The Ghost of “Pop Quiz”




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1. What famous philosopher once took mescaline and subsequently spent the rest of his life convinced he was being chased by a 6-foot tall iridescent lobster?

Answer:  Jean Paul Sartre

Best Answers:

i wish it was John Waters. Did I mention I was drunk? I heard a Zappa tune with Sting on it today.  —  Burning Bush

L. Ron Hubbard (just kidding, I don't know, Hunter Thompson)  —  Anonymous

Wittgenlobster.  What most people fail to realize is that the lobster wa real, and was not pleased that its presence had been detected.  Not surprising, Wittgenlobster avoided the sea the resto of his life.  Although many attribute his death to natural causes, he was really taken out by the crustatian conspiracy.  —  Freezer Burn

Hubby knew this one, give him the credit
Jean Paul Sartre.  —  Cinder

First of all, it's spelled "irridescent", and secondly, I don't know.  —  Dyna Charcoal

Hmmm...I didn't know I was considered a philosopher.  —  Ignition Missionary

Sarte. And it wasn't the mescaline. He just forgot to pay the check one day at Red Lobster and they followed him trying to get the dough.  —  Taotaejay


2. What French organization was behind the 1793-’94 Reign of Terror that imprisoned 200,000 and guillotined 40,000 civilians? 

Answer:  The Committee for Public Safety.  Gotta love the irony.

Best Answers:

Me. In the song with Zappa and Sting, they talked about how stupid Pat Robertson was.  —  Burning Bush

The French Monarchy  —  Anonymous

Nobody expects the French Inquisition!  Their main weapons were fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, and an almost fanatical devotion to a 6 foot tall iridescent lobster.  The guillotine used was actually made of dosens of lobster claws.  —  Freezer Burn

"Committee of public safety"
bunch of cool people DAYMMMMM.  —  Cinder

the monarchy  —  Dyna Charcoal

i have absolutely no idea...the spanish inquisition? they were french, right?  —  Ignition Missionary

Le police  —  Taotaejay



3. What did Governor Connolly say to JFK right before the first shot?

Answer:  “Well, Mister President, you can't say that Texas doesn't love you!”  Again, a textbook case of irony in overdrive.

Best Answers:

Have you ever listened to Ahmet and Dweezil Zappa's version of "The Grinch"? Primo material.  —  Burning Bush

"duck"  —  Anonymous

Hey Jack, how about for lunch let's skip the convention and go to the Carousel Club for some lobster tail and lap dances?  —  Freezer Burn

Hey Marilyn Monroe gave me a phone call, she's up for a 3some. What ya think?  —  Cinder

Nice suit.  —  Dyna Charcoal

Here it comes! Act DEAD!  —  Ignition Missionary

Pay no attention to that man on the grassy knoll, Mr, President.  —  Taotaejay



bonus:  What was JFK’s response?

Answer:  “No, I guess not.”

Best Answers:

"Let god strike me dead right now if anything Frank Zappa did was good."  —  Burning Bush

"what'd you say?"  —  Anonymous

sounds good, John, and a lobster's not the only piece of tail I'd mind having, if ya know what I mean...  —  Freezer Burn

OH Hell yeah, I'm all over that shit!  —  Cinder

Arrrrrgh!  —  Dyna Charcoal

He should have won a grammy.  —  Ignition Missionary

What gra....  —  Taotaejay




1. You are running in a marathon and overtake the person in second place. What position are you in?

Answer:  Second Place

Best Answers:

In the same place as Zappa, first of course, and by the way, have you heard Ahmet's and Dweezil's "Oops I did it again?"  —  Burning Bush

Second  —  Anonymous

my position depends how far away the finish line is; I'm either crouched in a sprint or in a spread-eagled leap over the lobster still ahead of me  —  Freezer Burn

second  —  Cinder

Second.  —  Dyna Charcoal depends on how the two of you land...most likely, jailhouse doggystyle, but possibly the missionary if the second place runner tried to get a punch in before he went down.  —  Ignition Missionary

Second place.  —  Taotaejay



2. In that same race, if you instead overtake the last runner, where does that place you?

Answer:  Trick question: you cannot pass the person in last place.  The only exception to this would be if you lapped a person, but marathons are traditionally linear, not on oval tracks.

Best Answers:

Britney Spears in prolly second to last in music... I'm sure there has to be someone worse, but I do not know who it is... but Zappa's progeny still make something good out of her song  —  Burning Bush

cheating, you weren't in the race if you were behind the last runner  —  Anonymous

this places me just past the starting line.  at the beginning of the race I am tied with all the other lobsters for last place, but if i leave before at least 1 other runner, then I have passed the person in last place.  This situation exists only once, the first nanosecond into the race, because it is otherwise impossible to pass last place.  —  Freezer Burn

on this question, i  originally was not in the race: when I seen how much fun every one was having I hopped up to over take the last place runner, so i guess i would now be second to the last, running like hell to pass up the third to the last and so on,  you all know the out come of the race right? OH yeah I be DA  —  Cinder

Next to last.  —  Dyna Charcoal

you obviously suck, and werent in the race to begin with. quit smoking.  —  Ignition Missionary

Either next to last or really freakin fast!!!  —  Taotaejay


3.  Which uses more geometry: billiards or miniature golf?

Answer:  Miniature golf.  A billiard table is a flat surface, but mini golf has slopes, inclines, and moving obstacles to contend with.  It could be argued (unconvincingly) that coping with such hazards is “physics” but we are still dealing with 3 dimensions, where a pool table is essentially just 2.

