World Domination Update
“Now
with extra MSG!”
vol. IV, iss. vi
“The voice of one crying in the wilderness”
—Matthew 3:3
Secret Word of the Day: Site of the Week: Disinformation
Dot Com Barbecue Sauce of the Week: Cactus Jack’s tonsil-teasing mildly
spicy Now Playing: Pat Benatar, “Best Shots”
Boy, it’s been busy
back here at the BadAss cactus patch, with plans for
World Domination well under way. Still, saint & I got the Christmas
Cactus all decorated, a saguaro with ornaments hanging from the thorns; Harriet
shredded some tinsel, too.
However, it’s not all reindeer games out here in the Sonoran. No sir!
We’ve
been watching world events with interest, and had to wait until the “election” had reached a
“conclusion” before we could
comment.
Fortunately,
Branch Floridians have scored an information coup in this department:
BREAKING NEWS:
GOD OVERRULES SUPREME COURT VERDICT
Bush to be smitten later today
[anonymous forward
courtesy
in our Legal Department]
In a stunning development this morning, God invoked the
“one nation, under
God” clause of the Pledge of Allegiance to overrule the Supreme Court
decision that handed the White House to George Bush.
“I’m not sure where the Supreme Court gets off,” God said this morning
on a
rare Today Show appearance, “but I’m sure as hell not going to lie back and
let Bush get away with this bullshit.”
“I’ve watched analysts argue for weeks now that the exact vote count in
Florida ‘will never be known.’ Well, I’m God and I DO know exactly who
voted for whom. Let’s cut to the chase: Gore won Florida by exactly 20,219
votes.”
Shocking political analysts and pundits,
God’s unexpected verdict overrules
the official Electoral College tally and awards Florida to Al Gore, giving
him a 289-246 victory. The Bush campaign is analyzing God’s Word for
possible grounds for appeal.
“God’s ruling is a classic over-reach,” argued Bush campaign
strategist Jim
Baker. “Clearly, a divine intervention in a U.S. Presidential
Election is
unprecedented, unjust, and goes against the constitution of the state of Florida,
as well as the Federal separation of Church and State.”
“Jim Baker’s a jackass,” God responded.
“He’s got some surprises
ahead of
him, let me tell you. HOT ones, if you know what I mean.”
God, who provided the exact vote counts for every Florida precinct,
explained that bad balloting machinery and voter confusion were no grounds
to give the White House to “a fuckin’ idiot.”
“Look, only 612 people in Palm Beach County voted for Buchanan. Get
real! The rest meant to vote for Gore. Don’t believe me?
I’ll name them:
Anderson, Pete; Anderson, Sam, Jr.; Arthur, James; Barnhardt, Ron...”
Our Lord then went on to note that he was displeased with George W.
Bush’s
prideful ways and announced that he would officially smite him today. In
an act of wrath unlike any reported since the Book of Job, God has taken
all of Bush’s goats and livestock, stripped him of his wealth and
possessions, sold his family into slavery, forced the former presidential
candidate into hard labor in a salt mine, and afflicted him with deep boils.
Dick Cheney will reportedly receive leprosy.
saint’s election peshar:
Gore conceded, so this is technically moot,
but let’s face it: half the country is going to be unhappy no matter what.
I say the best way to settle this is for Gore to sue Bush for a
revote. Under
the Sixth Amendment, Gore and Bush are given the right to confront their
witnesses. The witnesses in this case are the American public; each gives testimony in
a voting booth, and their ballot is their evidence. If we took a fresh, new
vote of the entire country this time AND MADE SURE IT WAS ACCURATE, no one could
deny that it would conclusively tell us who the people wanted. If Bush
truly believes he has the mandate of the people, he would win a second
time. If his election was on the level, he has nothing to fear.
We don’t need a recount but a revote.
People’s
opinions have changed since the election: they have become either disillusioned or even more
supportive of their favored candidate. And we need to do this .
There is nothing wrong with a revote—if done properly, there is
no denying it would tell us who won and settle all doubts. Morally,
it is the right thing to do, and anyone who disagrees is telling me they
don’t think their candidate would win.
and now, shade’s more sobering commentary
Electile Dysfunction
First off, a hearty congratulations to all Branch Floridian
voters who managed to sew confusion in the home state during the election.
