The Return of “Pop Quiz”

If you would like to take the quiz, click HERE  (this works on the honor system, so no peeking at the answers first!  Submissions will be posted but not scored.)

To see current answers (“correct” and reader-submitted) click HERE

The Return of “Pop Quiz”...

Answered?!?!?

FireSkunk  —  1,000,000  (mostly cuz she’s snuggling with the judge...)
Bruddah Max  —  66
SpamBoy  —  63
Smoking Gun  —  55
LowIs  —  50
WitKnee  —  48
Senzai Noryoku —  46  
Wolfire  —  44
Freezer Burn  —  43
Marilewanna  —  29

History     

1)  Who was the only man in history to have actively served as a general on BOTH sides of the SAME war?   

ANSWER:  Looks like I might have to toss this question out, or at least give dual credit.  The answer I was looking for was Benedict Arnold.  The most common answer give, Robert E. Lee, would appear to be true as well, as Lee remained in what was effectively the Union army for several weeks after the succession but before the first actual battle of the war (Bull Run.)

BEST ANSWERS:

Benedict Arnold who had green hair to match his evil envious teeth.  He left because the south had tighter ass goats?  —  SpamBoy

I'm guessing General Robert E. Lee in the War Between the States, as he was actively serving in the US Army when the war broke out. I think Longstreet served on both sides as well, although I don't know if he was a Union general. I'm probably way off. Then again, I never was very good at General knowledge questions.  —  Bruddah Max

Hess.  It was never announced, but the reason he "defected" was so he could do astrology for Queen Elizabeth.  They later channeled his spirit & he "advised" Nancy Reagan, too.  —  Smoking Gun

Zappa, no, um..... Well, since I know that Alexander Hamilton was a coniving little freak with the ethics of a used car salesman, I would say him. However, I know that he wouldn't have the balls to actually take part in a war, he would simply hide under his bed crying for his mommy until all the "big boom-booms" stopped and then pronounce himself the hero, of course, and due to the fact that I have spent 95% of my history classe, doodle-ing, thinking about Richard O'Brien and/or the RHPS, or asleep, the only other name that really comes to mind is that big civil war dude, dammit, I can't think of his name... oh well, you know who I'm talking about, right?  —  WitKnee

GENERAL LEE  —  LowIs

William Bennett.  Not a "general" per se, but Reagan's "drug czar" in the war against drugs was a crack addict, which is obvious if you read any of his writing.  —  Freezer Burn

Lee  —  Senzai Noryoku

Frank Zappa —  Marilewanna

...alright I will be completely honest..ahem...I have no Idea.   —   Wolfire

I was...no, I was!  —  Dyna Charcoal

Benedict Arnoldo. But that was only after they sliced him up, put him on english muffins, covered him in hollandaise sauce and a slice of him, covered him up, and served him, poached to the english. (This IS the recipe for Eggs benedict, So Nyah) I did research.  —  Zaphod Beeblebrox

only smarties have the answer  —  you must die!i alone am best!

Benedict Arnold —  taotejay

2)  What was the Celestine Prophecy?  (note and hint: this is a HISTORY question, not an ENGLISH question, so any mention of the unrelated and wretchedly heinous James Redfield book of the same name automatically loses 666 points.  You have been warned.)   

ANSWER:  “You have entered like a fox, you will reign like a lion, and will die like a dog.”   These were Pope Celestine V's last words to his murderer and successor, Cardinal Benedetto Gaetani (aka Pope Bonafice VIII) before being smothered with a pillow.  True to form, Bonafice was butchered shortly thereafter, fulfilling the prophecy.  

BEST ANSWERS:

I defy your taunt!  REDFIELD REDFIELD REDFIELD!  Hah!  Historically, the Celestine Prophecy was a Swiss gnome in Zurich who prophecized that a lot of innocent trees would be slaughtered to print a bad new age "i'm secure" manifesto/novel for nitwits.  —  Smoking Gun

The prophecy of the return of goats rein over humans and processing them as spam.  —  SpamBoy

Unsure about the exact wording but something about the branch floridians being the rulers of the world and their leader being the one true criste majestico... then I believe it goes on to mention how celest would prophesize and a whole bunch of other philowafesical bull shit.  —  WitKnee

