World Domination Update
Critical Mass in b minor
vol. VII, iss. v

“The voice of one crying in the wilderness”
                                            —Matthew 3:3


Quote of the Moment:  So, Mr. Escher, what direction do you see your art going in? — TaoTeJay
Secret Word of the Day:  Swill Cheese!
Site of the Week: Am I Annoying?  [be sure to vote for Ayn Rand]
Barbecue Sauce of the Month:  Cactus Jacks Aztec Sacrifice Sauce

In this issue:

·  2003 Obtusity Awards 
·  More Funny Money
·  A Decade After the Death of Music
   Reader Feedback: 
   ·  25 Years of Pope Polak
   ·  Proof of the Jewish Conspiracy?
   ·  The Governator
   ·  Book of Job
·  The latest on the Fast Food Shit List 
·  Ask Evil Matt
·  Hedgehogs of War


Hi, Kids!

I love it when this happens: an Update writes itself based on reader feedback!  Not only does that mean that people are actually reading this shit, but that it’s actually thought-provoking enough to prompt a response from y’all!  That burning smell around the compound is no longer kerosene and CS gas, or even saint’s barbecue grill, but brain cells actually thinking for themselves!  Hopefully this trend will continue.

While it’s nice to see that we’re reaching the core audience of Branch Floridians and even a few on the fringe, sadly the rest of the population still seems mired in a marsh of having their thoughts on Brain Police autopilot.  A recent CNN/USA Today Gallup Poll found that 31% of Americans under 30 don’t follow politics at all (compared to only 11% over 30) and even among those who do claim to keep up, the level of ignorance is startlingly high and they are woefully misinformed on most issues.  As Crossfire co-host Paul Begala commented, “If ignorance is bliss, then young voters are the happiest folks in America.  One of the things that comes out of the CNN poll here is that they are three times less likely than their older peers to be plugged into issues and ideas.  They are our future, and they are hopelessly ill-informed.”

So it seems that the Brain Police Britney Spears Complacency Campaign is working as They planned.

Of course, with that as the pattern, plus it being the end of the year, that can only mean that it’s time for...


The 2003 Obtusity Awards


It’s been another banner year for brazen, in-your-face inanity,,,  so much to choose from it’s hard to know where to get started!  Still, one must thresh through the half-assed chaff and find the wheat of these ignoble individuals championing ignorance, those who have not only raised the bar but made a gallows pole out of it from which to hang themselves by their own words and/or deeds. 

Sadly, winners from the 2002 Obtusity Awards are automatically exempt from consideration for this year’s go-round.  After all, Dubya was otherwise a shoe-in for first place!   However, he can’t very well be a shoe-in when said shoe is still on his foot, and that foot is always in his mouth.  Curiously, the other two previous recipients have been laying low—and I say ‘curious’ as such thick-headedness almost always goes out of its way to make its presence continuously felt.  However, Rich has been laying low from The Vine—an absence that is gladly accepted by the other suffering patrons—and the only thing I have heard about Ken Dill has been a second-hand report from the Ignition Missionary about Mr. Pickle’s inability at billiards. 

Obviously, we should be thankful that these two are keeping a low profile, though some of us suspect they are simply stealthing under the radar, hoping their presence and pretension has passed into memory, and then WHAM! Pearl Harbor us from out of nowhere with a monumental mound of obtuse manure.

In the meantime, the vacuum of vast obtusity has been filled by others, who I think all will admit give last year’s champions a run for their money.

Third Place: Rob

Mister “I’m with the I.R.S. and I’ll fuckin’ audit ya if ya don’t say ‘GO JETS’! ” made an impressive start for the 2003 Obtusity Season, setting a standard from which others had to muster up to.  Empirical proof that not only sports are a dangerous distraction but vodka and politics are a bad brew.  (But we already knew that: look at the Soviet Union...)  Admittedly, though, I’m gonna cut ol’ boy some slack here.  Two days after the infamous incident, I ran into his wife at The Hound, who had heard second-hand about the encounter and apologized profusely.  More to the point, though, Rob himself approached me a week after demonstrating his superiority in irrelevant football trivia yet lack of a grasp of basic political facts by ’fessing up that he had been a drunken dingus and actually saying he was sorry.  Takes a big man to do that, so while it may shrive his shame, it doesn’t negate the ocean of obtusity he sailed in during that brief, bleak exchange of IRS threats and monumental moronity...

