World Domination Update
Relocation Report”
volume 2, issue 4

Secret Word of the Day: stinkyfeet
Site of the Week: The Darwin Awards
Cheese of the Week: Camembert (it’s a bit runny; - oh! The cat’s eaten it!)
Now Playing: Beastie Boys, Check Your Head

in this issue...

·  End Signs
·  Chip’s Quip Explained
·  Numerological Proof that MCI is Bad Luck
·  Meteorology Exposed

but first, I’m outta here!

Farewell Florida!

Well, folks, the time has come to establish Base Camp Mojave, so I’m packing the pick-up and puttering out west.  You all know the drill: get some land in the desert, put up a fence to keep out the coyotes, stockpile some ammunition, & wait for the Inevitable Showdown with the Bad Boys Brandishing Badges & Billyclubs.

Obviously, as soon as I have the basic hovel up, I will appreciate any help you all can offer: digging the moat, laying landmines, planting peyote, etc.  Remember, if we can get enough people out there, we can incorporate as a town (Bad Ass, Arizona) and petition for representation in congress!

Actually, it has come to my attention that less than 20% of Arizona is available for commercial/private use.  So if we can’t get a suitable site to set up the compound on, we may have to resort to Plan B.  Fortunately, a friend of mine just passed along a site where you can pick up some land on Mars at bargain prices: The Martian Consulate.

Until then, I’ll be in Phoenix, staying with rawBurn. It will no doubt take a while to get housing/employment/new identity/gun licenses/etc., so it may be a while before the next World Domination Update.  Bare with me.

In the meantime, I temporarily turn things over to shade, who is still getting over the flu.

But of course, our objective is “think for yourself,” so if you are observing Branch Floridianism correctly then none of this is of relevance or interest ANYWAY.

My relocation does NOT mean a dissolution of the Branch Floridians, of course, or the schisming into Branch Arizonians.  We are espousing an attitude and mindset, not geography. Obviously, many of you will remain behind in the Sunshine State to carry on the work here, and I am sure that there will be fresh Floridian recruits in the future.  I am simply leaving Florida for (mostly) personal reasons.

Actually, Chip made a good call about state shapes a little while ago.  If you’ve studied a map, you no doubt notice that Florida is very phallic (if flaccid) in shape.  With that in mind, it logically follows that Alabama is the gonad, Louisiana the scrotum, and Texas is the Asshole of our nation.

But you already knew that, didn’t you...

In other news, I would like everyone to extend a “warm” welcome to our latest recruit-o-plebes, rawBurn, Cinder, and Burn Deck.  Also, I quit smoking (again!)  To help ease the transition from tobacco, Burn Deck turned me on to special herbal cigarettes.  The active ingredients are marshmallow and red clover. (and for those of you rushing to the REPLY button, don’t bother—we’ve already run the range of Lucky Charms jokes.)

Anyway, to tide you over (with a lead-lined life preserver) until my next cyber-epistle, here is the latest on the World Domination Front...

...since I’ll be incommunicado for a while, it is important that all of you keep a vigil for these

Omens of the End:

·  Frank Zappa gets regular radio play
·  shade gets published
·  movies forgo actors and plots to just be vehicles for special effects
·  the last bookstore closes
·  publication of a magazine that is nothing but subscription inserts
·  voter ballots are fingerprinted (“officially” to eliminate voter fraud)
·  the length between a trend and its retrospective reprisal becomes 1 week
·  The Bill of Rights declared unconstitutional, suspended
·  Elvis dies of cholesterol poisoning in Vegas truckstop
·  last digit of p discovered (8)
·  prozac replaces fluoride as mandatory water additive
·  Baskin Robins new flavor of the month: Pork
·  animal rights groups win Supreme Court case; mandatory vegetarianism
·  vegetable rights groups win Supreme Court case, mandatory iv feeds
·  all stores required to stay open 24 hours
·  abolition of the penny from U.S. currency
·  Tori Spelling gets a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame
·  sugar declared an addictive substance, outlawed
·  hedgehogs proven to be second-most intelligent life form in solar system

Obviously, the Appearance of False Jesii should be included, but that is a digression in itself, and when you add in a tally of their guises, you have a lengthy list indeed!  I’ll spare ya’ll for now & include it in a future update, once I’ve had more time to research the subject.


    …sorry, I didn’t quite catch that…

“I have no testicles or fat!”

Chip’s infamous cry after hanging up the hard way on the IRS.

Surprisingly, most of you chose to take the comment at face value.

Mme. Unicorn’s analysis is most succinct: “perhaps the Feds wanted a pound of flesh (ie: fat), and he didn’t have the balls to give it to them.”

Five pounds of Flax to Gwendylin the Good Witch of the North!

She is, of course, wholly incorrect.

Here is the correct translation (think the three witches in MacBeth for context)

“Eye of newt, testicle of bat…”

Phone sects

by shade

Recently, I made an observation of Earth-shaking potential.  Since we all use phones, this has the potential of affecting all of us.

You’ve all heard of MCI; hell, if you’re like me they either call or mail at least once a month to beg you to switch over.