Unfortunately, our plan to use this to buy time for a Tallahassee Beer Hall
Putsch fell through when Balls’O’Fire took a wrong turn on I-95, ending up in
southern Georgia with a van full of ammonium nitrate and a lot of explaining to
do to a State Trooper in a Stuckey’s parking lot.
Obviously, the election events only emphasize how much your vote
doesn’t count, unless the party with more clout want it to. Then
again, the poor manner in which both candidates have handled things has
destroyed any confidence I had in either, and only reinforced my already low
opinions of them both.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m
no Gore supporter; the only nice thing I can say about him is that he likes
Frank Zappa. But if even a skeptic like me is calling shenanigans on all
this, you know something’s wrong.
It goes without
saying Bush stole that election. Bush’s
only hope for victory was to run out the clock with his ambiguous lead intact,
which is precisely what he did. And what do you bet that five Supreme
Court justices all get Swiss digit stocking stuffers this Christmas? Of
course, that’s just what THEY want you to think. The Bush brigade calculatedly maneuvered these
events.
The Gore Corps buys the bullshit placebo that a if couple thousand grannies had been more intent on the instructions and
less on getting home to catch Matlock, it would be different. But it’s
too easy to blame this on geriatric stupidity; if it hadn’t been that,
the Brain Police would’ve dug up something else. Let’s
face it: this
election was decided in a CFR boiler room years
ago; they just needed a way to orchestrate it in a publicly palatable way.
Aside from proving Bush
is a Brain Police puppet who would be installed in office—popular vote be
damned!—the whole recount thing emphasizes my fear in the manual ballot
process. Those were being more than recounted; they were being dusted for
prints, too!
Besides, we all know the real reason for the delays
and confusion was because the Brain Police body double for Bush was still in
beta-testing, and they had to drag things out until it could correctly parrot their party
line properly. Like I said, THEY’d already decided Bush’d be it a few years ago,
and had to draw it out until they got the kinks out of the Bush ’bot. Word
around Area 51 is the problem was they used too much of the blueprint from his
dad, and this version kept saying “Read my lips” and “New World
Order” at awkward party moments.
Anyway, I’ll end
this election tirade, except to
say this: I grew up in Palm Beach County, and this reinforced why I moved out of Florida in the first place.
...in other news...
Reader Feedback
the gumbys mgr went skinhead huh?
makes sense though. most ultra-right wing types are typically chinsey with dairy
products. it is rumoured that nazi researchers are responsible for margarine,
although this is unconfirmed.
—
Branch Contact
I recently met a bona fide Branch Davidian, who was in
Washington State at the time of the Texas events. Nice guy, who genuinely
believes the Koreshian system. He’s thought about it and both his
heart and mind have validated it, so I have no problem with his theology other
than the accepted p.o.v. disagreement. He’s cool with that, too. He
is as yet unaware of my own ministry and its sardonic standpoint; I’m still
feeling him out before I broach the subject. But if all goes well, I am
hoping he will put me in touch with his friend Clive Doyle, a Waco survivor who
is the current head of the remnant Davidian church. With some luck, an
actual interview with Doyle will be featured in an upcoming update.
Stuck in the Jungle
Last issue’s exposé on the Jonestown massacre seems to have
stirred up considerable interest in the subject, both within and outside
Branch Floridian circles. Still, the key question of “just what the phuq
happened?!?” remains painfully unanswered. One credible theory that was
largely omitted for space considerations does need to be addressed. Jones’s second in command, Terri Buford, survived the
’Town’s self destruction
and went into hiding for her life. A few years ago she broke her silence
in a USA
Today Interview where she claims that money was the main motivation behind the
murders. Specifically, 26 million in church funds disappeared
just after the terminal conclusion of People’s Temple. Ms. Buford claimed
the “mass suicide” was a carefully orchestrated cover-up designed to
eliminate all the witnesses and derail potential inquiry; Jones had planned to
escape (with the money) when everyone else was dead, but was shot (for reasons
unstated) by former bodyguard Michael Prokes. Prokes himself later commit suicide at a live
press conference, so this is ultimately unconfirmable. Although there are obvious
problems with Buford’s story, one must admit it makes the most sense.
