From: gumbystores [mailto:storeorder@gumbyspizza.com]
Sent: Sunday, September 28, 2003 3:09 AM
Subject: Scumby's Pizza

I have read your rants on the web page. I am glad to see that the customers love gumbys as much as the employees. Let me reassure you that your complaints are true. I am one of the employees who has skimpped you on your cheese. You want to know something, I laugh every time I do it and I am fucking laughing at you motherfuckers right now. You get no pity from me. You pay for this shit and you know what the fuck you are going to get . You want a good fucking pizza call Papa Johns. If you call gumbys eat the food and shut the fuck up. You complain about the cheese, you need to say some shit about the fucking sauce and the fucking pokey butter all of you will die of high colesterol in five years guaranteed. Now concerning the complaints about the delivery drivers being nice. Fuck All Of You! We hate our bosses, and we don't get paid shit, but you know, we hate you fucking customers even more. And after you give a pissed off person a bullshit tip after they had to talk to your dumb ass to take your order, deal with these fucking managers and traffic. I would spit in your fucking face and tell you to kiss my ass if you gave me a shitty tip. All of you fucking bastards are lucky we haven't poisoned all of you fucks. Yes I said it and I would say it again that is how we feel about you complaining assholes.  Now put this employee reply on the web page. I will look for your reply and believe me I will respond. 

...and my reply (to which they haven’t replied)...

Gee: another pro-choice poster child wastes my time.  

Yawn.  

You’ve told me nothing I don’t already know: Gumby’s as a company sucks like a starving leach, and its employees are disgruntled, degenerate psychopaths who are nuts enough to work in a post office but obviously lack the literacy prerequisite.  With your letter, though, I find confirmation that Gumby’s has not only hit rock bottom but started to dig.  Forget to take your Ritalin this morning?  Given your e-mail’s hostile tone, wretched spelling, grade school-level grammar, and excessive reliance on the word “fuck,” I’d suggest you take up a career in gangsta rap.  You’d do well.  

Anyway, listen up, home skillet, and I’ll try to lay this on you in a way you can understand.  In other words, I won’t use any big words that would confuse you, such as “asinine,” “troglodyte,” or “philistine.”  

Get a real job!  

You hate your boss, you hate your customers, so quit bitching and go work for Burger King.  Last I knew, their cash registers had pretty pictures of the different food items on it to avoid confusion, which seems to be about your speed — if your letter is any indication, you obviously didn’t make it through high school.  It would probably do you good to get out of Gumby’s, because it sounds like the fumes from the pokey butter are melting away what’s left of your brain.  That, or you’ve been main-veining ranch dressing again when your boss isn’t looking.  Maybe you should even think about enlisting in the military; it’s cheaper than the anger management seminar you so desperately need, and you can even put all that misplaced aggression to more productive use.  Also, one of the purposes of boot camp is to break down a person’s individuality and make them part of an anonymous mass.  You’re already half-way there, being too much of a coward to even sign your own name to your e-mail or send it from a personal address. 

Of course, if Burger King or the Army are too ambitious a career change for you, you could contact Ace Hardware and offer to be their new ad spokesman.  You’re obviously a big enough tool that I’m sure they could build a marketing campaign around you.

I look forward to your reply.  I’m sure it will be easy to spot: it’ll have the grammar of a schizophrenic six year-old, every fifth word will be “fuck,” and it won’t have a name attached.

RSVP (which in your case means ‘Retard Selling Vomit Pizza’)

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