This is the prediction of the coming of Zappa  —  Marilewanna

GOD IS LOVE  —  LowIs

That my friend Tony's daughter Celeste would be born on Christmas Day (the doctor actually predicted this!)  —  Freezer Burn

The prophecy that Mary would bear Jesus, yada, yada, yada.  —  Senzai Noryoku

This would be the prophesy by little Pietro del Morrone to his mother that he would indeed become a saint someday. Peter, a hermit in life, became Pope Celestine V in 1294 AD and served as Pontiff for a mere 5 months. His prophesy was realized in 1313 when he was canonized as St. Celestine.  —  Bruddah Max

[saint’s peshar  —  this is technically true, though it wasn’t the one I was referring to.]

He was a Roman deacon when elected on Sept. 10, 422, to succeed Boniface I.  His pontificate is noted for its vigorous attack on Nestorianism, the unorthodox teaching of Patriarch Nestorius of Constantinople, which stressed that Christ's human and divine natures were independent and which denounced the Virgin's title Theotokos (God-bearer). Celestine also refuted the doctrine of Pelagius (fl. 405-418), which minimized the role of divine grace in man's salvation. In 429 Celestine dispatched the French bishops SS. Germanus of Auxerre and Lupus of Troyes to combat Pelagianism in England. pope from 422 to 432.  —  Wolfire

[saint’s peshar  —  ibid.]

Well, you see, there was this prophecy, see, and it had something to do with celestial matters.  —  Dyna Charcoal

This was a document that prophesized The coming of celeste, the god of preppy's. Unfortunatly the greeks died out before celeste came, making celeste a very unhappy lady.  —  Zaphod Beeblebrox

i dont know.i'm not very good at english  —  you must die!i alone am best!

I speaks of the coming of a man from the "Germanic Tribe" rising to power in the west of the new world. —  taotejay

3)  What was the first telegraph message?    

ANSWER:  “What hath God wrought!”  (A quote from the last oracle of the non-Israelite prophet Balaam — Numbers 23:23)

BEST ANSWERS:

what have goat wrot with this spam cover chocolate filled with other stuff of goat cheeze.?  —  SpamBoy

An Automated Message from those damn psychic hotline people.  —  WitKnee

So, what are you wearing?  (telegraph sex... must take forever.)  —  Smoking Gun

"What hath God wrought", sent from the Capitol, at Washington, to Mount Clare Depot, in Baltimore on May 24, 1844, in Morse code of course. The answer, causing an equal stir around the world, was "whasssaaaaaaappppp!"  —  Bruddah Max

This sentance was written.  —  Wolfire

A bunch of dots and dashes  — Freezer Burn
 
What the fuck was Zappa thinking!?  —  MariLewanna

WM. MARCONI SENT IT, "HELLO"  —  LowIs

What hath God Wrought?  —  Dyna Charcoal

Mary Had a little ham, little ham, little ham, mary had a little ham, who's niece it did not know.  —  Zaphod Beeblebrox

how much beef could a beef chief chief if a beef chief could chief beef?  —  you must die!i alone am best!

Holy Shit! It Works! —  taotejay

 Math     

1)  prove “zero” exists.  (50 words max)   

ANSWER:  Trick question!  Zero does not exist.  Show me zero of anything.  You're just showing me absence; not good enough, because you are not demonstrating the quantity.  Zero has special rules—you can't divide by it—and is clearly a mathematical afterthought.

BEST ANSWERS:  

"0"..... Just kidding.  Actually this brings about a great point,  zero only exists as an idea in our heads.  What it represents is "nothing", which can't be something and therefore is non-existent.  —  Senzai Noryoku

Actualy, "zero" was introduced by Leonardo Fibonacci in the Middle Ages as a symbol to represent the Arabic mathematical concept of "empty". The "0" symbol represents an empty hole. The "zero" is really just the symbol used to describe the mathematical concept, not the mathematical concept itself, and thusly exists.  —  Bruddah Max

I can prove that zero exists because if you count the number of good n'sync, backstreet boys, zappa, and britney spears songs..you have none...which proves the existance of zero.  —  Marilewanna

Look ata Gumby's Pizza and count the cheese.  —  Freezer Burn

It was mentioned on TV.  Everthing on TV's real, isn't it?  —  Smoking Gun

Um.... well... You see... In the begining there was nothing much, and people all kinda just stumbled around and picked their noses alot. Then, Socrates and Pathagorean got together and decided to invent "MATH". To start they created zero which is latvian for nothing. And there you have it. Yay.  —  WitKnee