Second Place: Stifler

saint says he still has a bad taste in his mouth from this pathetic attempt of a conversation-turned-Devil’s Advocate diatribe.  I actually ran into Stiffie on the smoking patio at The Vine about a month ago; he remembered me and asked how the website was coming along.  I said fine, and asked him how his plan to put Circle K and 7-11 out of business was progressing.  Just a lame grin for a reply, and then he excused himself to go torment some unsuspecting patron.  You will recall Stifler summed himself up with the epitaph, “So, did I win?”  Sorry, sucker; you only came in second place for Obtusity; I met the Grand Master about a month after you infected your presence onto us...:

First Place: Chris PpAaPpAaSsAaDdEeRrOo


If the Brain Police ran a eugenics program, then Chris Papasadist would undoubtedly be the bastard love-child of Ken Dill and Stifler.  Whether or not PapaPlagerii actually ripped me off for his mysteriously still-missing piece written “_under_ Dr. Milliken,” his behavior after the fact belied a bone-headed reprehensibility and revisionist shift that boggles the brainpan.  Rumor is a platoon of proctologists are already writing Ph.D theses on what an massive asshole he is.

But of course, why just take my word for it...


Reader Feedback


Hey!..That makes an excellent read - well done...

The guy is still hanging around the community, but this, amougst other, dreadful behaviors have made him a soemwhat of a pariah; whether that will prove to have any effect on him I don't know...

I was wondering whether I should direct you to it's unveiling; came as a surpise to me as well, as I only passed the link onto one person so not quite sure how antiuser got hold of it...I am glad he did post it though ( Have you seen the complete thread "can fwis lie?"? - - 521 posts and rising last time I checked..) . . (fwis is paps old username on YH btw..)..

Paps has rubbed many people the wrong way on YH during his time there; the venom expressed in the thread has been brewing for quite some time...

all the best,

John (Jand) 



The PpAaPpAaSsAaDdEeRrOo Peshar


Hahahahaha [still laughing] hahahaha!

Jand wasn’t joking when he commented on how unpopular Papaspackle was on the YayHooray chat board!  The above-linked thread has since mysteriously disappeared, but back at that time was the number one discussion post for the first 24 hours of its inception!  ’Sadero-bashing seems to be a popular passtime, and one that his own actions brought upon himself; the thread quickly turned into what one commenter on it called "...a YH! gangbang grudge-fuck -- lubricant-free style and i can smell the excretions through both of my IBM 9495 - flat panel displays."

It was pretty messy, and damned amusing to read from the sidelines.  Papa had one of his minions, shamefully named Oswald, do most of his defending for him, but ultimately he did enter the fray and weigh in with this half-assed comment:


...the fact that a bunch of haters found some guy's angelfire site which obviously serves no purpose other than to stroke his own boner...


Obviously Papa forgot to mention the other purpose of this site: it apparently serves as a repository of theological information for him to liberally lift from while writing papers _under_ other professors...

His final weigh-in was equally telling about himself:


I guess the real issue is - why should I even bother to defend myself against people so blatantly out to get me? Just because a bunch of designer geeks can't comprehend that instead of wasting time boozing and fucking, I spend my life aquiring massive amounts of information... doesn't mean I should a) Grace them with that knowledge or b) defending that knowledge at every turn.


Read between the lines: he doesn’t spend his time “boozing and fucking” because he is too young to buy beer and he can’t get a date.  You will remember that he is 20 and still lives with his parents.  Maybe he will eventually start channeling some of the effort he puts into "aquiring [sic] massive amounts of information" into acquiring basic social skills.  We’ll see in two years, when he will again be eligible for another Obtuse Award.

Maybe in the meantime he’ll move out of mommy’s basement and get a job at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.


BY THE WAY, in June 2005, CP and I reached peace on the issue [hence the revised SsPpEeLlLlIiNnGg of his name]


 ...meanwhile, in other news...


More funny money???


