World Domination Update
Secret Word For The Day: redrum
Cheese of the Week: Mongolian Yak-milk
Site of the Week: The Speedtrap Registry
Now Playing: David Bowie: Sound + Vision 2
in this issue:
I have made several observations about Arizona that are worth passing on, to prepare you all for when you migrate out here for Phase Two of World Domination.
First, the climate is so desiccant that lighters dry out in no time. No joke—I’ve had appallingly bad lighter juju out here, in that my Zippo keeps drying up about every week.
I may always keep my lighter handy, but it may not always have fuel.
Second, the area’s fascination with Country Music borders between extreme and maniacal. To investigate this phenomenon I went to a Dwight Yoakham concert. I have to admit it was a pretty good show, and of course I had the coolest hat there. To counteract that, I’m off to see Santana on Sunday. Some of you may remember my last Santana concert, where we arrived in time for the encores and I had a near-miss fistfight with Chubba the Barbarian. Hopefully this will go better.
Third, there are entirely too many sports out here. Baseball, football, men’s and women’s basketball, soccer, and, yes even a hockey team. Most of you probably recall my diatribe against sports in a previous WDU, and sports obsession was my second greatest hatred about Chicago (a close second after the weather.) I remember when I got back to Florida breathing a sigh of relief that I wouldn’t have to deal with sports junkies (aka “athletic supporters”) any more. But then the Marlins won the World Series, ending that thought. If any team in ’Zona wins anything, I may have to reconsider relocating our headquarters here.
Barring that, the quest for a compound we can call our own is proceeding, though rather slowly. It seems that most of the open desert around here is either owned by the Government or the indigenous Indians, and they seem rather reluctant to part with it. Some of you have expressed hesitancy about camping out where there is no natural water, to which I can only call you wussies and suggest you bring a couple coolers full of Pepsi and some sun screen 2000.
In other news, just when I give up trying to teach Louie our pet parrot to say “redrum” he starts squawking something suspiciously similar. RawBurn wishes to go on record saying she is not amused, to which I can only reply, “Louie will have to be corrected.”
Sling-shots from the Grassy Knoll
If you’re like me, then you have long suspected that the whole David/Goliath story smells like a tuna sandwich left in the sun all day.
The “official” story is told in 1 Samuel 17. Most of us know the weight-watcher’s version from either Sunday School or reruns of “Magic Book”: a big Philistine named Goliath challenged the Israelites to a duel, which was accepted by an unknown boy named David. David goes out armed only with a sling and a few stones, but manages to get off one really good shot. He pegs the giant in the head, and the underdog David slays the mighty Goliath.
Cute story, but in reality a close reading of the actual text reveals this to be a revisionist cover-up for a far darker conspiracy.
First of all, David is far from “unknown,” in that the previous chapter is all about how David won prominence in King Saul’s court: “And whenever the EVIL SPIRIT FROM GOD was upon Saul, David took his lyre and played it with his hand; so Saul was refreshed and was well, and the evil spirit departed from him.” (16:23, emphasis added by shade.) Clearly Saul knows David personally, so his asking who David was after the battle (17:55-58) makes no sense-unless the person in question wasn’t David.
Was there a Second David, or a David Impostor? Not as preposterous as it seems, for v:15 makes it clear that during all the days of the battle, the “real” David was tending sheep in Bethlehem. More telling, the youth who fought Goliath is described as “…ruddy and comely in appearance.” (v:42) - descriptions not used of “David” anywhere else.
Likewise, Goliath is subject to contradictory reports, making it vague who “David” actually fought. In the Masoretic (Hebrew) version of v:4 Goliath is “six cubits and a span” (roughly 9 feet 9 inches, depending on who’s arm was used to define a cubit.) However, the Dead Sea Scrolls and the Septuagint (Greek) texts of the same passage give Goliath’s height as “four cubits and a span” (roughly 6 feet 9 inches.) This difference of 3 feet is inexcusable, and tells us one of two things: either there were two “Goliaths,” or no one was close enough to take accurate measurements and—more importantly—see what really happened.
The Bible itself supports the last conclusion. Since throughout the David/Goliath duel all Israelite observers were cowering in the foothills far away, it is clear that no one had a good view of the actual happenings. And I think this is why the “official” narrative of the assassination of Goliath is so weak—no one saw it with clarity.
Let’s examine the “facts.” David and Goliath are running toward each other when David fires a sling stone (v:48) This would be a tricky shot indeed (one moving target hitting another.) In v:49 the stone “…struck the Philistine on his forehead; the stone sank into his forehead, and he fell on his face to the ground.” This despite the fact that Goliath very explicitly (v:5) wore a helmet to prevent such a thing.
A critical analysis of this vital passage makes it clear that all is not well. Goliath is supposedly hit in the forehead, but falls forward (“on his face.”) If he had been hit on his forehead, Goliath would have fallen back and to the left. Yet he falls forward. Secondly, we are told the stone sinks inward. This clearly is a distance-distorted optical illusion by the viewers cowering in the hills to explain the fact that the stone is not visible. Much more likely what they saw was an exit wound.
Any chance of telling what really happened was hampered immediately after the fact by David himself, who took Goliath’s sword and cut the giant’s head off, hiding it in an undisclosed location in Jerusalem (v:51, 54). This is clearly a cover-up to ensure no autopsy or inquiry into the fatal head wound, lest people discover that David was no the killer. The narrative also indicates aid in the conspiracy from elements within the Israelite government itself.
An objective look at the “official” account makes it clear that David did not—indeed could not—kill Goliath. The Philistine giant was obviously struck by a blow from behind, causing him to fall forward “on his face.” Clearly, there was a second slingman, hidden in the bushes behind the battle-line.