It just does...Or does it..Its A conspiricy. (just like at&t)  —  Wolfire

WHY BOTHER?  —  LowIs

watch the TV show Zero.  he is the black mask dude with his trusty goat. also his cow to give him goat cheese.  —  SpamBoy

Through the law of opposites, because something exists, it automatically also doesn't exist. The opposite of 'something' is 'nothing,' numerically speaking, zero.  —  Dyna Charcoal

no  —  you must die!i alone am best!

(This page intentionally left blank) —  taotejay

2)  what is the first “perfect number”?   

ANSWER:  6.  A “perfect number” is one whose divisible integers (not counting itself) add up to the sum.  1x6=6, 2x3=6,  & 1+2+3=6.  The next number this works for is 28 (1x28, 2x14, 4x7 &  1+2+4+7+14=28)  At FSU, Evil Matt once met a math nerd who had a huge poster of tiny-print numbers covering it.  “Pi” he asked.  No, it was the longest known “perfect number” found by a computer recently.  Evil Matt made sure to leave the room shortly thereafter... 

BEST ANSWERS:

Perfection is a state of mind, a nirvana, so to speak... to acheive this state of mind, one probably should have a mind, and as we all know, "numbers" are mindless zombies out to suck your brains...  —  WitKnee

36  as in 36-24-36 are the perfect measurements, right?  If you want a serious answer, i think it's 2.  Add, multiply, & square, all get the same result: 4. Actually, nothing else does that, soes it... you say "first."  I'm confused.  I'm taking my 36-24-36 bitch & going home.  —  Smoking Gun

0  IT'S PERFECTLY "OUT OF SIGHT"  —  LowIs

6 goats, 5 rocking crack rock, 4 little jew, 3 big toes, 2 cheeks of a goats ass, and a very gifted ratboy.  —  SpamBoy

thats easy...the same number of zappa albums i own...zero  —  Marilewanna

By "perfect number" I'm assuming you mean "prime number", the first of which is one (1).  —  Bruddah Max

Not sure if you'd count 1; otherwise 6  —  Freezer Burn

4  —  Dyna Charcoal

6. Cool huh?  —  Zaphod Beeblebrox

here ye! here ye! the first perfect number be six!  —  you must die!i alone am best!

6 —  taotejay

3)  I have a missile in BadAss, Arizona and I shoot it at Miskatonic University on the East coast.  What conic shape does the flight path assume?     

ANSWER:  The lower half of a Hyperbola.  The arc known as a ‘parabola’ would seem the most common guess, but is incorrect.  Nazi scientists working on V2s thought the flight path would be a parabola, and couldn’t understand why they never hit their targets in testing.  Von Braun finally figured out it was the half-hyperbola, and after adjusting his figures accordingly, began to hit bulls-eyes.  [kudos to LowIs, the only one who got this.]

hyperbola (left) vs parabola (right)

BEST ANSWERS:

Half a parabola - enterprising Miskatonic alumnus shoot down the missile over the Mississippi.  Go Cephalopods!  —  Smoking Gun

An ellipses. However, this would assume an unguided missile, which would make accurate striking of an East Coast target very difficult without adjusting for Coreolis Effect and atmospheric conditions.  —  Bruddah Max

Phallic!  —  Marilewanna

Make love, not war.  —  WitKnee

A parabola, unless Cthulhu interferes  —  Freezer Burn

parabolic like shooting a ICBM out of a goats ass at mach 6 times the power of goat to the testicle of 4.  —  SpamBoy

Please, next time ask me in english.  —  Wolfire

A parabola. What the hell do I know?  —  Dyna Charcoal

A phallic one. It would star kinda like that cross section of a cone. But then the pentagon would shoot george bush at it, and it would laugh itself to georgia.  —  Zaphod Beeblebrox

where did you get the missile from,i want one for christmas  —  you must die!i alone am best!

I somewhat resembles an extended middle finger —  taotejay

Science     

1)  How can the addictive substance Dihydrogen Monoxide kill you?  (3 answers max.)   

