World Domination Update
“This ain’t the summer of love”
vol III, iss iii
“The voice of one crying in the wilderness”
—Matthew 3:3
Secret word for the day: Spackle
Site of the Week: Gothic Martha Stewart
Cheese of the Week: It would be “Extra Cheese” but Gumby’s Pizza sucks
Now Playing: Blue Öyster Cult, Agents of Fortune
in this issue:
· weird juju on the loose
· numerological proof that Bill Gates is the Beast?!?
· bursting the air bag agenda
· sports scores
· messianic hedgehogs
Hi, kids!
Bet you were all expecting a long rant on Columbine High and a good number of bad Trench-Coat Mafia jabs. Sorry, but I’ve got bigger tuna to toast.
Summer’s just barely started and already there’s bad juju on the loose. Brain Police activity against us is at an all-time high, with our man saint being at the top of the shit list.
Most of you know about the snipe on saint’s car. The “official story” is that he parked in the wrong spot at the wrong time when some drunken sacks of shit, testosterone, and steroids got kicked out of a party a few doors down from The Oasis. Bent on spontaneous, random revenge they smashed two of his windows with rocks and then booked off to parts or parties unknown.
But maybe that’s just what They want Us to think.
Laramie was the first to suggest that the real culprit behind this is Gumby’s Pizza. This certainly makes more sense motive-wise, and could explain how the hit squad got away so fast (ie: unmarked delivery vehicle.)
However, Smoking Gun offers the most plausible explanation: this was Brain Police, pure and simple. The proof is in what they hit: the back and left windows. saint’s car got JFK’d. Also, the locations of the rocks inside the car are inconsistent with the shatter patterns, and it is unclear how many rocks were actually thrown or even how many throwers there were.
Brain Police hostility towards saint has spilled over to include BP monitoring of the neighboring Ranch Peninsular heresy. saint was present when the Blue Light got “shopped” by what could only have been an undercover nark (saint said, “my spidey senses were tingling.”) The RP’s first convert, Pears, has simply vanished, as has potential BF-in-training Medium Rer. Indeed, as of this writing arch-heretic DK himself was back in Detroit; he was (pick one):
a) on the lam from the BP
b) recruiting converts to his cult up on his home turf
c) banished by saint’s exorcism of the Blue Light
The last has some weight behind it, as DK made the mistake of saying when the Ranch Peninsulars took over the world, barbecue sauce would be illegal. Them’s fightin’ words, and I don’t doubt that saint stepped up.
We do have a new schism in out midst, though: Burning Bush, our Man in Maryland (The Land of Mary Splinter, Washing Your Feet Chapter) has confided that he prefers bleu cheese to barbecue. Burning Bush’s a good dude, though, and saint lauded him for his recognition of the importance of cheese. Cheese is our friend, and is important enough to merit a selection of the week in the opening credits. Which brings us to the next point.
A recent run-in with the cheese nazis at Gumby’s Pizza has convinced me that they are a front for the Brain Police. Scumby’s Pizza is a franchise from Gainesville that targets the campus crowd. I believe this is intentional, explicitly to monitor college students. No one questions a car with a pizza delivery dome on top; it’s a great mobile cover. My guess is they’re either hit men, or “special” couriers. Although I have yet to work out the exact connection, I am sure that Scumby’s skimpiness on cheese is part of the plot.
I’m still steamed about that. Honestly: what’s a man gotta do to get some extra cheese?!? A pox on the Gumby’s Dairy Gestapo and their rationing thimbles! I hereby declare Scumby’s Pizza UN-Kosher.
This adds them to the
Shit List, along with
Denny’s and IHOP.
Scumby’s did get me thinking, though.
Most religions try to deliver you from Evil.
The Branch Floridians can deliver Evil to your door, in 30 minutes or it’s free!
shade’s testimonial
For those who are either new or just haven’t been paying attention, our protective mantra is, “Trust no one, deny everything, and always keep your lighter handy.” Many of you scoff or snicker at that, not realizing the wisdom in those words of power.
