World Domination Update
“hijacking the misinformation merry-go-round”
vol III, iss v

“The voice of one crying in the wilderness”
                                            —Matthew 3:3

secret word of the day: sweet
cheese of the week: pumpaloaf (it’s a little bit cheesy, but it’s nicely displayed)
site of the week:
now playing: Frank Zappa, Sheik Yerboutie

    in this issue:

· Archives ‘R’ Us
· Martyred for Ministry
· An April Fool’s Easter Egg
· Hell Boyles Over
· Fun with a Potato
· Ask Evil Matt
· Biker Hogs

    Hi, kids!


The response to the new Branch Floridian website has been pretty sweet, with the only complaints (other than my own) being “my bee won’t stop buzzing!”  Thank you all for all your support.

I’ve looked at it in several different formats, with the following results:

· Internut Exploder — closest to the ideal
· Nutscrape Navigrator — looks fair
· Nutscrape MisCommunicator — loses some of the cool stuff (like pop-ups)
· Macintrash — just plain looks nasty

A pox on the Brain Police and their hoarding wysiwyg techcnology!  Then again, I’m tempted to work with this and embed some coding that will work on some other browsers, too.

The newest addition to the site is now up and active: an archive for the World Domination Updates.  Format has long been a problem for these, with all the fonts and finesse being lost in ascii conversion for general (non-AOL) dissemination.  An on-line archive solves the problem: now you can read this issue (plus back editions) the way they were meant to be read, or at least closer to the ideal.  Effectively there will be two updates now: the one I send out and the html copy I’ll post on the web page(like you are reading now.)  Each will have things that the other does not, but it’d probably be better to check out the site.

I’m also pleased to announce our newest pledges, Harts’o’Fire (nominated courtesy RawBurn) and Colonel Sparky Fluffynuts.  Sparky earned his place with a spontaneous yet powerful testimony to barbeque sauce which I wish I had transcribed. Sweet, and straight from the heart.  The “Fluffynuts” ref has to do with his unique--if tragically off target—take on saint’s infamous “spot Washington’s weenie on a one dollar bill” gag.

If you’ve missed this gem, check it out:

can you see Washington’s willie?

Another Ministry Martyr

For those who don’t know, Ministry is a band out of Chicago with over a ten year pedigree.  Very fast and repetitive; sounds like heavy industrial machinery with a trance-out factor of 8.  Pretty sweet, if that’s your cup of tea, and excellent to dance to, if you have the energy to keep up.  Lots of subtlety and strangeness in the background.  Lyrics distorted through a whole rack of effects, but when decipherable produce such nugs as:

I’m gonna rip of her head!
I’m gonna shit down her neck!
And I’m gonna laugh like a motherfucker!

saint once showed a Ministry movie to DK and his RP recruit, Pears.  Half way through Pears was so pumped that he exclaimed “any more of this and I’m gonna phuqin’n kill somebody!” and left in a rage.  Not for everybody, but for the right people it’s all that and more.

Anyway, Al Jourgensen is to Ministry what Frank Zappa was to the Mothers.  Al’s the man with the infamous cowboy hat that inspired saint to get the one you have all come to love or loathe.

Well, Ministry was in Phoenix last month, and why saint didn’t wear his hat to the show is a mystery.  Would’a been sweet.

Evil Matt said he saw Ministry back in ’90 on the ‘Mind is a terrible thing to taste’ tour; Jello Biafra came out and did the pledge of allegianceEvil Matt was impressed: there was a big mosh pit up front, and to keep it at bay the band had put up at the front of the stage, not chicken wire but actual goddamn stockyard fence.

Too bad they didn’t have this set-up at the Celebrity Theatre in Phoenix.

saint went with his friend Marilewanna, who is a hardcore Ministry-ite. 

For those of you who don’t know Marilewanna, let me explain: she’s a big girl, all toughness and ‘tude.  I know this woman: she could kick saint’s ass in a flash.  She was in the Army, for chris’sake, and her favorite band is Korn.  Now you have a picture? Good.

If you want to hear the sordid tragedy in her own words, click here.  Otherwise, the short & dirty is that she jumped up on stage to hug Al, got hauled off by security, got feisty with them, and then got arrested.  When cops threw her to the concrete to cuff her, they broke one of her arms.  SHe ended up getting carted off to the hospital.

saint didn't know any of this, of course.  He said he hung around in the parking lot for about five cigarettes, and when she failed to turn up figured she was either BBP (busted by police) or BBB (backstage blowing the band).