ANSWER:  Dihydrogen Monoxide =  H₂O  =  water.  Take it from there... [or check out this site]

BEST ANSWERS:

nice one; had to think a second.  Whole point, right?  1. suffocate (aka drown) while having visions of Peter Benchley novels flash by.  2.  od (drink enough your stomach would burst.)  3. get crushed by the weight of 20,000 leagues on top of you and captain Nemo beneath.  That's how I wanna go...  —  Smoking Gun

: DROWNING; A LACK OF IT FOR 7 OR MORE DAYS WILL KILL YOU; AVALANCHE, FLOOD, AND STEAM (TOO MUCH OF IT HEATED UP WILL BURN YOU TO DEATH)  —  LowIs

1.  You can drown in it.
2.  As a conductor for electricity, it can electrocute you.
3.  If falling from a great height, the tensile strength of DHMO becomes almost the same as concrete. Upon impact the DHMO would likely shatter one's skeletal framework into semi-viscous putty - this curious sensation is usually accompanied by swift death.  —  Bruddah Max

It makes you listen to Zappa albums repeatedly.  —  Marilewanna

drown, lack off, and seared.  sorry i dont care about maxi pad.  swimming in it when some kid just pissed in it.  going to a bar and ordering it instead of beer.  BEER GOOD FIRE BAD....  —  SpamBoy

- you hallucinate that a 10 foot hot dog is coming to get you and fall out a window backwards
- your brain combustes due to and overload of sensual stimulators
- a large inmate named Bubba jumps out and scares you really really  —  WitKnee

 -Lack there of
 -Drowning
 -A hurricane?  —  Senzai Noryoku

Inhaling it can kill you, has been found in excised tumors of terminal cancer patients, is the major component of acid rain.  —  Wolfire

You can drown in it.  —  Dyna Charcoal

1- You Die
2- It kills you
3- A large missile coming from Badass, Arizona, that has just crossbreeded with George bush, Farmstyle, and it feeds off Dihydrogen Monoxide. It hits you, Tri-Cross-Breeds, and their ya go.  —  Zaphod Beeblebrox

you try to spell it while wasted and due to the collossal frustration you face at your lack of spelling agility proceed to remove all your internal organs using a 17" gangster apendidge.  —  you must die!i alone am best!

If you own a trailer in the midwest (say Kansas), hope you've got a good shelter. —  taotejay

2)  What’s the largest rodent in the world?   

ANSWER:  The capybara.  They're actually kind of cute:  www.capybara.com

BEST ANSWERS:

A LARGE SOUTH AMERICAN WATERHOG, KNOWN OFFICIALLY AS "CAPYBARA" (KNOWN TO BE A VERY TASTY DELICACY AMONGST THE NATIVES).  —  LowIs

Beaver!  those pesky fuckers are just rats with paddle tails.  —  Smoking Gun

I'm going with the capybara. I was going to go with "Hollywood lawyers" but I'm not sure scum-sucking weasels count as "rodents" per se.  —  Bruddah Max

- The R.O.A.s from "the Princess Bride" of course... (although some say they don't really exsist, go to the fire swamp and you'll sure see)  —  WitKnee

Tempe PD  —  Marilewanna

Souly AKA Ratboy AKA capybara.  —  SpamBoy

The Capybarra (which is really tasty with barbecue sauce)  —  Freezer Burn

http://www.rebsig.com/capybara/capy1.jpg The Capybara!!  —  Wolfire

My ex-fiance, Satan, er, Jeff Bassinson.  —  Dyna Charcoal

Capybarra, strangely, also the tenderest meat.  —  Zaphod Beeblebrox

that really big thing that they kill and put on pizza instead of cheese  —  you must die!i alone am best!

The extinct rodent Phoberomys!

Check it out:

  —  taotejay

3)  Einstein vs. Newton in a battle to the death: who’d win?     

ANSWER:  They’re both dead; it doesn’t matter.