Last week I was sitting down to watch the X Files when suddenly my power went out. Knowing full well this was a standard assault tactic, I grabbed my .44 and hid behind the sofa, waiting for the dynamic entry of Brain Police with a battering ram and a no-knock warrant.
After a few minutes I eased off the hammer and figured I had blown a fuse. Simple enough matter, except I wasn’t sure where the fuse box was. Worse, it was pitch black and I couldn’t see anything.
But fortunately, I always have my lighter handy. (ta-daaahh!) Instant torch. Never did find a flashlight, but thanks to my Zippo I had a continuous light source that really helped me out.
Oddly enough, it wasn’t a fuse. By law the main circuit breakers to our houses are on the outside (I guess to make it easier for the police to raid crack houses.) On my building, all of them were locked but mine.
Hmmm... maybe my having my lighter handy (not to mention my Dirty Harry) put The Fear in Them and they backed off.
See?!? Always keep your lighter handy.
Disclaimer:
The following is a BCC e-mail forwarded from a friend of mine. I have been unable to discover who originally wrote it, so I print it here anonymously with the suspicion that the author is a Branch Floridian in spirit if not actual membership. The part about the ‘hall of tortured souls’ is especially interesting, and if you like that sort of thing (or want to learn more) check this out: The Easter Egg Archive.
> Did you know that Bill Gates' real name is William Henry Gates
> III?
> Nowadays, he is known as Bill Gates (III) where III means the
> order of
> third.
>
> So what's so eerie about this name?
> Well, if you take all the letters in Bill Gates III and then
> convert it
> into
> ASCII code (American Standard Code for Information Interchange)
> and then
> add
> up all the numbers.... you will get 666, which is the number of
> the beast.
>
> B = 66
> I = 73
> L = 76
> L = 76
> G = 71
> A = 65
> T = 84
> E = 69
> S = 83
> I = 1
> I = 1
> I = 1
>
> Add these numbers and they equal 666. Coincidence? Perhaps....
> Maybe, but take Windows 95 and do the same procedure and you
> will get 666
> also.
>
> And even MS-DOS 6.31 adds up to 666. Still think it is
> coincidence?
> Stay with me.... It gets better. For those of you who still
> have the old
> excel 95 (not office 97) try this out: (this really works)
>
> 1 - Open a new file
> 2 - Scroll down to row 95
> 3 - Click on the row 95 button to highlight the entire row
> 4 - Press tab to move to the second column
> 5 - Now, move your mouse and click on help at the top
> 6 - Then click on ”about Microsoft excel”
> 7 - Press ctrl-alt-shift and click on the tech support button
> at the same
> time.
> A window will appear with the title: THE HALL OF TORTURED
> SOULS. This is
> really eerie, okay! It has a doom style format and you can
> walk all around
> the hall using the arrow keys. On the sides of the walls are
> the names of
> the tortured souls.... Now walk up the stairs and then come
> back down,
> facing
> the blank wall. Now type in EXCELKFA; this will open the blank
> wall to
> reveal
> another secret passage, walk through the passage and do not
> fall off. This
> is difficult to do. When you get to the end you will see
> something really,
> really eerie. As of this point in time, countless witnesses
> all over the
> world have verified that it is a real eye opener. It could be
> a joke by MS
> programmers. Or is it?
>
> Would it be too surprising if Bill Gates was the Antichrist?
> After all,
> the
> Bible foretold that someone powerful would rise up and lead the
> world to
> destruction. And Bill Gates definitely has this kind of power
> in his
> hands.
>
> More than 80% of computers in the world today run on windows
> and DOS
> (including those at the Pentagon). If all of his products have
> some kind
> of
> small program embedded, like this “hall of tortured souls,”
> that can give
> him
> control to set off nuclear arsenals, create havoc in security
> systems and
> financial systems all over the world, etc. All from his
> headquarters.
