World Domination Update
“Bleach Blanket Bingo”
vol III, iss iv

“The voice of one crying in the wilderness”
                                            —Matthew 3:3

Secret Word of the Day: “What IS your fascination with the Forbidden _____ of Mystery?!?”
Site of the Week: This is Rotten dot com
Cheese of the Week: Wensleydale  (the most popular cheese ’round these parts!)
Now paying: Newsboy Legion, “Sounds from the Electric Lawnchair” (aka Phase Two of “Quaaludes & Cold Cream”)

in this issue:

·  Domain Dot Org
·  Bone Shaman Sham
·  Paul & the Brain Police
·  Ask Evil Matt
·  Eye on Elvis
·  Hedgehog Alcoholism

But First...


shade’s summer situation synopsis


Hi, boys & girls!

First and foremost I want to announce that we are one step closer in our goal of World Domination in that we finally have Internet Domain!  Although saint has yet to locate a suitable tract of land to build our Earthly compound on, the World Wide Web is a different dream. is now ours, and we are officially on the web.  A CyberCompound is better than none, and you must admit it puts a whole new spin on “my kingdom is not of this world.”  saint and I felt the dot org was more appropriate than a dot com because the Branch Floridians are a non-profit organization.  We want you to open up your mind, not your wallet, and I think you all agree that thinking should be free.  We have frequently discussed getting the Branch Floridians officially registered as a non-profit organization for tax exemption and other perks (like writing off cigarettes and lighters as a business expense!)  Getting the dot org is a big step toward this, and in legitimizing our crusade in general.  Both saint and I would like to thank Reverend 451 and Burning Bush for helping make this important move possible.

Burning Bush also bears the distinction of being the Branch Floridians’ first martyr. BB’s been an enthusiastic supporter of our extra cheese campaign from the beginning, and recently went to extremes to get some extra cheese.  Ol’ Boy not only whipped out the scale to get empirical proof that the cheese just ain’t there, but told the manager he would refuse delivery on a pie if it did not meet his extra cheese standards.  He sent a pie back FOUR TIMES until they sent him one “just dripping with cheese.”  Dude, that white bubbly stuff on top probably wasn’t cheese, and I don’t even want to think what else was on there…  Four times, man; that’s balls like Big Ben, but he said it was good.

Further proof of the Gumby’s Dairy Gestapo’s crimes against their customers comes from an admission by an actual Scumby’s manager to K-Whynot (Rev. 451’s feminine half.)  The nazi-in-charge-of-the-cheese flat out told her was standard practice to cheat a pizza of its extra cheese.  Many of you received her forward; I sent a copy to but not surprisingly it was deleted.

I’ve been musing on this stinginess, and think I see the reasoning behind it. I suspect they see cheese as a metaphor, though for what exactly I am not sure.  Perhaps it’s “The Big Cheese” (who’s glad that you could all come to his little party, and Flopsy’s glad, too, aren’t you, Flopsy?!?)

The Exorcism of the Blue Light

You knew it would happen sooner or later: saint and his heretical nemesis DK squared off for a Battle Royale at the Blue Light.  (Or maybe it was just a drinking contest that just got tragically out of hand...)  saint shrugged off the Tequila Beat-down, proved himself the Jager Master, and puffed anything packed in the pipe.  Realizing he was being outshone by someone who doesn’t even drink, DK did his best to drive saint away by cranking Freebird, which (of course) will drive saint from any room (“never heard it all the way through, never will” he boasts.)  Of course, soon as the song ended he’d be back and head straight for the Jager.  By midnight DK was passed out on the carpet curled up in a big blue blankie, but saint was still standing, slicing limes for another round of Cuervo shots with Shaggy and McCarty.  saint even passed the dreaded Dr. McCarty Drunkenness Check: recite the alphabet, walk five steps, touch your nose with your eyes closed, the dreaded “follow my finger,” and the even more-dreaded “pull my finger.”  saint partied like the rock star he should be, and it was agreed by all (still awake) that this conclusively proved the superiority of barbeque sauce over ranch dressing.  After such a humiliating defeat, it’s not surprising that the next day DK was gone from Desert Palm for good.  The Blue Light has been banished!  However, rumor is that the Ranch Peninsulars are merely regrouping and that DK plans to build a little fort headquarters over on South Mountain.

In other news...

Researcher Michael McNulty has found potential evidence that the Waco conflagration was started by FBI flash grenades.  The remnants of at least six grenades were found in the locations the fires started, and are suspiciously mislabeled as “silencers” or “suppressors” on Texas Rangers’ crime scene inventories.  They are clearly flash-bang devices, of the type used by law enforcement agencies.  Both the flash and bang are driven by a small pyrotechnic charge, and are known to cause fires in confined fire-hazard spaces. McNulty is currently working on his second documentary on Waco, so will probably have more details of this development in it.