Best Answers:

If I was to go golfing with Britney Spears, I do not think we'd finish the first hole before I was finishing her first and second... and third hole, but that ignores the fact that there is not only more geometry in pool, but far more physics too.  —  Burning Bush

billiards  —  Anonymous

assuming standard gravity and an absence of iridescent lobsters, golf gets it.  Raquetball's got 'em both beat, though.  —  Freezer Burn

first thought: they use the same amount of Geometry.
But for some reason i'm gonna say Billiards. :) inside joke  —  Cinder

miniature golf.  —  Dyna Charcoal

depends on who's playing...most people suck at minigolf, and will admit that, but almost everyone will give out pool advice to a hot chic. I would say that whichever game is played with a hot chic present would take the most geometry.  —  Ignition Missionary

Well, billiards requires a knowledge of geometry in a two dimensional plane. Miniature golf, on the other hand, can sometimes add a third dimension, so I say goofy golf all the way.  —  Taotaejay




1. Prove/disprove fire is alive

Answer:  The standard criteria for “life”: something that reproduces, seeks sustenance, reacts to its environment, and has a cellular structure.  Fire fits the first three but fails on the last.  Then again, so does a virus, but those are considered alive.

Best Answers:

Now Britney never did anything nearly as good as Zappa's progeny... this is to say nothing of Zappa himself. Especially if we consider the Zappa recording "Fire" in which the theatre is consumed and the show ended early. But that's the life of a fire for you.  —  Burning Bush

prove, it cosumes oxygen and produces waste while being thermogenic  —  Anonymous

NOT alive, and it is blasphemous to say otherwise.  Fires have to be started, created.  A fire cannot start itself, because it does not yet exist to do so.  An outside, non-fire force must spawn that first fire.  Man can create fire.  If fire is alive, then man can create life.  Only God can create life.  Therefore, what man creates when he makes a fire cannot be alive, or else we are infringing upon God's domain.  The closest man can come to creating life is procreation, and even then man only begats another man.  This is true of all living species—a lobster cannot give birth to a wombat, only another lobster.  Fires can be creatted from non-fire sources, many of which are not alive, so this clinches that fire is not alive.  —  Freezer Burn

I will not try to prove anything but i will say this:
Give me food and i will live.
Give me water and I will die.  —  Cinder

My head hurts.  —  Dyna Charcoal

First we must know that fire is made up mostly of matter in the 4th state, plasma. Plasma can only exist at extremely high temperatures, hotter than those where gasses, liquids, and solids exist. Therefore, since all of the living things that we are aware of live in the first three states of matter(liquid, gas, and solid), then we must assume that anything in the fourth state of matter is dead. sounds good, right?  —  Ignition Missionary

Fire is born.
Fire consumes fuel.
Fire leaves waste.
Fire can be killed.
Therefore, fire is...oh who the hell cares! It's fire. Heh heh. FIRE! FIRE!  —  Taotaejay


2. In 1935, a group of British military scientists (including future James Bond author Ian Fleming) attempted to build a death ray. It didn’t work. What became of their invention? 

Answer:  The scientists were disappointed when the death ray bounced harmlessly off its target, and were going to scrap the whole project when one of them noticed that you could tell how far away something was by timing the signal bounce.  By boosting the signal, they could bounce off of unseen objects, such as planes many miles away.  Thus, radar was born.

Best Answers:

Oh, shit. I can't really fit Zappa in to this one. Oh, wait, never mind, I just did. OK then, have some BBQ sauce or something. I figure the invention made LOTS of money in Flemings Bond books.  —  Burning Bush

Laser  —  Anonymous

Blofeld stole it with the help of renegade Nazi henchmen and stashed it on an iceberg fortress in an isolated fjord.  Bond was sent in to recover/destroy the ray, but was easily captured by the sexy yet trecherous femme fatale, 'Tye Puddy'.  Blofeld revealed his master plan to Bond (use the ray on British athletes in the upcoming Olympics to humiliate England) then slowly lowered Bond into a vat full of pissed off iridescent lobsters.  Bond escaped (of course) and foiled the plan by melting the iceberg.  Blofeld escaped, as did Ms. Puddy (who went on to do adult films in South America under the name Ella Chonch.)  —  Freezer Burn

The group of scientists were buliding this death Ray on the beach. all of a sudden a huge 6 foot tall Lobster came out of the water, the scientisit screamed and ran for their life's, The Lobster simply took what was to be the death ray back into the water, with all the chemicals, we really do  have a iridesent Lobster in our sea waters.hehe   —  Cinder

It became the modern laser.  —  Dyna Charcoal

the igia hair removal system  —  Ignition Missionary

They left it out carelessly on night, and some short guy with a funny voice dressed like a roman centurian stole it and turned it into what he called his "Q36 Space Modulator".  —  Taotaejay


3. Why oh why won’t my bee stop buzzing?

Answer:  Here are some common theories, and here is the real reason.