I’ve discussed this with saint, and we both agree that this was really a Brain Police “hit”; sort of terror and intimidation tactics aimed indirectly at saint, or at least potential recruits.  Marilewanna is now our second martyr.

Good show, though.

    In other news,,,

Waco: What, Another Cover Operation?

Last issue we announced the use of FBI flammable explosives at Waco, and not surprisingly just after that the FBI was forced to ’fess up that ‘oh yeah, maybe we did fire a few.’  Researcher Michael McNulty, who discovered proof of the incendiaries, also claims to have evidence that FBI marksmen sniped at survivors fleeing the flames of Mount Carmel.  That’s a bold statement to make, and I eagerly await what his evidence to back that up, as does the Danforth Inquiry.  It’s been well-established that Delta Force was present from the beginning (even assisting as “training advisors” for the ATF—before the original raid!)  Now we’re starting to find out just how ‘hands-on’ they were through the whole thing, and especially at the end.

But you already knew that, didn’t you…  Details as they arise, but since it’s a government inquiry don’t expect to learn The Truth, let alone anything important.


Updating the air bag control conspiracy (III, iii), we have reason to believe that in a Nissan Sentra the air bag gas is “aqua-net” and the recorded message is “Fran Drescher is funny”.  Our basis for this is observation of Heathen (who will never make it in the bucket—EVER.)


In regard to our Chiropractor conspiracy (III, iv) several of you fluent in Greek have pointed out that “Chiro” is Greek for ‘hand’, which would make a Chiropractor a ‘Practitioner of the Hand’.  This fits with the old breed of Chiropracty which does all spinal adjustments by hand, as opposed to the new school that uses that weird Spanish Inquisition-like roller contraption.  “Hand Practitioner” makes sense, and meshes with my faith healing theory of ‘laying on hands.’

One of the above-mentioned Greek-speaking nit-pickers is himself a chiroaddict, going once a week ever since a bad bike accident back in February.  He also called foul for me on incorrectly diagnosing Chiropractic theory.  I had believed that Chiropractors were interested in a uniform bone structure, but my “inside source” says it is all about the nervous system.  All adjustments to the spine and joints are made with this specifically in mind.  My “source” also sent me a .gif of a dictionary definition which essentially said the same thing.  If true, I stand corrected on Chirhopractic motif, though I still say there are different “schools” and even my “source” agrees with my basic premise: chirhopracty is bullshit.

Microsoft’s April Fool’s Phuq-up

Not as bad as Y2K but clearly clocking in a sweet 5 on nuisance scale, a new software bug has been confirmed by Microsoft.

The culprit is the coding of runtime library file MSVCRT.DLL, which is a file that checks the internal system clock for daylight savings adjustments.  Some DOS Nazi Programmer at Microsoft accidentally put a “greater than” symbol into one of the formula lines, instead of “greater than or equal”.  This throws the algorithm off by not allowing it to recognize Daylight Savings Time if it falls on a Sunday.  Testing (both independently and by Microsoft) has already found what will happen: all computers using the file will not adjust for daylight savings time and be one hour slow for one week, until the next Sunday rolls around and the algorithm value will be high enough to push the clocks forward to the “correct” time.

The next Sunday Daylight Savings will be April 1st, 2001.  Because of this, the glitch is known as the April Fool’s Bug.

A1B, as I call it, will hit every computer with a current copy of MSVCRT.DLL on it. The bug is in Windows 95, 98, 2000, and NT 4.  Unfortunately, many programs that utilize timekeeping also have independent copies of the .DLL in their own folders.  A1B discoverer Richard Smith said he found ten copies of it on his pc, all of them corrupted.  Worse, some programs use it, some don’t, so if you try to adjust for the hour yourself to compensate, you’ll throw off other programs that were not originally affected.  You lose either way.

Microsoft claims to be working on a patch to get the ‘greater than or equal’ into the code, but of course this is just a Trojan Horse for them to sneak in other stuff onto your hard drive.

Hopefully by April Fool’s 2001 we’ll all be out at the compound in BadAss, Arizona.  ’Zona don’t go for that Daylight Savings Game, which means we won’t need the Microsoft Patch.