You will recall last time the exposé on the Brain Police’s latest invasion of our common sense: the $200 Bush bill.  Since that was successfully passed at both a Food Lion and a Dairy Queen, and with the $2001 bill also in circulation, the Brain Police have pulled out all stops and are now handing out their latest endeavor: the $911 bill:


Bush $911 bill (front)
Bush $911 bill (back)


This time, however, we see a subtle change in tact.  The above bill (which admittedly is a work of art, especially if you see the full-sized copy rather than the shrunken one I .gif-lifted from is full of websites that on the surface are unabashedly anti-Bush, so ostensibly this would seem to be something put out by “the opposition” as a wake-up call to the American people that all is not well in the White House.

But wait!  I took the time to actually read a few of the sites, and they were full of rehashed conspiracy theories that even Oliver Stone wouldn’t endorse.

In other words, this is yet another Brain Police campaign to undermine the real Anti-Bush brigades out there by offering up unpalatable alternatives.  They’ve been doing this for decades, of course; Orwell had the right idea in 1984 with Big Brother secretly controlling the Underground Opposition.  Here is confirmation that the Brain Police are doing this in modern America: by putting out a bunch of false leads as ‘champions’ of the conspiracy front, they turn the “average” person away from such line of thought by giving two equally unpleasant alternatives that no one can seriously believe.  The only choices the Brain Police present are the ‘real’ Dubya versus some obviously crackpot conspiracy theories about him.  It’s a no-win situation, with the side-effect of seriously undermining real conspiracy research debunking Dubya.  People see the B.P.-controlled conspiracies, realize them for the swillcheese they are, and automatically discount any legitimate works by association.

It’s a fiendish plot, and sadly, it’s working.


10 Years After the Music Died...


Frank Zappa died ten years ago this month (December 4th, of prostate cancer.)  Because of this ignoble fact, I refer to 1993 as ‘the Year Music Died.’

Frank Zappa

I was still coping with Freddy Mercury’s death two years previously, but Frank’s passing hit me extremely hard, because I’d already noticed the developing pattern: modern music sucked.  And damned little that has come out after ’93 has convinced me otherwise.

Frank helped fill the musical vacuum that I’d been experiencing since 1986, which would be the other candidate I’d toss on the table for the date music died.  That year, Slayer put out Reign in Blood, forever raising the bar on heavy metal.  That same year, heavy metal polarized, largely because of that album: half the bands went death metal and tried to be Slayer, the other half went for the opposite end of the spectrum and landed in the hair spray glam camp.  Neither alternative was satisfying.  That was when I met Evil Matt, who was still among the living and was languishing in the Death Metal clique out of desperation—it was, ironically, the lesser of two evils versus the hair band camp.  It may have worked for him, but not for me.

Then Geneius played me Joe’s Garage, and I knew I had found a home.

I don’t know about you, but even if I like a band or a song, I get tired of it after a while.  “Stairway to Heaven” may be a great song, but after the ten-thousandth time hearing it, it gets staler than a week-old loaf of bread.  If you’re like me, then whole albums fall into that category: Back in Black, Paranoid, Dark Side of the Moon...  great stuff, don’t get me wrong, but after 25 years I’m sick of ’em.  Worse, groups like AC/DC or Black Sabbath pretty much stick to the same formula, with most of their songs being variants of each other.  This only increases the burnout factor.  Fortunately, this is also one of the prime reasons why Zappa is head, shoulders, and torso over all the others: diversity.

Frank put out about 75 albums during his lifetime, and Gail has been posthumously pumping stuff out of the archive in the decade since then.  These span genres as varied as you can get: Cruising with Ruben and the Jets is doo-wop, London Symphony Orchestra (Vol. I & II) are classical, Thing Fish is a parody of a Broadway musical...  These albums sound nothing alike, but are all great stuff.  Hell, Zappa is the only person to win Grammies for completely different categories: Jazz From Hell got Best Rock Instrumental, and The Yellow Shark got Best Classical.  [His Past Masters compilation of the first half-dozen Mothers albums also got the Grammy for Best Boxed Set.]

Aside from obvious compositional talents, it must also be remembered that the man had a brain and social conscience.  Frank was one of the ones who took the stand in Congress against record labeling, and amusingly Tennessee Senator Al Gore had this to say about (and to) him during the proceedings:


I found your statements very interesting, and let me say although I disagree with some of the statements that you make and have made on other occasions, I have been a fan of your music, believe it or not, and I, respect you as a true original and immensely talented musician. 