BEST ANSWERS:

NEWTON DIED FIRST SO EINSTEIN WON.  —  LowIs

Newton.  The dude died first.  —  SpamBoy

Newton; he died first, but he did have a head start.  —  Freezer Burn

Einstein!!..He created a lot more dangerous inventions. He was way smarter.He also renounced his Germany citizenship, which freed him from MILITARY service.  —  Wolfire

Given the head trauma already sustained by Newton due to falling tree-bourne fruit, I'd give the early edge to Einstein. However, Newton is force and gravity whereas Al's just light and energy atomic theory. You just know Newton would lay the smacketh down on Einstein's candy ass. Newton takes it in three.  —  Bruddah Max

Neither they both died due to torture from listening to Zappa albums.  —  Marilewanna

Well, although Einstein was seemingly a harmless, absent minded, old man, he was said to have had a ferocious temper and would occasionally lash out at people, with his shifty eyes and sharp teeth...  —  WitKnee

Albert hands down.  He's modern & Manhattin project; he'd just nuke Newton's archaic ass.  —  Smoking Gun

Einstein, because relatively, you don't die, you just change form.  —  Senzai Noryoku

They're both dead.  —  Dyna Charcoal

It would be a tie. Their both dead already.  —  Zaphod Beeblebrox

is the winner the one who dies first?if it is then its gotta be newtocos according to einstein matter can neither be created nor destroyed.so there!  —  you must die!i alone am best!

I think Relativity theory would fry Newton's brain since Newton is well documented as not being able to take criticism of his ideas well. I say Einstein body slams his ass! —  taotejay

English     

1)  What was the first book empirically known to be written?    

ANSWER:  The I Ching, which translated from Chinese means “Book of Changes”  The I Ching itself is a system of fortune telling.  Yarrow sticks or coins were used to generate six binary patterns.  In oversimplified terms, head-head-tails-tails-head-head means one thing, tails-tails-tails-tails-tails-heads means another, etc.  There are 64 possible permutations.  Memorizing them is pretty hard, so they were written down.  Copies from 7500 BCE have been found.  Not a book or a codex per sι, but long enough to count.  Curiously, those ancient copies are virtually identical to the modern, showing how little this ancient system has drifted in almost 10,000 years.

BEST ANSWERS:

Since this is the English section, so you mean written in ENGLISH?  that would probably be Beowulf.  If you mean ever, it would be "Idiot's Guide to Creating the Universe" (1st edition, only 6 pages)  —  Smoking Gun

THE TEN COMMANDMENTS  —  LowIs

The Bible. Also, all of William Shakespeare's plays were empirically written - there are no original manuscripts actually written by the bard himself.  —  Bruddah Max

The original version of the Kama Sutra.  I believe the title was changed in the early 17th century when they edited the book to include "doggy-style".  —  Senzai Noryoku

The Bible (dun dun dun)  —  Wolfire

I love eggs... from my head down to my leeeeeeegggggsssss, the incredible edible EGG.  —  WitKnee

A Chinese comic book writing on toilet paper preaching about the theories of Goataism and the Hero Goat that will return to fulfill the Goat Ass Prophecy.  He will have the shape Ass of a Goat.  —  SpamBoy

First hit's free  —  Marilewanna

Adam & Eve's last will and testament  —  Freezer Burn

How I Did It, by Jehovah.  —  Dyna Charcoal

Book of jokes, source of the "oldest joke in the book"  —  Zaphod Beeblebrox

hush your beak!  —  you must die!i alone am best!

See Grog Hunt —  taotejay

2)  What is unusual about this paragraph?  It’s not all that obvious, but you’ll probably catch on.  Actually, I’m totally improvising what I say in it, so pardon my random ranting and narration.  Anyway, a quick plug to fill and fluff this thing out.  Folks, this quiz is just for fun, flax, and bravado bragging rights, but Branch Floridiansm isn’t joking around!  No sir!  Branch Floridians want you to think on your own!  I’m not blowing hot air on this conspiracy schtick; truly, groups in our world want to control your brain!  Don’t fall for that mind-numbing old scam, or Brain Bandits will own you and pull your strings from now until Doomsday.  But I’m babbling, so I’ll stop for now.  I should probably put a “schwa”; in this but don’t know any html symbols for it.  Anyway, did you spot what was odd about this paragraph?   

ANSWER:  The letter “e” is not used.  This is unusual in that it is our most commonly used letter.  Otherwise, the paragraph contains a pangram of English with the “Folks” sentence.  I felt bad for screwing the pooch on the last one, so I made this one easy.