I am even prepared to name this second slingman. According to 2 Samuel 21:19 Goliath was killed by—not David—but by a warrior named Elhanan.
Goliath’ theory of the last paragraph has been called into question, thanks to
some impressive research by Cartesius. Click here.
The Return of False Jesii
In a previous World Domination Update, you were warned of Signs of The End. Several of them have subsequently come true, but one in particular has been repeatedly recurring for 2,000 years and no doubt will continue to pop up. I am referring, of course, to the Return of the False Jesii (plural for Jesus.)
But wait a minute, because things get mucky once you clear out the obvious suckers, like Manson, Koresh, and anyone on Jerry Springer. We have to remember to also keep an eye on the False Prophets pedaling their False Messiahs, for these are the False Farmers sewing the seeds of confusion. Again, common sense rules out Manson, Koresh, and Springerites, but common sense is a commodity rarer and more valuable than gold these days. It is as important to scrutinize the messenger as the message in watching out for False Jesii. After all, the Return extends beyond the physical presence of one of these turkeys—it absolutely includes an incorrect CONCEPT being foisted upon us.
I remember channel surfing a few years ago and finding some low-budget (and presumably) public access religious channel. The show was hosted by this black guy in a gold lamé dashiki; he spent half his time ranting about how The White Man was the Devil, how the 12 Tribes of Israel corresponded to the populations of the Caribbean Islands, and how the Garden of Eden was somewhere in central Africa. You get the picture. One of the points he kept repeating was that Jesus was “African American.” I remember one Biblical proof of this was a passage describing Jesus’ hair as “woolly;” presumably Revelation 1:14, “…hair as white as wool.”
Putting aside this nit-wit’s inability to discern a simile from a metaphor (among other things!) let’s analyze this last thesis: Jesus was an “African American.” But first, a quick examination of the underlying semantics.
I distinguish between “black” and “African American” for many reasons, the first being, “what do you call a black person who lives in London?” “African American” is a relatively recent term, one which I find too confining and reeking of Political Correctness. It also leads to some of the confusion this guy was experiencing: logically, all “African Americans” are “Black,” but not all “Blacks” are “African Americans.” But obviously, logic was not this guy’s strong point.
Whether or not Jesus was Black is something scholars have been kicking around for a while. Objectively speaking, I believe it is impossible to tell, because we know nothing about Mary’s lineage—the Bible only gives that of Joseph, who was not even Jesus’s biological father. Whether Mary had any African heritage is sheer speculation. She (and thus Jesus) may very well have been black or at least mulatto; but African AMERICAN?!?
This tv twinkie is not an isolated example, either. I have seen at several “Rappin’ with Jesus” Biblical paraphrases in Ebonics. What’s next? A musical called “Jesus Christ SuperFly”?
“Who’s the Black private messiah that’s a savior machine to all the chicks?”
…but I digress…
All this is an example of a false CONCEPT being fostered. It is just as important to watch out for the CONCEPTS as the PHYSICAL MANIFESTATIONS.
Here are some other False Jesii you can expect to see in the near future, either in the flesh or in some doctrine:
Seen any False Jesii lately? .
About 8 years ago I used to be friends with a Jehovah’s Witness, whose mother once told me that dinosaurs never existed. After all, she said, they are completely unmentioned in the Bible (except for oblique references to Behemoth and Leviathan) and are said to have lived millions of years ago—an impossibility since a literal reading of Scripture has the Earth 6,000 years old. The clincher, she claimed, was that scientists only found dinosaur bones a little over 100 years ago—before then they were completely unknown. The concept of natural extinction (as opposed to man-made, as with the dodo) goes against the grain of a loving God, who would not allow such great creatures to die off. So clearly something is amiss. According to her, dinosaurs were just plain bogus: scientists at either Cambridge or Columbia university (I forget which) had a secret little laboratory where they “created” dinosaur bones, and then went out to hide them and “find” them shortly thereafter. It was all part of a plot to discredit Creationism.
To her credit, the daughter didn’t buy into this. Her take was that dinosaurs were taken into Heaven by God right before the flood, because they were too large to fit onto the Ark.
Mom does raise one good point however: isn’t it odd that we never started finding dinosaur bones until over a hundred years ago? Well, I think I know why: dinosaurs didn’t die out until 100 years ago.
More accurately, 100 years ago, Islamic scientists sent a meteorite back in time to rid the planet of the dinos. The meteorite did not strike in the Yucatan, as is commonly believed, but in the Saudi Peninsula. You got it—it’s the mystery stone on display at the Kabbah in Mecca, and it’s role in dinosaur extinction is the real reason it is so venerated. It was all part of a plot to reverse-engineer the creation of oil, which is of course the source of Moslem power and wealth.
Time travel is, of course, relatively easy (pardon the Einsteinian pun) with the right tools. In this case, the tools were readily available. It is well-known that if you drop a cat, it will always land on its feet. Likewise, if you drop a piece of buttered toast, it will always land on the butter side. All that was necessary was to strap a Persian cat and a piece of buttered falaffel to opposite sides of an object (in this case, the Kabbah Stone) and drop it. The two will spin around just over the ground, increasing in speed until the light barrier is broken—sending them back in time. By the time they have traveled back to the Paleozoic era, the cat will become hungry and eat the piece of toast. This will cause the stone to stop spinning, and hit the ground with tremendous force—enough to cause the “nuclear winter” that eliminated the dinosaurs.
I believe the Kabbah stone was launched in this fashion 100 years ago, and that is why we did not find dinosaur bones until then.
The Hedgehog Corner
By Harriet the Hedgehog
Hedgehogs have been prime movers throughout history. Here are some little-known ’hogs and their well-known contributions:
Anyone aware of other Historical Hedgehogs please contact
© 1998 (II,v)