Although many people, such as Sisbooomba and JaySon have difficulty with Zappa’s lyrics, they seem to be missing the same point that most self-professed made by mistakenly categorizing it as juvenile comedy music.  His songs are social commentary about his biggest pet peeve: stupidity.  Granted, Frank’s two favorite subjects were poodles and blow jobs, but look at them like this: poodles are dumb-looking dogs, and the male mindset that obsesses about getting the Big BJ to the exclusion of all else is one of the dumbest things there is.


Some scientists claim that hydrogen, because it is so plentiful, is the basic building block of the universe. I dispute that. I say there is more stupidity than hydrogen, and that is the basic building block of the universe.

—Frank Zappa


Zappa was also a big advocate against conformity, and is generally credited with coining the term “Plastic People” to describe the cookie cutter society robots roaming the streets.  

It’s no accident that I adopted his anti-conformity anthem “Who Are the Brain Police?” to be the metaphor for the big boogeyman of Branch Floridian mythology.

Zappa was also perceptive enough to realize that the Hippie movement was by and large bullshit: “Free Love” was really just an excuse for “Free Sex,” and the “Turn on, Tune in, Drop out” mentality was just an elaborate excuse to shirk responsibility.  It is amazing that at the height of “The Summer of Love” (1967) Zappa put out an album called We’re Only In It For The Money that effectively blows a big raspberry at the blooming hippie movement, calling shenanigans on the whole thing for the bullshit that 99% of it was.

Do we see social commentary like that any more?  Very rarely, and never on any radio station which makes its money pushing the conform and consume mentality of music on the current generation.

Zappa’s passing has left a gap in the musical and cultural milieu, made all the more painful by the fact that most people do not know who he even was!  But for those of us in the know, we grok what we lost ten years ago, especially when we compare with the current selection of structured noise choking the airwaves.

Ironically, in that aspect Zappa wrote his own epitaph in a song lamenting the loss of Jimi, Janis, and Jim M called “Turning Again”:


If you listen to the radio, and what they play today, you can tell right away: all those assholes really need you!



    Reader Feedback


Did you see today's NY Times??

Big front page article on Pope's decline and Vatican inner circle jockeying.



    shade’s peshar


I actually missed the article, but with the Pope’s Silver Jubilee there were substantially similar articles all over the place.  The “Papal-razzi” have been eyeing John Paul II’s declining health for well over ten years and making predictions on who/what comes next.  Personally, I’m surprised he has lasted as long as he has.  He had long made it clear that he wanted to be the guy who ushered the Catholic Church into the 21st century physically (while moving it back to the 10th century spiritually,) and my guess was that he’d kick the bucket shortly thereafter.    Most people have known he’s had Parkinsons Disease for at least a decade, though it wasn’t until recently that the Catholic Church formally acknowledged this.  Still, he’s hanging in there, and seems determined to stick it out to the bitter end.

Then again, he doesn’t have much choice: once you’re Pope, you hold that post for life.  There is a myth that Popes can resign.  This has actually happened twice that I am aware of, but both cases are highly dubious.  

  • In 657, Pope Martin I was kidnapped by the Byzantines and held prisoner, during which he either issued a letter (or more likely one was issued for him) announcing his “retirement” and turning control over to the Greek Orthodox in Constantinople.  The Roman Church accepted the resignation, rejected the power shift to Byzantium, and promptly elected a successor (Eugene I) while Martin was still alive.  Since Martin I’s “resignation” was either under duress or a flat-out forgery, it doesn’t count, and Eugene I’s ascension to the Throne of Peter was illegal.

  • In 1294, political in-fighting between various Roman noble houses prevented the election of a Pope, so a hermit named Pietro Di Murrone was elected as a stop-gap measure.  Calling himself Celestine V, he was an unabashed disaster.  Finally, Cardinal Benedetto Gaetano told him that if he didn’t want to be Pope, he could resign.  Celestine V promptly did this, and Gaetano immediately stepped in to fill the vacuum, crowning himself Boniface VIII.  This created a schism, with half the people following Celestine V, half following Boniface VIII.  Boniface ended the problem by kidnapping Celestine and smothering him with a pillow. 