>
> This isn’t too far from reality. Just by using the Internet
> Explorer may
> just allow him to map out what you have on your computer bit by
> bit each
> time
> you log on. Perhaps the end of time is near and this is just
> the tip of
> the
> iceberg?
>
> Quote from the Bible:
> ”He also forced everyone, small and great, rich and poor, free
> and slave,
> to
> receive a mark on his right hand or on his forehead, so that no
> one could
> buy
> or sell unless he had the mark, which is the name of the beast
> or the
> number
> of his name. This calls for wisdom. If anyone has insight,
> let him
> calculate the number of the beast, for it is man‘s number. His
> number is
> 666.” Revelation 13:16-18
>
> This is something you should think about. If the Bible, in the
> book of
> Revelations, says that without the sign of the beast, one would
> not be able
> to buy, sell, do business transactions, etc., then my question
> to you now
> is
> this....
>
> Is the Internet a necessity today for doing business? The
> Internet also
> bears the sign. Note that the Internet is often referred to as
> the World
> Wide Web, or www. Another way to write W is V/ or VI.
>
> W W W
>
> VI VI VI
>
> 6 6 6
>
> Here is something to ponder. Isn‘t everything going towards
> the Internet?
> (i.e., buying, selling business transactions.) Isn‘t Microsoft
> always on
> the
> move to have a monopoly when it comes to software technology?
> And now the
> Internet?
>
> Revelations also says that the mark of the beast will be carved
> on one‘s
> hand and on one‘s forehead. If the Internet would indeed be
> the beast,
> aren‘t we all starting to carry it on our hands and foreheads?
>
> The screen is the forehead and the hand uses the mouse. Are
> things finally
> starting to fall into place or are we just letting our
> imagination run
> wild?
> Remember, the devil came to cheat, steal and to destroy. So,
> be vigilant
> about Bill Gates and Microsoft! Coincidence?
>
> Perhaps....Then again, perhaps NOT!
> See you all later hope it was good for a laugh!
>
shade’s peshar
Although the above anonymous author makes some valid observations and commentary about the Computer Cookie Conundrum, I reject his conclusions that various factors actually add up to 666 the way he claims. I realize that s/he was attempting to make a sarcastic pun with it, but there actually are groups out there who see 666 in everything and do similar logic loops to find it in what they want.
The problem with such thought, though, is that the number referred to in Revelation 13:18 is “six hundred sixty-six” and not “six six six”. Click here for an extensive commentary explaining the semantical nuances of this.
Sorry, but its a
big pet peeve of mine...
and now,
further proof that Brain Police rhetoric is all hot air:
Most new cars have air bags. Hopefully you have never been unfortunate enough to go face-first into one, but if you have, then you know from the smell that it sure ain’t air that’s in there.
What is that shit?
Oversimplified, here’s how an air bag works. If your car hits something hard enough, shock of the impact triggers a sensor in the air bag housing. This causes a controlled explosion in the device. An explosion, by definition, is the conversion of solid to gas with an outwardly expanding velocity. In this case, the expanding gas is channeled into the air bag itself, causing it to rapidly inflate. This gas is not “air” (the nitrogen and oxygen we know and love) but the byproduct of whatever material was used for the explosion.
Again I ask, just what is that shit?
I have proof that in certain car models (manufactured by Brain Police lackeys) the inflation agent in the “air” bag is a narcotic gas. Exactly what that gas is varies from model to model, but in general they are variations of drugs that make the breather extremely open to suggestion.
Many cars also have voice features that tell you things like when you left your lights on. Not surprisingly, these same cars with the narcotic air bag gasses also have this verbal feature. And not surprisingly, there are some specific messages that play only during an impact. These messages are essentially Brain Police propaganda.
Near as I can figure, here’s the deal: if you’re dumb enough to crash your car, then you’re dumb enough to fall victim to this evil scheme. In the ideal scenario, you crash your car and go face first into an airbag full of mind control gas. Already disoriented from the collision, you begin breathing whiffs of gas and become totally open to suggestion. If the crash hasn’t disabled power and sound, your Snoop Dog cd cuts out and a voice cuts in telling you whatever bullshit the Brain Police want to feed you. If you survive the crash, you’re further under their yoke.