According to a recent CNN story, a failed Argentinean fur-breeding enterprise a few decades ago released its beavers into the wild when the venture went bankrupt.  The beavers bread unchecked, and at over one hundred thousand strong are now the dominant force on Tiera del Fuego.  The island has been ravaged by the rodents, who are now hungrily eyeing the mainland.  Swimming’s no problem for the little guys, and at this rate Argentina can expect the beaver invasion any day now.  Soon South America will be overrun by beavers.  There is also evidence that they are working with their northern relatives for a coordinated conquest of the entire hemisphere.  Eventually we could be up to our knees in beavers.

Which might not be a bad thing.


We can add Bob Keeshan (Captain Kangaroo) to our list of people in youth-oriented entertainment who are not aging.  (see WDU III,ii for full details.)

A new variation has been suggested for the “spinning cat/buttered toast time travel to kill the dinosaurs” theory (WDU II,iii).  The cat eats the toast to stop spinning/time traveling, but this results in a hairball that is what actually killed the dinosaurs.

The Sedona Report

saint just turned 31.  For those who don’t know your Bob Dylan, the Zimmermman Mantra was “Don’t trust anyone over 30!”

Of course, we at the Branch Floridians take that a step farther and just don’t trust anyone, so conflict solved.

But I digress.

saint had the week off, so he and FireSkunk took off on a road trip, cruising for burgers in daddy’s new car.  More likely they were scouting the Sonoran for prospective sites for the BadAss compound.  They ended up in Sedona, and were nice enough to send me a few postcards.  Judging from the pictures on them, I am tempted to agree with him that it is the most beautiful place he’s ever seen.  The mountains were just majestic, and he and FireSkunk had all the nature trails to themselves.  Just breathtaking, and no litter, either. But expensive, and very rich.  Even the trailer trash had satellite dishes. Sedona has been a center for both “paranormal” and “new age” practitioners for a while now, but oddly enough there is a large Catholic contingent there as well.  The Frank Lloyd Wright-designed Chapel of the Holy Cross is a Vatican mountain stronghold, for example.  This struck saint as odd until FireSkunk pointed out the subtle similarities between New Agers and Catholics.  “New Agers believe a crystal will keep them healthy, Catholics believe a Saint Christopher medallion will keep their car from crashing.”  Good call.

Perhaps it was with this subtle irony that the postcard of The Church of the Holy Cross had this week’s sermon on it.

Pauline Proof of Conspiracy



Paul’s Epistle to the Romans has often been called the Apostle’s most carefully constructed (and confusing) statement of his beliefs, and perhaps one of the most profound (and perplexing) writings found in Christian literature.

It is also as close to a smoking gun that we have that Paul’s strings were pulled by the Brain Police.  The proof of the pudding is the first few verses of Chapter 13:


Let every person be subject to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except from God, and those that exist have been instituted by God.  Therefore he who resists the authorities resists what God has appointed, and those who resist incur judgment.


In other words, every government that exists is in power because God has willed it so.  Paul wrote that around the year 55, and was clearly referring to the Roman Empire.  Paul frequently used his Roman citizenship to bail his butt out of trouble, and was clearly a supporter of the Caesar.  Indeed, he just said that Caesar has the divine blessing of God upon him, and to go against the government is to go against God.

Be meek little sheep and blindly obey, baaa baa ba.

If every government is in power because God wants it so, then we have some serious problems.  For instance, Hitler was in power for 12 years, not only because the German people legally elected him (twice) but apparently because God wanted Hitler in power.  Likewise, God must have wanted Stalin, Cromwell, Robespierre, and Atilla the Hun to be in power.  The Lord must also have wanted Nero in power, persecuting Christians and using them as human torches for his Vatican Garden parties.  Currently God wants a lot of hard-core Islamic phundamentalists in power in the Middle East.  Interestingly, the Koran has a similar sentiment to Paul’s: “Oh Allah!  Owner of sovereignty!  You give sovereignty to whom You will, and You withdraw sovereignty from whom You will.” (3:26)

That last underscores an equally disturbing conclusion: God can apparently change His mind about who should be in power by allowing assassinations, invasions, and coups.

Strictly speaking, the idea that God appoints all governments (including “bad” ones) is not a new idea; the Old Testament prophets consistently viewed the Assyrians and Babylonians as being raised as God’s judgment against a lapsed people to teach them a lesson.  Unfortunately, this simplistic solution raises more questions than it answers.  It would take a doctoral thesis to discuss this properly, and even then the answers still leave an uneasy feeling in one’s stomach.  Then again, all of Paul’s writings have that effect.