So like I said: once you’re Pope, you’re Pope for life.

It is curious to note, by the way, that Karol Wojtyla almost didn’t become Pope.  When Albino Luciani (aka John Paul I) died and the Conclave of Cardinals met to elect his successor, voting was pretty much split between Cardinals Giovanni Benelli and Giuseppi Siri.  Benelli came within 9 votes of the required 75%+1 votes needed to become Pope, but an obvious stalemate had arisen among the Cardinals, and Wojtyla was selected as a compromise to end the deadlock.

Whether there will be another deadlock when John Paul II finally dies is unknown, but at least some generalities about who the next Pope will be can be made.  John Paul II has effectively stacked the deck by appointing all but five of the Cardinals who will vote, so most certainly they will elect someone ultra-conservative.  Second, there is no chance that it will be one of the American Cardinals.  An American Cardinal would be viewed with immediate suspicion, the rest of the world doubtless suspecting that Wall Street had bought the throne, or maybe even the CIA.

Anyway, a few words about the current Pontiff.  I have mixed views about him, but mostly negative.  John Paul II has aggressively rejected the progressive reforms John XXIII tried to bring about with the Vatican II council, and his endorsement of Humana Vitae has helped set the Catholic Church back at least 1,000 years.  

I also find it interesting that every time some journalist starts to make inquiries into Wojtylas activities during World War II, said investigation is shut down faster than Chevy Chases talk show career.  A historical context check on my interest in this: Wojtyla had just entered the Krakow Seminary at the beginning of World War II, and of course World War II was officially started by the Germans blitzkrieging Poland.  In Rome, Pope Pius XII would remain suspiciously quiet on the matter of Hitlers  National Socialism policies, and while he was officially neutral throughout the war, the evidence is pretty compelling that he was a rabid anti-Semite who secretly supported Der Führer until it was blatant which side was going to lose.  [Intrigued readers are referred to numerous books on the subject, including Hitlers Pope, which is the only one to make the NYT Best Sellers List.  Hell, I might have to do an Update piece on this sticky issue...]  Anyway, the official story of Wojtylas activities during German occupation smack of self-serving propaganda.  Id be damned curious to read something unbiased on the subject... 

All that aside, however, I will say in his defense that he was instrumental in bringing about the downfall of Communism.  John Paul II’s secret support of the Polish Solidarity movement was the thin end of the wedge that allowed a lot of chinks in the Communist armor to be subsequently exploited by Reagan.  Although Reagan usually gets credit for “winning” the Cold War, I really don’t think he could have done it without the Pope’s help.  That itself is an impressive achievement, but of course the flip side is that it shows that the Vatican is actively meddling in world politics.

By the way, was I the only one who thought it interesting/suspicious that the American representative at the Pope’s Silver Jubilee was Jeb Bush?


Reader Feedback



Are you sure about there being no Jewish Conspiracy to run the world?


State of Israel S.E.C. form

  Looks pretty suspicious to me!




shade’s peshar


Stealth Shoveler works (well, slacks) at a financial publisher in Phoenix, so the above document is legit.  I even checked and found the filing on the SEC website.

Hmmmmm...  maybe there is more to this than I thought...


Reader Feedback



Did you know that Jesse Ventura has a WEEKLY "town hall" style show on MSNBC? I saw it for the first time yesterday in a sports bar. (5 minute laugh break) All I can say is that if Schwartzenegger has half the good ideas that Jesse has, he's gonna be a great governor! ;) That reminds me... I heard a rumor (and I call it that because I never confirmed it's authenticity myself) that the headline of the LA TIMES the day after Arnold's victory read:


Any knowledge if this is true?

maybe we'll see AAAnold and Clint go head to head!

And don't forget we've already had an actor for president and as I recall, Reagan worked heavily from scripts throughout his entire presidency. Many say that he had some of the best speech writers the White House has ever seen.



    shade’s peshar


I personally have trouble taking Schwarzeneggar seriously.  The one time he participated in a debate with his fellow candidates, he did so on the stipulation that he be provided with the questions before-hand.  Obviously, this allows his advisors to craft his answers for him, and as an actor he is most comfortable working from a script.  Unfortunately, real life doesn’t work that way, and shows his sadly-lacking ability to improvise in difficult situations.