In any case, while researching Jonestown, I came in contact with
an academic site at San Diego State University devoted to Jonestown. They
were extremely helpful with my inquiries, and I reciprocated by turning over an
excerpt of a Jones sermon that they were unfamiliar with. It is easily one
of the creepiest things you’ll ever hear; click here
and you’ll see what I mean.
The Jonestown website runs a yearly newsletter updating
developments in Jonestown research: new findings, happenings, and
perspectives. My article fit right in, and while too long for the printed
version, was linked to in the on-line
edition. The synopsis of my work is most interesting:
Matthew
Thomas Farrell’s article, “Jonestown: A Skeptic’s Perspective” which
analyzes the tape of Jonestown’s final hour in the context of various conspiracy
theories about Jones’s CIA connections can be found on-line at: http://members.aol.com/Stshade/wdu45.html#jones.
The article was originally published in the World Domination Update, a
newsletter which, as Farrell describes it, “purports to expose various
conspiracies and control groups.”
False Farrell
As many of you may know, I supplement Branch Floridian coffers by writing
science fiction on the side under the nom de plum Matthew Thomas Farrell.
It has recently come to my attention that there is another ‘Matthew
Farrell’
just starting out in the sci-fi writing business. He even has a website: www.FarrellWorlds.com.
This is not me! This is an imposter! Really!
Clearly the Brain police intend to rub me out and supplant this doppelganger
in my place, hoping no one will notice. Of course, loyal Branch Floridian
fans familiar with my extant corpus of material would immediately notice the
lack of cryptology and enigmata, but gentiles might not be so observant.
Be forewarned, and accept
no imitation!
BBQ
Schism
Wolfire reports (and possibly even participates in) a Phoenix
cult devoted exclusively to barbecue sauce. Initiation includes having to
swim through a pool of barbecue, and then sit still while it is licked off by
nubile young females who have already passed the rite; laugh or smile during
this is grounds for disqualification. No confirmation if this is true or
not, as saint and my repeated (and enthusiastic!) attempts to gain admittance
have not been replied to.
More Peninsular proof of evil
Last issue we conclusively uncovered the connection between the
Ranch Peninsular heresy and Gumby’s Pizza, naming Shaggy as one of the
henchman. Now we have empirical evidence that the Ranch seeks to undo more
than just the Barbecue/Cigarette/Coffee connection, they are actively opposed to
our very foundation of THINK FOR YOURSELF!
At a recent party at
Shaggy’s house, saint met a coed being
wooed by the Ranch, who told him “I hate thinking; thinking is
stupid!”
Quiz
Whizzes
The Branch Floridian Quizzes have become a popular feature of
recent, with responses being surprisingly numerous and witty. Enough so
that I have constructed a Quiz Archive.
Dead Sea Discoveries
Three new caves near Qumran have recently been unearthed, with
startling discoveries inside. The caves themselves were a chance
discovery, when archaeologists found what they had originally assumed was a
large (yet ancient) goat trail actually turned out to be a well-worn path
leading up to a boulder. Said boulder blocked the entrance to what is now known as cave
8Q,
behind which were found plans for a better mousetrap.
In an adjoining cave (9Q) were the skeletal remains of an
ancient Canaanite, surprisingly well preserved to the extent that it was clear
the person had hung himself. In his hand was a scrap of paper reading “50,000 sheckles on Goliath.”
Still, the most startling discovery was just across the wadi,
where a virtual cache of alternative Biblical material was unearthed by a Bedouin
shepherd who sold much of it, in his ignorance, for $750,000. The scroll
causing the biggest stir is 10Q23a which scholars are now in general agreement
would seem to be the Cheque for the Last Supper:
· 2 baskets matzoh sticks
· 12 lox on a bagel
· 1 ham & cheddar on rye
· 1 paschal lamb
· 13 sides of mint jelly
· 1 bottle of Manischevitz
Moreover I gave them statutes that were not good and ordinances by which they
could not have life; and I defiled them in their very gifts by making by making
them offer by fire all their first-born, that I might horrify them. I did
it that they might know that I am The
Lord.