Paul’s urging of active, blind obedience to the Overlords is completely consistent with his other teachings on social order: he also believed slaves should be obedient to their masters and wives to their husbands (Colossians 3:18-22, etc.)  His urging cooperation with Rome also fits in with the theory (championed by Baigent et al in The Dead Sea Scrolls Deception) that Paul was a Roman (and possibly Sanhedron) “mole” sent in to diffuse Christianity.  Since Baigent & crew only make sense with a bong hit (really, guys, what IS your fascination with the Forbidden Bloodline of Mystery?!?) we’ll put them aside for the moment and notice the timing of Paul’s plea to obey the authorities.  Paul is urging obedience to Rome about a decade before the Jewish Revolt, and interestingly he directs this towards the population of the city itself.  But of course Paul knew this letter would get read elsewhere, including in the Holy Land itself.

Whether or not Paul knew that the Brain Police secretly ran Rome is open to debate; personally I think he was pretty high in their hierarchy.  His order to obey is worth rereading in full:


13Let every person be subject to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except from God, and the authorities that exist have been established by God. 2Therefore, he who rebels against the authority is rebelling against what God has appointed, and those who do so will bring judgment on themselves. 3For rulers hold no terror for those who do right, but for those who do wrong. Do you want to be free from fear of the one in authority? Then do what is right and he will commend you, 4for he is God’s servant to do you good. But if you do wrong, be afraid, for he does not bear the sword for nothing. He is God’s servant, an agent of wrath to bring punishment on the wrongdoer. 5Therefore, it is necessary to submit to the authorities, not only because of possible punishment but also because of conscience.

Yeah, Paul: flock conscience.



A relatively recent (turn of the century) medical phenomenon, chiropracty is among the more controversial “medicines” today, with as many supporters as critics.  I have noted a high level of dissatisfaction among people who are patients, but even to their own surprise they continue to see these bone benders.  Shaggy made the most interesting observation about his dealings with the spine stretchers: “After I see my ‘practor I feel great for about an hour, and then my body feels worse than it did before, so I have to go back for more.”

This vicious circle is common among many chiropractic victims, and is the type of sentiment common among drug addicts.  Let’s substitute a term: a coke addicts visits his “chiropractor” for a “treatment” and feels better for a day, and then feels worse with the need to go back for more of the “cure.”  Worse, Shaggy’s description reminded me of sham faith healings.  And that got me thinking about the force behind Chiropracty.

Ever wonder at the origin of the term “chiropractor”? “Practor” is the Latin origin of “practitioner,” but what of “chiro”? Although many believe this is a “sanitized” form of Egyptian witchcraft (“Cairopracty”) the truth is far more sinister.

For those who don’t know Greek, the word Christ would be written ΧΡΙΣΤΟΥ.  Chi Rho Iota Sigma Tau Omicron Upsilon.  The first two letters, Chi and Rho, are old symbols of Christianity.  There is an urban legend started by Latin apologist Lactantius that Emperor Constantine the Great had a dream in which God told him to put the Chi Rho monogram on his soldiers’ shields in an upcoming battle; after doing this and winning Constantine converted to Christianity.  While not true, the Chi Rho symbol (called a labarum) did appear on Constantine’s coins starting 315, and was a known symbol of Christianity.  The Greek and Russian Orthodox Churches still use it to this day.  And that clenches the conspiracy.

The name should more correctly be “Chirhopractors.”  These “doctors” are actually Roman Catholic secret agents.  Think about it: their techniques are straight out of the Spanish Inquisition.  They perform a minor “faith healing” on you, but very quickly you need to come back for more.  This allows them to keep secret tabs on you, but then again the ultimate goal of Chirhopracty is very Roman Catholic.

Chirhopractors believe that there is a uniform bone structure that all bodies should fit into, and they purposefully bend your body out of its natural shape to force you to conform to their ideals.

Sounds like a control conspiracy to me.

Sports Highlights

With the Blue Light being banished, The Game of filter-flicking smokes from the Blue Light Balcony to the bucket beneath saint’s window has officially ended.  Bucket contents:

134 cigarette butts
6 lime slices
4 mystery chunks (what IS your fascination with the Forbidden Chunk of Mystery?!?)
2 leaves
2 beer cans
1 beer bottle
1 penny
1 cigarette foil
1 Gatorade bottle
1 C-3PO Pez dispenser

in other sports news:

Topeka Sheep 8, Las Vegas Lounge Lizards 3
Miskatonic Cephalopods 2, Lynchburg Bigots 0
St. Paul Girls vs. Minnesota Minks (canceled due to frostbite attrition)
Washington Red Tape 18, Provincetown Flounders 11
San Francisco Fudge Packers 3, Folsum Chain Gang 2 (OT)

Player of the Week: Kobiashi (baby!)