BEST ANSWERS:

Had to wait until I was in a  non-intoxication mind-jack to try this.  Your paragraph contains all symbols within our alpha-linguistic system but omits the non-consonant (vowal) glyph which appears most commonly .  This is basically a variant off your last quiz. Not much for originality, Matt, but if I complain about it, you'll dock my point or flax total, won't you...  —  Smoking Gun

yawn.... you didn't use the most common letter of the alphabet... the "e"....  —  WitKnee

There are 165 words in it, an odd number of words. Also, there are 737 characters in those words, another odd number. A very odd paragraph, if you ask me.  —  Bruddah Max

It's written by Saint and doesn't mention Zappa once.  —  Marilewanna

I WOULDN'T TOUCH THIS ONE WITH A TEN FOOT POLE.  —  LowIs

...No but I am with ya!!..Go Branch Floridians. Trust no one..Deny Everything..And KEEP YOUR LIGHTER Handy!!!  —  Wolfire

-It's Branch Davidians  —  Senzai Noryoku

I'm not touching this one with a 17" flaccid gangster penis.  —  Freezer Burn

Dude besides some miss spelled word, sentence fragments, and totally rocking out on your babbling.  I liked it.  I never look for the wrong. Only the slacking in things.  Because when it comes to slack I love to slack.  I am one of the ultimate slackers.  If you don't slack then they will think you are doing a good job and give you more responsibilities at work.  But do we want that?  Hell no!  Can I get a Slack?  *A SLACK*  What is this world coming to?  Being a slacker is one thing.  But working hard? What the hell is that?  Come on people wake up.  Trust no one.  Don't work hard at work.  Be a lazy as you can.  Eat spam.  For the love of Bob, why don't you people listen to me.  Oh yes, you are becoming slackers.  I am getting lazy myself in taking this horse ass, kewl, jiggy, wiggy, funky, funk ta fied, way kewl, far out, yo yo yo, chicky boom, chicky boom, chicky boom, bodacious, radical, pesticidal, suicidal, mydol, no doze, anti freeze,
bazooka Jim, slime Joe, Mary Jane, goat ass, pink saliva, gewy cheese, froze burrito, monkey jizz, ass of goat, way beyond, up up and away, look its a bird, its a plane, no it is a goat with big testicles wearing tight spandex, I vanna hump stiner, kewl kewl kewl, you take the point, hostage down, anti terriosm, rock out, smoke out, drink on, piss on, piss off, clap in a hore house, clap off with a goat in a barn yard, (hmm when am I going to stop? never because I rock goats with my anti goat x ray vision.  with them they contain a brain police.  that's right they are a prison for the brain police.  when the all mighty lord of branch Floridians finds one. he cast them away to the goat prison.), there is goat in everyone of us, my fingers are getting tired of typing, I am lonely, chicken butt, breast, gay goat, my friends hate me, we will we will goat you, spammed outage, suckage, wheatus, megadeath, herbicide, fermeldihide, goat a hide, and Ratboy kewl quiz.  —  SpamBoy

What was odd was that I actually read all of it.  —  Dyna Charcoal

It's a run-on paragraph. Not really. Me suck at english.  —  Zaphod Beeblebrox

apart from the fact it lacks the most common letter of the alphabet (e) it also provides an incite into evil matt's strange mind  —  you must die!i alone am best!

You can't here the Rs if you say it with a South Boston accent —  taotejay

3)  Write a limerick (warning: mentioning “Nantucket” caries a 69 point penalty)     

ANSWER:  There once was a man from Nantucket...

BEST ANSWERS:

There once was a lady named Alice
Who used dynamite as a phallus
They found her vagina
in North Carolina
and found her asshole in Dallas

or, if you want a more insidious one...

There once was a guy named Syd
who had two nieces, he did
while tucking the bed
he asked what should be read
"Uncle Remus!" they cried, so he did.  —  Bruddah Max

 -There once was a chic from New York
Who collected many a fork
Then she played with her runes
By the light of the moon
And pickled eggs and some pork.

-I once knew this boy from penn state
Who was always a little too late
He never got far
On foot or in car
And pissed of ever one of his dates

Then one day the chics were all pissed
At all the good times they had missed.
So they chased down the boy
And cut off his toy
And never again were they dissed.

It's late and I'm out of creativity... deal with it. — WitKnee

Here is a dirty one for ya.