To prove this, I went out and performed a test. I bought brand new cars from various dealers around town and rigged them to go remote control into a concrete wall. Gotta admit there’s something primally satisfying about driving a Lamborghini into a wall at 100 mph (I understand that Tommy Lee has a similar fixation.) After they hit, I grabbed my gas mask and ran over to retrieve a tape recorder I had strapped to the seat. I also popped the air bag and gathered a gas sample. The tape recording analysis is often hampered by damage to the speakers during the crash, which gives some leeway in my interpretation.
Here are the results:
| car | air bag gas | secret recorded message |
| Trans Am | sodium pentathol | Adam Sandler is funny |
| Camaro | sodium pentathol | go to a barber and get a mullet |
| Lamborghini | sodium pentathol |
be a sheep, follow the flock, baa! baa! baa! |
| Ferrari | sodium pentathol |
(in Latin!) anything done for the first time unleashes a demon |
| Delorian | ether | keep Ireland disunited |
| Rolls Royce | nitrous oxide | cricket is a fun game |
| Lexus | nitrous oxide | register to vote, then don’t |
| Volkswagen | zyklon b | Seig Heil! |
| BMW | zyklon b | Eweige Blumenkraft! |
| Hyundai | serin | Reverend Sun Yung Moon is (?the/your?) Father |
Sports Scores:
The spring season of flicking filters at the bucket under saint’s window officially ended, with these results:
DK: 16
Pears: 13
Mike: 11
saint: 7
shade: 7
Medium Rer: 6
Elrin: 6
Shaggy: 2
Houle: 2
Jeff: 2
Corey: 2
Bjorngaard: 2
Ken: 1
Bill: 1
G-Off 1 (actual), 1 (style)
in other sports news,
Topeka Sheep 6, Portland Porpoises 0
Edgewater Mudsharks 8, Boston Bovines 0
Catalina Peccaries 2, Wichita Wildebeests 1
Toronto Turtles 16, Las Vegas Lounge Lizards 13
Hartford Hamsters 3, Lubbock Lemmings 2 (in OT)
St. Paul Girls vs. Minneapolis Woolly Mammoths: canceled due to snow
St. Louis Squirrels 10,876, Des Moines Octopuses -8
player of the week: Kobiashi
and on that note we end this issue with...
The Hedgehog Corner
By Harriet the Hedgehog
Although we hedgehogs are big believers in passive resistance, our natural defenses branch from the evolutionary theory of “peace through superior weaponry.” We have many means of protecting ourselves, all designed to make tangling with us more trouble than its worth. While our dreaded “chuff” can put fear in both predator and pray at ten cubits, and we have the most teeth of any placental mammal (44), our main line of defense is our quills.
Getting through that ball of spikes is bad enough, but we ’hogs play dirty by licking a special secretion onto them. To humans it is a mild irritant, but the smaller you are the worse the burn. Just added incentive to leave us alone. We make this secretion ourselves, using as a base whatever material happens to be available to chew on. Leaves, carpet strands, shoelaces, magazines; many uncouth ’hogs in the wild use their own feces. Chew it up, add our gummy saliva, and spit it onto ourselves. Lick of the quills and they’re coated with the crud.
Human zoologists familiar with the Family Erinaceidae call this process “self-anointing.”
Messiah is Hebrew for “anointed” (‘Christ’ is the Greek) so be definition, Hedgehogs are the Messiahs.
This is even hinted at in the Dead Sea Scrolls’ Insectivores 5:23 “...and buy his Chuff ye shall know him.”
that’s all for now; so you know the drill:
trust no one
deny everything
and always keep your lighter handy
“This ain’t the Garden of Eden,
There ain’t no angels above.
And things ain’t what they’re supposed to be,
And this ain’t the summer of love.”
—Blue Öyster Cult