Ask Evil Matt

The late but still great Evil Matt clarifies your confusion.  As channeled by Sister Ob’dewlla ‘X’.

Q:  Is it a conflict of interest to be a Branch Floridian but also a member of another World Domination group, such as the Mormons or the Masons or the Democrats?

A: Since our goal is to get you to Think For Yourself(!), the only time you have a conflict of interest is when you have a multiple personality disorder.  Unfortunately, our doctrine of self-thought is by definition at odds with those “World Domination groups” which have dogmas and require blind obedience.  If you wish to be a Roman Catholic because you have studied, prayed, and THOUGHT about it and then concluded that they are correct, then we have no problem. (They might, of course.)  But if you are Roman Catholic because your daddy said 200 Popes just can’t be wrong, then you’re missing the point.

Know anything about yellow lighters being bad juju?

A: This seems to be a myth particular to Ranch Peninsulars of Michigan and Minnesota. Several second-hand tales exist of bad run-ins with the Law and even a traffic fatality, after all of which a yellow lighter was discovered on the scene.  The only direct testimony comes from Peninsular lackey Pears, who said a camping party was raided by cops; after barely escaping arrest he found he had a yellow lighter on him.  I am still researching this; if anyone has any information on the subject, please contact me.

  What's the ugliest part of your body?

A: Some say your nose, some say your toes, but I think it’s your mind.

Q:  Word around the water cooler is that our company's going to start drug testing pee.  I find that to be a degrading invasion of privacy and don’t wish to participate.  Having a smack habit also figures in.  Any advice?

A: I know your company, and the rumors are true.  Lucky for you your company’s cheap, so this is a “byop” party.  Do this: go out and buy a couple big bottles of apple juice and a gallon or three of ammonia.  Mix them together in some huge buckets, and walk in to the test with one in each hand.  Make sure to slosh it all over the place, and then slam the buckets down on the desk (ideally drenching the desk flunky.)  Then tell them you’ve got a couple more pails out in your car, and that you’ll be right in with them.  Finally, walk (don’t run) to the nearest exit, and get out of the country for at least a week.

Q:  hey, does your mirror work?  the one in my bathroom seems to be broken. it's intact and not cracked, but i don't reflect in it.  i can see my clothes, glasses, earring, and fillings, but the rest of me isn't there.  i don't have this problem with any other mirrors--just the one in my bathroom, and other people appear fine in it.  this is bothering me. please advise.

A: Sounds like your mirror’s memory buffer is full.  If you have the standard glass-on-silver mirror (or “leak” as Kilgore Trout calls them) you can purge the buffer with this simple procedure:

  1. Turn off your mirror. (power switch is in the back and to the left.)
  2. Hold down the green “reset” button and turn the mirror back on.
  3. When the power light starts flashing red, let go of the button.
  4. You will see some technical info flash on the mirror, and then it will say “now in dump mode”.
  5. Press “reset” again and it will say “out of dump mode.”
  6. Press “reset” once more; your mirror should go blank for a second, and then come back on working fine.

Depending on how old your mirror is (and how many people it has reflected) you may need to do this a few times.  If this does not solve the problem, get a new mirror.

  My Bee won't stop buzzing!!!

A: A bee’s buzz is caused by its flapping its wings 250 times a second.  Put some wax on their back, or brush out the wings with a honeycomb.  This should slow your bee’s speed down enough to still fly, but much more quietly.

Got a question?  Ask Evil Matt!  Just dust off your Ouija Board, call the Psychic Friends Network (collect!), or just email him at .


The King was a conspiracy and cover-up in himself, but his “posthumous” appearances are of interest, if only as a comparison to the “Christ craze.”  Here’s the latest...

· Short order cook at a Stuckey’s on I-95 in North Carolina (the special was peanut butter and banana nut logs)

· Cashier in a pet store in Montpelier, Vermont that had entirely too many hound dogs

· Getting into a limo behind a Jenny Craig in Clearwater, Florida

· On a tortilla in Rocky Point, Mexico

· Crop circle in Pudding-on-Thames, England

Seen The King? .

and finally,

The Hedgehog Corner

By Harriet the Hedgehog

Unfortunately, the day before this issue’s deadline, Harriet ate the worm from a tequila bottle, and the subsequent bender has given her a hedgehog-sized hangover.

Honestly, what IS her fascination with the Forbidden Worm of Mystery?!?

Anyway, I’m sure we all wish her a speedy recovery, and look forward to her next contribution.



So that’s all for now, and remember:

Trust No One
Deny Everything
& Always Keep Your Lighter Handy!

© 1999 (III,iv)