Date: Thu, 06 Sep 2001 01:52:17 -0500
From: krk6d7 <krk6d7@mizzou.edu>
Subject: Scumby's Pizza Sucks Big Greasy Donkey Balls
Organization: UMC
To:
  

yeah, you're pretty much an idiot and Gumby's is obviously the best
pizza in the world.  You dumbasses in florida take it for granted,
because you have a bunch of them down there.  Here in Missouri, there is
ONE.   It's the best pizza in the world and the Ranch is the shit that
makes it all great.  We plan our parties around Gumby's schedule.  Gotta
be home before 3, so you can order the pizza that everyone here loves.
you are insane.  gumby's forever!

kevin

 

and my reply...

 

Kevin,
 
First, let me congradulate you on being able to even use a computer; someone of your obviously limited intellect usually doesn't make it past the "porn-surfing" stage of the Internet to find sites with actual content, such as ours.
 
Now, to business.
 
You are incorrect in believing Missouri has only one Gumby's pizza.  There is only one in Columbia (where I presume you are) per the Scumby policy of one location per campus, but we actually have a Branch Floridian chapter in Jefferson City, headed by a very good friend of mine (who used to do the weather there for t.v. in her spare time.)  She tells me there is a Gumby's there, too, which she scrupulously avoids.  Perhaps when Aunt Betsy's mule is less sick you can make a pilgrimage there to have some.  Or you can hitch a ride with Bubba, Jethro, and cousin Cletus in their rusted old pick-up during their nightly venture to the Stuckey's out on Route 4 to stock up on Skoal and copies of Hustler.  It will do you good to get out.  Per my friend in Jefferson City, "Dachau has more life than this place."  Then again, you live in a state that is a phononym for "misery" so you get what you pay for.
 
Of course, the fact that you have to plan your entertainment around Scumby's speaks for the lack of activities in your locale.  I won't even comment on the need to place an order at 3 o'clock to have it delivered by night. 
 
Saying that "Gumby's is the best pizza in the world" tells me you haven't traveled much.  There are many other pizza chains out there: Dumbino's, Pizza Slut, Pauper John's... they all suck, too, but for different reasons, so it might do you well to try them as a means of comparison.  Then again, you seem to lack taste buds in proportion to brain cells, so perhaps it won't matter.  Your calling "Ranch the shit that makes it all great" clinches the deal on this, though I do agree with your description of "Ranch" as "shit."  It has already been overwhelmingly established that Ranch Dressing is the Anti-Christ of condiments.  You are eating something that looks and tastes like semen.
 
Then again, maybe that's why you like it.
 
I will give you a piece of advice that will probably get you far: "shinola is a shoe polish."  There; now you know.
 
Anyway, I will keep this short, as I realize that your pa requires your presence out back in the toolshed.
 
Grace and peace.
 
-saint
 
ps - in the interest of fair play, I will actually post your silly epistle on our site, as proof that both Gumby's Pizza and Ranch Dressing ROT THE BRAIN.  You have done more to prove how foul they are than I ever could.
 

 

 

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