You know, a Microsoft Patch sounds like something MAC or UNIX newbies would use to help wean themselves of Windows.

The Thermodynamics of Hell

Disclaimer: this was forwarded to me as a Blind Carbon Copy, and I have been unable to discover the original author.  I cannot, therefore, verify it’s claim of being a “true story”.  Then again, read it and I think you’ll agree that it doesn’t matter.

True story:

A thermodynamics professor had written a take-home exam for his graduate students.  It had one question.

Is hell exothermic or endothermic?  Support your answer with a proof.

For non-science majors, "exothermic" is when something releases heat and "endothermic" is when something generates heat.

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant.  One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we postulate that if souls exist, they must have some mass.  If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass.  So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving?  I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave.  Therefore, no souls are leaving.  As for souls entering hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell.  Since there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to hell.  With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell.  Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant.

#1 So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose.

#2 Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.

So which is it? I f we accept the postulate given me by Jennifer Smith during my Freshman year, and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and hell is exothermic.

The student got an A.

Secrets of The Universe


Last time, we learned how to make plutonium out of common household objetcs.  This week it’s how to kill someone with a potato.

You will need:

· a pvc pipe, about 3 feet long and 2 inches in diameter
· a threaded pvc elbow joint
· a small, compatibly-threaded piece of pvc pipe
· a gas grill spark/starter
· a solid stick (ramrod)
· a can of aerosol
· a potato (small ones like Russets work best)

The pipe is your barrel; on one end glue the elbow.  Glue the grill starter to one end of the small piece pipe with compatible thread.  The button is your trigger, so you want the sparker unit to be on the inside, and the button to be on the outside.  The piece should screw onto the elbow, making a cap.

Load a potato into one end and ram it down to near the other end.  The potato should fill the tube.

Unscrew the sparker and fill the elbow with as much aerosol as you can.  Try to keep it from escaping (this is tricky) but remember that gas is very compactable and you can get a lot in there. A quarter to half the can should work.  Quickly screw the sparker back into the elbow, trapping the aerosol between it and the potato.

I cannot emphasize enough that you need to make sure you are air-tight on both ends.  If not, you’re taking your fate into what’ll be left of your hands.

Take aim and press the button. The spark will ignite the aerosol, which will force the potato out the open end.

This really works!

The potato will go about 100 yards (!) and at point blank would probably be lethal.

Sweet toy, and guaranteed to break the ice at parties.  For amusement purposes only, with the largest amusement in telling a grand jury how you killed someone with a potato.  So use your head, and don’t be that guy.

Ask Evil Matt

    Evil Matt fields your queries; guest channeling by Ursula Majors.

Q:  I just stuck my hand into a pile of goo that a moment ago was my best friend’s face, but I still don’t know what to do.

A: Forget it, Marge, it’s Chinatown.

What’s in Chef Boyarddee meatballs?

A: I bought a can, took it to the analyzer, and had it labbed.

88% cow meat (you really DON’T want to know which parts)
5% miscellaneous animal fat
2% raccoon
1.5% tennis shoe
1% vat residue from the last batch
1% spoo
1% floor sweeping
.5% trace elements:
2 sunflower seeds
2 hairs from a Shetland pony
1 grasshopper exoskeleton (Cassadius Hopalongus)
ash from a Newport Light
1 drop ranch dressing

My bee won't stop buzzing!

A:  What’s actually buzzing is a crack in your pick guard; the frequency of a b, specifically 7th-fret-on-your-low-e-string, is what sets it off.  Buy a new pick guard; you need one anyway.

Q: What’s a grub: a worm or a larvae?

A:  A grub is generic term for a beetle or beetle-ish larvae. May look like a worm, but it isn’t.

Q:  What is a "liwili" and what is a "inifib"?

A:  There are many types of lies and untruths, and English has different words to discern the type and severity of them: “perjury,” “sophistry”, and “equivocation” are all related but distinct forms of “un-truth.”  Unfortunately, there are more types of “lies” than there are words used to express the concepts. shade has a catalogue of them, of which you quote two:

A “liwili”is a little white lie, of the variety used in good faith that the “truth” behind the liwili is something the other person is better off not knowing.

Example: saying “I’m fine” when you are not.
(Note: a liwili is not to be confused with “lywyly,” which is a lyttle whyte lye told as a friendly boast or brag. Lywylys are as harmless as they are unverifiable.