Best Answers:

Cause you haven't cum all over Britney's face while listening to "Yellow Snow" by of all people, Frank Zappa.  —  Burning Bush

it's flying (the movement of the wings produces the noise)  —  Anonymous

SHade, I think it's time to see a doctor about that, cuz it sounds like your eardrum is shot.  I bet it's all that Zappa you've been blaring.  Some of those notes'll crack glass & just aren't natural, and after a few decades I bet it warped your ears out of whack.  You could try using some lobster as earplug filters, too.  —  Freezer Burn

cause, lady you F***ing won't listen to me.  —  Cinder

Buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz  —  Dyna Charcoal

too much acid, man.  —  Ignition Missionary

Tech support response:
"Please turn off your computer, take it back to the store you purchased it from and inform the manager that you are too fucking stupid to own a computer and could they please take it back."  —  Taotaejay



1. As a metaphor, does the whale in Melville’s Moby Dick represent good or evil?

Answer:  Good.  White is the traditional color of goodness.  However, it is actually easier to prove the whale was good by proving the opposite: Ahab was evil.  According to the Bible, Ahab was the most wicked king of Israel (and his wife Jezebel was pretty perverted, too.)  “Ahab did evil in the sight of the Lord, more than all that were before him.”  (1 Kings 16:30)  On the Pequod, Ahab essentially performs a Black Mass during the oath-binding ceremony where he gets the crew to swear to slay the whale. 

Best Answers:

OK, DICK! Use it to cum all over Britney's face already. Do I have to work Zappa in to another porn video for you?  —  Burning Bush

good  —  Anonymous

Neither.  Let's face it- the book is about COCK.  BIG, WHITE COCK.  The whale is a metaphor for 17 inches of flaccid lobster penis.  They are chasing after a sperm whale named "Dick" for gawdsakes!  The boys on that boat want a big, white cock!  They either want it up their ass, or swinging between their legs in place of the pitiful piece they do have.  Motives here run the spectrum from homophobia to penis envy.  In the end, everyone is killed by the BIG WHITE COCK, so I think Melville intended the whale to be seen as evil, though he is doubtless just covering up for his own inadiquecies.  —  Freezer Burn

So now let us add Moby Dick to our blessings
hehe B/C  —  Cinder

evil. Pure bloody unadulterated evil.  —  Dyna Charcoal

it's all in the name...anyone named dick is obviously evil.  —  Ignition Missionary

Neither. It represents Jacques Cousteau.  —  Taotaejay


2. Name one of shade’s novels.

Answer:  essene, Blade, First Hit’s Free! and Lady Gretta’s Discovery

Best Answers:

I'll bet FZ is mentioned somewhere in it!  —  Burning Bush

Lady Gretta's Lobster  —  Freezer Burn

Lady Gretta's Discovers Lobster's LOL  —  Cinder

Essene.  —  Dyna Charcoal

lawn pizza  —  Ignition Missionary




3. Give an example of an anagram.

Answer:  an anagram is taking a word and rearranging the letters to make another word.  “Ronald Wilson Reagan” is an anagram of “Insane Anglo Warlord” and “George Herbert Walker Bush” is an anagram of “Huge Berserk Rebel Warthog”.

Best Answers:

I'm busy listening to Zappa...  —  Burning Bush

kucsymdkci (suck my dick)  —  Anonymous

iridescent lobsters = dissect beer nostril 
[sounds like a card from that old game "operation" I guess in this case the beer nostril is where that little lightbulb screwed in, the one that went off if you pooched the operation.]  —  Freezer Burn

"Mother in law" ~ Women Hitler  —  Cinder

Ring Kitchard the...wait, no, that's a spoonerism.  —  Dyna Charcoal

pink chickens ride slowly across the dead leaves, leaving behind anguish and broken hearts.  —  Ignition Missionary

No thanks. I just ate.  —  Taotaejay


extra credit

Name something barbeque sauce is good on/with.

Answer:  barbeque sauce is good with everything!

Best Answers:

Britney Spears?  —  Burning Bush

my dick, if Matthew's sucking it ('cause he's the only person I know who likes the shit)  —  Anonymous

Waitress, I think we're ready to order now.  Let's start with the tossed lobster salad with thousand island barbecue sauce, and some iridescent lobster potstickers with barbecue soy dipping sauce.  For main we'll take two large lobster pastas with barbecue maranara, a small wok lobster with a side of barbequed jalopenos, and, oh, one crock pot of lobster with the barbeque fondue shishkabob dealies, enough for all of us.  We'd all like barbequed lobster coffee served in a hollow lobster claw, plus a carafe of water from a live lobster tank.  Oh, and we need more ashtrays, chop chop!  — Freezer Burn

ummmm in saint's eyes.
I would  say most everything!  —  Cinder

My ass.  —  Dyna Charcoal

everything but ice cream.  —  Ignition Missionary

Buffalo wings (with RANCH DRESSING!!!! HA HA HA!!!)  —  Taotaejay


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