—Ezekiel 20:25-26
Got to admit, this one has me
stumped. This passage not only directly contradicts the previous parts of
the chapter, but more importantly goes against most folks’ over-all concept of
God. God has just admitted that ‘the statutes (read: Laws, Commandments) were
not good, and by them (the
people of Israel) could not have life.’ One would think that this
contradicts the very nature of God, and the whole point behind the Mosaic
law. Yet here God Himself admits He is acting against the best interest
of
his own people.
We really have only two
conclusions: the passage is a fraudulent insert, or it is a really bad
translation garbled by unclear intent.
Ezekiel was an unusual prophet,
but the lengthy book that bears his name is equally of curious character.
It combines Ezekiel’s own words with post-scripted commentary from an anonymous outside
source. That fact is evident from the very first verses, where Ezekiel
himself gives the time frame of his first vision (1:1), only to have this
information repeated in third person (1:2-3) by an unidentified narrator.
The
chapter 20 vision is a self-contained unit told from first person: “And the
word of The Lord came to me:
‘Son of Man, speak to the elders of Israel, and say
to them, ‘Thus says The Lord...” (20:2-3) God warns the present
people of Israel to mend their ways by contrasting what has happened to them in
the past. Looking back, God reflects that after he freed the people from
Egypt (v.:10) He thereafter tried to give them statutes and ordinances by which
the people could
have life, but which were repeatedly rejected by the people. Twice (at
least!) God goes to the brink of destroying them in childish, frustrated rage
for their failure to follow orders, but at the last moment changes His mind
(maybe He saw a rainbow reminding Himself not to.) This pattern is
repeated twice (:11, :21) until the :25-26 verse where God admits that the
statutes He had been giving were bad and the people could not have had life from
them after all.
If
that is the case, no wonder they were being repeatedly rejected.
God’s
commentary at that point becomes especially murky when He includes the admission
to defiling the Israelites by forcing to offer their firstborn in burnt-offering
fire. This is confusing in that it again not only contradicts the accepted
notion of God, but contradicts applicable passages elsewhere in the Bible:
·
“you shall not give any of your children to
devote them by fire to Molech and so profane the name of your God.”
(Lev 18:21)
· “...they have built the High Place of
Topheth... to burn their sons and their daughters in the fire, which I did not
command nor did it come into my mind.” (Jer 7:31)
The
confusion and contradiction caused by the Ezekiel passage immediately brings to
mind an earlier conundrum, that of Jeremiah 8:8
“...the false pen of the scribes has made (the Law of The
Lord) into a
lie.” As we just saw, Ezekiel has God ordering first born burnt offerings,
Jeremiah and Leviticus have God forbidding that. Somebody
got it wrong, and turned the tenet into a lie. As shown with the very first
verses, the book of Ezekiel itself shows unquestionable signs of revision—the
opening verses alone prove that—so one must wonder, is this 3
rd
person material from one of the false-penning scribes? Or is this yet another
example of The Lord changing His mind about something?
There
are no easy answers here, and I am curious to hear alternative viewpoints on
this. Reader commentary is encouraged, and as usual will be posted.
.
ask evil matt
as channeled by Sister
Ob’dewlla ’X’ with a ouija board.
Seems this time around it wasn’t so much ‘Ask Evil Matt’ as ‘Spam Evil
Matt’...
Q:I got you your email address from nezilbamarketing.4t.com
Would you like to exchange hardcore mpegs with me?
I have a huge collection which I have downloaded from lots of adult pay sites. You can download about 200 of
them from my free website http://www.sexxxpages.com/fatmike All I ask is that you send me a couple of mpegs
in return.
(if u have any!)
MIKE.
A: Sorry, Mike, but the only xxx pics I got are the ones of you and
your momma, which I’m guessing you already have. Besides, considering how fat
she is, those things are huge! Hell, her pussy alone takes up 14
megs!
Q:What’s the capital of New Hampshire?
A: Concord.
[note-Team Evil Matt got 2 points and some flax for getting that right at the
Horse & Hound recently.]
Q:
Flax?!? What’s up with that, anyway?