Example: “I sank the 8 ball on the break, once.”

An “inifib” is an untruth told in good faith, that is, a statement you believe to be true at the time but which is not.  An ‘innocent fib.’

Example: telling someone “I have no money on me” when in fact you have a five dollar bill in your pocket which you have honestly forgotten about.


Got a question? Ask

and finally,,,

The Hedgehog Corner

By Harriet the Hedgehog

Hell’s Hedgehog

Barger the Hedgehog is president of the ‘Berdoo (San Bernardino) chapter of Hells Hedgehogs. Barger is one bad-ass ‘hog, with a chuff like the harley’s around him.  Like all Hell’s Hedgehogs, he “self-anoints” his quills with blue denim backwash and a white winged skull usually coughed up from chewing budweiser-soaked carpet.

Barger is a big fan of The Hedgehog Corner, and eagerly consented to this phone interview.

Operator: This is AT&T, I have a collect call for Harriet from Barger, will you accept the charges?

shade: Huh?

Sisbooomba: (picking up another line) Hello?

Operator: Collect call to Harriet from Barger.

shade: Harriet?

Sisbooomba: I think she’s under the sofa watching Pinkie & The Brain; I’ll get her… (leaves and returns)  Here she is.

Operator: I have a collect call from Barger, do you accept?

Harriet: Chuff

Barger: Hey, babe, what’s up?

Harriet: Barger! When’d you get out?

Barger: Been free for a week, now, and I’m going full-boar to make up for lost time.  I just woke up inside a 30-oz can of Fosters.  I smell like Kangaroo piss.  My mouth tastes like aluminum; I must have chewed the top off to get in.

Harriet: Sounds like you had a crazy night.

Barger: We did. One of the Oakland Otters said we were pigmy porcupines, so when word of that got back to us, we grabbed our hogs and did a run up to their hidey-hole to set ‘em straight.

Harriet: Damn! How’d that go?

Barger: Half of their crew were neck deep in heroin nods, and the rest realized that this wasn’t their bitch anyway, so they turned the offender over.  Barney the Otter.  We worked him over with his own bike chain, and then I told him that if he said it again I‘m gonna rip off his head, shit down his neck, and laugh like a motherfucker.

Harriet: That’s pretty Ministry of you.

Barger: Hey, man, Hell’s Hogs take shit from no one except each other.  So anyway, you wanna come out here and be my old lady?

Harriet: You asked me that at HogCon at Altamonte.

Barger: And you never gave me an answer.

Harriet: You had a rumble with the Waco Warthogs that night too, as I remember.

Barger: Spike, the Hell’s Hogs’ only Brazilian member, had shacked up with this underaged field mouse that one of the Warts had already called dibs on.  They set up a slingshot between this Wart’s tusks, and when Spike was passed out they shot him into the lake.  We didn’t take too kindly to that, so we worked ‘em over, but then worked it out over some beers and band aids, and it’s all good now.  Had a run with them on Valentine’s Day out on Catalina Island, with the Catalina Peccaries hosting.

Harriet: Is it true you have a truce with the ‘Berdoo Badgers?

Barger: Badgers?!? We doan’ neeeed no steeeenkeeeng Badgers!

Harriet: Well, how ‘bout the Beavers?

Barger: (screaming) Beavers! Aw, man, don’t even get me started on beavers!

Harriet: You know that beavers are a real problem down in South America? They’re breeding like bunnies, and are going to overrun Argentina any day now.

Barger: yeah, I saw that on CNN.

Harriet: you watch CNN?

Barger: channel surfing between commercials.  I was watching a History Channel presentation on Roman castles in England. Saw my great grandmother’s homeland; I got ancestry in those hedgerows and hills.  Anyway, I saw the Beaver thing on CNN, and I know it’s true cuz suddenly there are a lot of Spanish-speaking beavers up ‘round ‘Berdoo.  It’s bullshit, baby; they’re plotting something!

Harriet: Do you think the Beavers are in with the Brain Police?

Barger: Well, there’s the thi..".

Phone call abruptly ends and goes to a dial tone.

Friends, fans, and admirers of Harriet can reach her at .

Anyway, that’s all for now.

Trust no one
Deny everything
and ALWAYS keep your lighter handy

© 1999 (III,v)