planet. This threat needs to be taken seriously!
Fortunately, Branch Floridians are at the fore of addressing the Beaver Blitzkrieg. Obviously, the orders are coming from their fortress on Tiera del Fuego, so Mosure (our most recent pledge) has suggested a fact-finding expedition there to assess their strengths and weaknesses. saint likes this idea, and even said it would make a good commando raid for training purposes. shade and Medium Rer are also down for a hunt, and saint vows to bag an albino beaver and turn it into a hat.
Branch Floridians interested in joining the Great Tiera del Fuego Beaver Hunt of 2001 should click .
Anyway, that’s it for now. Have happy holiday, and I’ll catch up with y’all next year. So until next time,
Trust no one
And always keep your lighter handy!
© 2000 (IV,vi)
back to the archive