A: Contrary to popular Brain Police myth,
‘flax’ is not a metaphor for
marijuana or any other herbal narcotic. Although Flax is the acknowledged currency of
both the Illuminatus and the Discordians (if Robert Anton Wilson is to be
believed,) the Branch Floridian origins of Flax can be traced to Evil Matt’s
tenure at FSU in ’89. He and two friends (Jake Underhill and Drew McWeenie)
used to kill time playing a card
game called ‘Pit’. Stock exchange game; the suits were commodities, which
were traded between players until someone had all 7 of a specific suit, at which
point they had a corner on the market and could claim the appropriate amount of
points that commodity was worth. All the suits were crops; Wheat was
worth 100, Barley 80, etc. Flax was the low man on the totem, worth either
20 or 40 points. Not worth collecting, and universally distained by
all players. It became synonymous for ‘worthless,’ and the running joke
became “I’ll give you some flax for it” to show contempt for something.
Thus, it seemed ideal for Branch Floridian currency.
and finally...
The Hedgehog Corner
By Harriet the
Hedgehog (and shade)
Beaver Conspiracy Revisited
As was recently reported
on CNN, 50 years ago an Argentinean firm
attempted to breed some beavers for pelts, but the venture went belly up and the
hapless animals were released into the wilds of Tiera del Fuego, an island at
the tip of South America. There are no natural beaver predators on Tiera
del Fuego, so the industrious rodents have bred unchecked over the past half
century, and estimates now place their population well over several hundred
thousand.
Worse, the beavers have essentially deforested the island between their logging
and resultant flooding from dams. It is an ecological disaster.
Obviously, the beavers are running out of room and resources, so are hatching
plans to expand their territory. Beavers can swim, and are hungrily eyeing
the mainland with invasion in mind.
Harriet, our intrepid hedgehog, has been looking into this with active
interest, and has made some startling discoveries.
First and foremost, the original venture to breed the beavers. 50 years
ago, Argentina was a hotbed of Nazi refugee activity, and the beaver farm was
started as an “above-board” venture to help fund the Odessa escape
route. One reason the venture went under was the high proportion of
beavers that had blonde hair and blue eyes, which was not in fitting with world
furriers’ needs for a dark-skinned matching jackets. However, the Teutonic
overlords also instilled their Aryan hostility into their furry underlings,
which accounts for the amazing blitzkrieg across Argentinean sublets.
During the Falkland Islands conflict, several beavers were captured by British
sailors, who dismissed their cries of “Deutschland, Deutschland Über Biber!” as an Argentinean misinformation campaign. Likewise, Argentinean
military assumed beaver communications of “Today Tiera del Fuego, tomorrow
the World!” to be clever British misinformation designed to divert vital
resources to the southwest, away from the Falklands. If only both sides
had compared notes, the beaver crisis might have been nipped in the bud.
Alas, it was not, and with Tiera del Fuego now firmly under beaver control,
they are making a concerted effort to coordinate a 3-pronged front on the entire
western hemisphere! Beaver populations have been steadily on the rise in
both British Columbia and Washington State/Oregon, but recently beavers were
reintroduced to the Maryland area with disastrous results. Again, with no
natural predators, the Maryland area has been overrun, with massive flooding due
to extensive dam building catching the attention of the Environmental Protective
Agency, enough to declare a state emergency in rural regions 6 months ago!
Obviously, Maryland is next door to Washington D.C. so the beaver’s focus should
be clear.
We are on the verge of a massive beaver invasion, and soon could be up to our
knees in beavers. Some might not thing this is a bad thing, but remember:
the beaver is the 2nd
largest rodent in the world, and the 6th
most intelligent
animal on the planet. This threat needs to be taken seriously!
Fortunately, Branch Floridians are at the fore of addressing the Beaver Blitzkrieg.
Obviously, the orders are coming from their fortress on Tiera del Fuego, so
Mosure (our most recent pledge) has suggested a fact-finding expedition there to
assess their strengths and weaknesses. saint likes this idea, and even
said it would make a good commando raid for training purposes. shade and
Medium Rer are also down for a hunt, and saint vows
to bag an albino beaver and turn it into a hat.
Branch Floridians interested in joining the Great Tiera del Fuego Beaver Hunt
of 2001 should click
.
Anyway, that’s it
for now. Have happy holiday, and I’ll catch up with y’all next year.
So until next time,
Trust no one Deny Everything And
always keep your lighter handy!
