I’m all for foods that use cheese, so you can guess that pizza holds a special place in my heart.

Granted, I lived in Chicago for 7 years, which is world famous for its ’za, so I have the portfolio to be a pizza snob.  Up there they do it deep dish style, and the thing literally is a pie filled with cheese.  That’s how a pizza should be.  So maybe I’m spoiled when it comes to cheese on my pizza, but I am still happy with what I can get outside of the deep dish realm.

Or so I thought.

Near Desert Palm was a Gumby’s Pizza, and we used to order from them all the time.  I quickly noticed a pattern among pizzas they sent over: they were so skimpy on sauce and cheese that you could literally see the dough most of the time.

I thought that was just wrong, but I also wondered if it was just me.  Most of my pizza-eating compatriots weren’t complaining.  Then again, they were usually too busy stuffing their faces to notice.

Still, I had a powerful craving for cheese one night, and decided to perform a test.

Gumby’s had a carry-out special: a large 2 item pie for five bucks.

I called them up and asked for that.  My items: two extra cheeses.

So I get down there to pick up my pie, and open the box right in front of the manager.

As I had feared, the cheese was meager.

“Dude,” I cry, “this is not extra cheese!”

“Sure it is.”

The manager was standing right there, and explained to me “Well, we weigh out how much cheese we put on, and the proper amount is there.”

“Look, I don’t care what thimbles you use to ration out your cheese, this is bullshit.” 

The man reaches over and picks up a small ounce-sized portion cup.  He then points accusingly at one of the parts of the pizza I had not ravaged.  There was a pepperoni-sized clump of melted cheese: you could tell the portion cup had just been upended.

“Look,” I despair, “I paid for two extra cheeses, and I don’t see it.  This may meet your corporate standards, but it does not meet mine as a consumer.  I’ll buy the pie, but I’m taking my business elsewhere.”

The manager just didn’t get it: in his eyes he had done no wrong, so he could not see why I was unhappy.  Obviously, he thought it was my fault, and was an inch short of abusive in expressing this.

Anyway, I am convinced that this is a conspiracy to deprive me of my cheese!  A pox on the Gumbys Dairy Gestapo and their portion cups.  These Cheese Nazis need to be dealt with!

I wrote a letter to Gumby’s Corporate and cc:’d it to gumbys1@aol.com (their e-dress at the time.)  They actually read it; too: I had the mail receipt for it, but lost it when I had to reinstall AOL.   Needless to say, they ignored it.

My cry for extra cheese was taken up by many loyal Branch Floridians.  Their testimonies are below.  The most conclusive proof of the extra cheese conspiracy came from K-Ynot, who got a Gumby’s manager confession that they routinely rip off customers with the cheese.  I fwd:’d her story to gumbys1@aol.com but the trace showed they deleted it without reading.

With a subject line of “Proof Gumby’s is cheating its customers” I don’t wonder why...

The Crusade for Extra Cheese

Obviously, I am not the only one who feels cheated in the cheese department.  Many Branch Floridians and kindred spirits have offered up evidence and testimonials to the wholesale fraud being conspired and committed against us.

offers first hand proof of this.

became the first Branch Floridian martyr from his scary efforts to get some extra cheese.

may have been Oswalded by Gumby’s delivery drivers as a direct retaliation from saint’s complaining about the cheese.

But why take my word for it....

Here is actual testimonial from an apostate Gumby’s manager!