Officially,” MCI stands for “Microwave Communication Incorporated.”

But that’s just what They want you to think.


MCI is Roman Numerals for 1101
1101 is Binary Numerals for 13
13 is bad luck


Makes ya think, don’t it?!?

No, huh...


You all remember my Conspiracy theory concerning International House of Pancakes?  Good.  Well, recently during his entrance interview, Burn Deck revealed the following while said theory was being explained,,,

SAINT: “...I mean, when’s the last time you ate there?”
BURN DECK: “Actually, about two weeks ago.”
SAINT: “Oh. Well, let me guess—you were the only ones there, right?”
BURN DECK: “Actually, we had to wait 15 minutes to get a table.”
SAINT: “Hmmmm. Well, it was nasty, wasn’t it?”
BURN DECK: “There was a big clump of hair in the silver dollar pancakes.”
SAINT: “A-ha!”

(note to all BFs: since Burn Deck actually ate there, would this disqualify him from membership?  I’ve heard stories that one of the many syrup bottles on the tables is actually labeled MK-ULTRA.)

And finally, weather you like it or not…

Despite numerous Biblical injunctions against divining the future and studying the skies (Deut. 18:10, etc.) meteorology isn’t condemned by any of today’s phundamentalists (spelled this way ‘cause I see no “fun” in them.)  This is hypocrisy, for predicting the course of nature seems to me to be a textbook definition of studying the skies and/or the future.  After all, nature is God’s domain, right?  Although many claim abortionists should be put to death for the lesser charge of murder, they have yet to invoke the correct penalty for this expressly forbidden scientific sorcery.

DynaCharcoal, the head of our Missouri Chapter (and Keeper of the Sacred Gray and White Naughty Bits) pays her rent by announcing the weather for a local tv station.  Recently, she confided in me what I have suspected all along: “if we don’t know, we just blame El Niño.”

This tells me tons, and backs up my theory that this El Niño Phenomenon is bogus.  After all, satellites have been studying the weather for decades, but they just “recently” discovered this?  Next they’ll be saying that a butterfly beating its wings in Japan will cause a typhoon in Vancouver.

Of course, it’s just a small jump from creating weather excuses to actually creating the weather itself, which brings us to the real point here.  Scientists and shamans alike have long been able to manipulate weather, everything from seeding clouds to rain dances.  And if one objectively studies these “natural” disasters, a pattern quickly emerges.  For instance, ever notice that tornadoes never strike at important places like MIT, Beverly Hills, or army bases?  Nope, they always manage to wipe out some low-rent white trash trailer park.

Sounds suspicious to me, Toto!  I think you’ll find the government is behind it, using artificial weather control to get rid of welfare cases and such.

Y’know, THEY want us to think that weather is the cause behind the crop circle phenomenon.  Maybe there is a straight-faced joke in that—best place to hide the truth is often out in the open, mislabeled.

Anyway, I’m outa here; so until I get back, take care & I’ll talk to everyone soon!


trust no one
deny everything
& always keep your lighter handy!

    grace & peace,



pre-mailing post-script
6/7 1:30am
the night god retired

today has the night where nothing went right.  i did a flashmail of this manifesto, and being vunderkind i am, failed to notice it didn’t go through.  thinking i had said my temporary farewells to you all, i packed up the ’puter & went off to play god. most of you know that i’m a Magic fanatic, and that my card base has earned me the nickname “god” at the local comic shop tourneys.  (well, that and “howard stern”...)  anyway, went over with burn deck & kicked newbie ass.  had a cool pestilence/fungasaur/whirling dervish deck.  it was a slaughter: 5-0 (9-2 overall) burn deck came in third with a cool bruise removal.  (honourable mention to matt’s “whos afraid of the big bad wolf” deck, which would have done better against me were it not for my first tirn five-point mind-twist, but i digress...) most of you have no idea what i’m babbling about; but only neopoet, deliboy joe and maybe john from b&n will know who i mean: stinkyfeet girl was there.  i’d told b.d. the origins of her nickname, and he began squeaking “stinkyfeet!” at random intervals.  i was cracking up. she was playing with a half-assed thallid deck that didn’t win once.  i’ll give her the benefit of the doubt & hope she was just going for style points.  as pestilence wreaked a token holocost, burn deck asked, “you’re playing thalids?'”  she replied, “people do weird things.”  he replies, “like wash their feet?” maybe you had to be there.

anyway, got back & packed the cards away. god has temporarally retired.
burn deck let me check my mail on his ’puter. this was partly how i found out that the wdru didn’t transmit.  so i unpacked the hard drive & set up shop at burn deck’s (who most conveniently had a spare monitor) to redo this.  special thanks to him for helping me get this out to all of you; this more than makes up for any ihop infractions.


this last little bit is being written to you on line; i have isolated the problem with the flashmail.  two of you have disappeared: BF Fyrhe and B&N John.  hmmmmm—-maybe the IHOP Gestapo nicked Fyrhe and Stinkyfeet Girl knocked off John!  

anyway, i’ll talk to you all from ’zona!


© 1998 (II,iv)