Offspring of the Great Conspiracy Matriarch, Patsy Loan-Nutt, have been active in the past two centuries.  While it is a given that her pedigree and prodigy extend beyond that, space and information are limited.  Here is by a no-means inclusive family graph for her recent history:

As you can see, there certainly seem to be a lot of Loan-Nutts in history.  Odd how “they” want us to believe that it was just one of the Loan-Nutts who “just happened” to be in the right place at the right time with a rifle.  Patsy would be pleased.

If you think you know of one of the descendants of Patsy loan-Nutt, let us know. Send your candidate (no Manchurians, please, except Raymond) to: .

“your tax dollars in action” department:

Most of you probably know that the corpse claimed by the FBI to be John Dillinger’s bore three distinguishing features: the wrong height & wrong eye-color with the “real” Dillinger, and a penis 17 inches flaccid.

For those of you who didn’t know that last fact, I will repeat it, lest ye think it a typo: the body possessed a penis seventeen inches long when soft, and possibly twenty-three inches erect.

But if you knew that already, then it’s old news that said phallus is missing from said corpse.  Word around the campfire has always been that it’s in a jar of formaldehyde in a “special” part of the Smithsonian.

I am convinced this is an urban legend.

The truth is far more sinister.

Consider two other body parts known to be missing:

First, we have Che Guevara’s hands.  When Che was killed in Bolivia (on direct orders from the CIA) the Bolivians cut off Che’s hands and sent them to D.C. as proof positive that the Che was now in the Past Tense.  (cuttin’ off a dead man’s hands, man—what kind of sick savages are we dealing with here?!?)  But anyway, those hands have since disappeared.

Second, JFK’s brain has also been missing—ever since the botched autopsy at Bethesda Naval.

Clearly, someone in the government is collecting body parts.  Anyone see a pattern: so far “they” have the largest schlong this side of a gray whale, the sensitive hands of a skilled surgeon, and the brain (which controls the sex drive) of the horniest human in history.

This has more than a shade of Mary Shelly to it.  What I wanna know is, just what the phuq are they constructing?

Today, April 19^th, also marks another anniversary, which is as obscure as it is important: the Martyrdom of Saint shade 1332 years ago.

Since some of you asked,,,

or, shade’s tale

Saint shade is the patron saint of conspiracy and paranoia.  Although (public) Church documentation is suspiciously silent about him, this is to be expected and only speaks further to his influence in events out of immediate sight.  Private records and histories do have references to him, offering numerous clues as to who he really was.  Perhaps the best testimony comes from the anonymous Albigensian manifesto, Lies of the Saints.  A badly chipped mosaic behind the alter of the (Byzantine) Mary Magdeline Convent on Lesbos purports to be of him, though it is unclear whether the dark circles over the eyes are deterioration damage or attempts to replicate sunglasses.  Likewise, the Cicilian Basilica of St. Unctuous alleges to have two stained glass discs wired together (sunglasses?) supposedly belonging to shade, though this is believed to be a chronologically large anachronism.  It must be remembered that the same place also claims to have the circumcised foreskin of Baby Jesus, which recent testing showed to be seven inches long and made of latex.

shade is generally accepted to be the Hatchet Man for Pope (St.) Martin I (who died under duress in a Byzantine prison cell) and his successors, the illegally elected (St.) Eugene I and (St.) Vitalian.  Although there is no evidence of shade actually employing a hatchet, his preferred weapon seems to have been a poison pen. Numerous epistles have been uncovered, all bearing the same handwriting and caustic wit.  They are some of the best examples of sarcasm, dramatic irony, and double entendre to be found in the Dark Ages.  Perhaps most important is Vatican Fragment E23, which is incomplete but would seem to be a recipe for barbecue sauce (a tell-tale ingredient was “lemon curry.”)

All evidence suggests shade played both sides of the contemporary Roman/Byzantine schism. There is extensive evidence of shade’s participation in the failed plot by Martin I and the traitorous Greek exarch Olympus to overthrow Emperor Constans II, though shade’s role and motive is obscure.  The exact machinations behind the Byzantine kidnapping of the bedridden Martin I have never been discerned in full, though most scholars suspect some form of traitorous aid from Roman faction(s), which all but names shade. It is well-known that Constans II openly announced that as soon as he had dealt with the infidel upstarts attacking his kingdom (a new heathen calling themselves Moslems,) he would kidnap and probably kill Eugene I so as to put his own Bishop on the Throne of Rome to end the schism.  Most mysterious—and convenient—was the sudden death of Eugene I, and as always shade has no alibi for that fateful night of June 2, 657.

The main theological debate at the time was how many wills Jesus had. The subject is complex and confusing, and is worth some research because it involves lots of lateral thinking and raises some interesting questions/dilemmas.  Short version of the quandry: did Jesus have 1 (divine) will, or 2 wills (human and divine)? Catholics, who believed the latter, branded the former a heresy (Gk.: choice) called “monothelitism.” shade’s handiwork can best be seen in a compromising joint encyclical between Martin I and Patrarch Peter: Jesus possessed one will as a human, but his dual Divine nature (Individual and Hypostatic [part of the Trinity]) each had one will. This meant that Jesus actually had 3 wills—new theological territory indeed!  This could only be shade having a logic/linguistic joke.  When Martin I read the compromise to the assembled crowd of clergy at the Church of Mary Major, they were so offended and outraged that they rioted and shouted the Pope down from the pulpit, preventing him from completing Mass until he promised to renounce the new doctrine. shade was surely laughing instead.

All evidence indicates that shade spelled his name deliberately in lower case, a practice I have chosen to emulate (hence my e-mail of Stshade as opposed to StShade.).  Anyway, and unfortunately, this grammatical practice ultimately led to his untimely demise.  It was apparently his opinion that the only name worthy of capitalization was “God”, which raised the ire of his pompous patron, Vitalian.  Despite being subjected to the dreaded tortures of The Comfey Chair, The Soft Pillows, and The Refrigerator Rack, he refused to recant.  He was even forced to eat his own words, and nearly died from parchment poisoning and ink infection.  shade met his end on April 19, 666 when his solitary confinement cell spontaneously combusted.  No records remain of how the fire started.