In convertibles she was quite brash,
When she put her feet up on the dash.
            As a trucker drove by,
            Her bare crotch caught his eye,
And four people were killed in the crash.  —  Wolfire

THERE ONCE WAS A BOY CALLED MATT
WHO WROTE LOTS OF THIS AND THAT
WHEN ASKED WHY HE DID IT
HE STOOD UP AND SPITTED
INSPIRED BY "CAT IN THE HAT"

NOW FIGURE OUT THAT.....  —  LowIs

I worship a cute shinny blue goat
a hung large testicle is a float
struck by a mower
kill a small blower
stuck in a muddy pile of fresh moat.  —  SpamBoy

Lady apes ran from King Kong
'Cause his dick was so thick and so long
But a horny giraffe
Took the yard-and-a-half
Then ecstatically burst into song.

or

I met a little girlie
her hair was lots of curly,
went to her house
to bust her out
and had to leave there early.

("It's Tricky", RUN DMC)  —  Smoking Gun

Oh how I loathe the help desk,
With all of its phones a ringing,
I'd rather be listening to Zappa,
Hell, I'd settle for Jagger singing.  —  Senzai Noryoku

All I had time for on the quiz was a limerick.

In a battle of black versus white,
The dead walk and bats fly through the night.
Serra pulls her hair,
But, Hippie, beware—
Ornithopters are joining the fight.

Sorry I didn't have time for the rest.

Quack  —  FireSkunk

A long-lost friend made me sick
and asked me to write a limerick
It's taken a long time
to think of a good rhyme
so bend over and I'll give you a kick  —  Dyna Charcoal

There once was a man named Dave
Who kept a dead whore in a cave.
Oh what the hell,
I'll get used to the smell.
And think of the money I'll save.  —  you must die!i alone am best!

There once was a man from San Fras
Whose balls were made of brass
In stormy weather
They'd clang together
And lightning would shoot out his ass —  taotejay

bonus round:     

Name an apostle other than the original 12. 

ANSWER:  Within the Bible, Matthias was elected to replace the late Judas Iscariot (Acts 1:25.)  Paul and Barnabas were both called Apostles (Acts 14:14.)  Somewhat ambiguously, Judas Barsabbas and Silas (Acts 15:22), Andronicus and Junias (Romans 16:7), and especially James The Lord’s brother (Galatians 1:19) all might-or might not-be considered Apostles.   Outside of the Bible, a wealth of Church and Christian literature refers to Mary Magdalene as the “Apostle to the Apostles” based on her being the first to see the risen Jesus and carry the news to others (Matthew 28.)  This female-oriented view was later suppressed as heretical in favor of Peter being the first to see Jesus (1^st Corinthians 15:5)

BEST ANSWERS:

Mathias, who killed Judas but made it look like a suicide.  Paul, who killed James and made it look like the Herod.  And Barnabus, who left the apostles to solve these murders as the famous mediteranian detective, Barnabus Jones.  —  Smoking Gun.

Methias (? spelling), Paul, and Timothy.  —  Senzai Noryoku

Robert Duvall, some dude name Paul, and another dude who was an OJA (Original Jewish Apostle) Matt (who is really a brain police agent from the past that has come to conquer *_-=Branch Floridians=-_*.  —  SpamBoy

The definition of apostle (since you didn't capitalize it) being one who leads a cause, I could spend hours listing apostles... to name a few, Mother Theresa, one could even go so far as to say Richard O'Brien in his work to normalize homosexuality and transvestitism, or Zappa in his amazing revelations to the world of music.  —  WitKnee

STEVEN  —  LowIs

Saint, Shade, Evil Matt  —  Freezer Burn

Hmm, I have no clue....sorry shade!!  —  Wolfire

Frank Zappa  —  Marilewanna

John, Paul, Ringo  —  Bruddah Max

Roger  —  Dyna Charcoal

Chris Rock - The thirteenth apostle. They just don't like blacks.  —  Zaphod Beeblebrox

not a clue, here's a joke instead: THE FOURS KINDS OF SEX:

HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"

COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.  —  you must die!i alone am best!

Rufus —  taotejay

secret bonus round:

the following were scored 1 point per, max 3 times each

mention a cheese by name 

any "muppets" reference

any "Alice in Wonderland" reference 

"hedgehog" is included in the answer 

any answer completely in lower case

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