Still, the Rev correctly draws the parallel to Ronald Reagan as an actor-turned-politician.  Polls at the time showed that while many (hell, most) people didn’t approve of the President’s policies, they liked him as a person.  The Reagan administration showed the presidency for the figurehead it is: just get someone popular in office who can smile the right way, be friendly to the camera or constituents, and read the cue cards drawn up for him correctly.

By the way, there is a renewed effort to edit Article II Section I of the Constitution, which says No person except a natural born Citizen, or a Citizen of the United States, at the time of the Adoption of this Constitution, shall be eligible to the Office of President.  Obviously, Schwarzeneggar was born an Austrian Citizen, and removing this legal roadblock would pave the way to the Schwarzeneggar Administration...


Book of Job, part two


Last issue’s exegesis of the Book of Job prompted the most discussion of any Biblical subject thus-far in the annals of the World Domination Update.  Three critiques/commentaries appeared in the in-box, each different in its tangent and take.  Then again, saint prefaced his piece with the disclaimer that it was “the most challenging book of the Bible.”  

Now you know why...

Due to the lengths of each feedback, they have been moved to the Discussion Page.



...meanwhile, from the sublime to the absurd...


The Latest Ranch Infraction


The latest ignominious addition to the Fast Food Shit List: Streets of New York.

So here’s the deal: late one night a bunch of us decided to order out.  I hadn’t eaten in 24 hours, so I was fine with that.  Having an empty stomach, my mind was clouded, and so I made the rookie mistake of saying “any place is fine with me.”

Having been left out of the loop on the location, others decided to opt for Streets of New York.  I’d only eaten there once, and had a mediocre Philly Cheese Steak.  Then again, in retrospect I shouldn’t have expected some New Yorker transplants to have any clue how to do a Philly right, so I decided to cut them some slack and pass ’em a second chance.

I looked the menu over, and settled for the “three-cheese calzone.”   As usual, I had a powerful hankering for some cheese, and that sounded good.

I suspect that the owners of Streets of New York must be some type of Trinitarian Christians, for we had a new definition of “three” when it arrived: there was only one cheese inside the damned thing.

Worse, it was ricotta.

Now, I kind of like ricotta; it’s good in lasagna, but it’s definitely not a staple.  You don’t build an entire dish around it.  And a calzone full of ricotta and nothing else is just wrong.

I guess I should just be thankful that it wasnt full of Swill Cheese...

Still, if the ricotta abomination wasn’t bad enough, a couple of our vegetarian friends got some salads with the order, and specifically asked for ‘house dressing.’

What did they send?  You got it!  


Seven phuqing tubs of it, too.

So let’s review:  no cheese, and too much ranch.

Grounds for the Shit List if ever I heard it.

Indeed, this smacks of Gumby’s Pizza, and I have to wonder if Streets of New York is some satellite store-front operation secretly run by Gumby’s.  So don’t be that guy: skip Streets of New York if you value your cheese.


...and speaking of Gumby’s...


Pokey Butter Part II


Last issue’s Secret Word of the Day, Pokey Butter, was good for a few chuckles around the Compound, but lo-and-behold, Flaming Faggot did some research and found out that the Pokey Butter Conspiracy is older than we thought.  Not only that, but the evidence was right here in the Gumby’s Pizza Sucks Archive!  Glancing at a past piece of reader mail from a disgruntled Gumby’s employee who was secretly sympathetic to our cause (aka the Miami Vice Rant) showed that this hideous shit has been around longer than I thought.  Here’s the appropriate excerpt:


And...and and if you think Ranch is the are over-looking the mother load. Pokey Butter! It's Sorority Girl Crack. Some of us have proposed filling hypodermic needles with Pokey Butter and selling it on the street. you DO NOT get pokey butter on your skin. It will not come off! It's rumored that it was used to get a lug nut off a driver's wheel so he could change a flat tire.


 This may merit some renewed inquiries to find out just what this hideous confection is!



We think we have an answer.




Ask Evil Matt

 The Evil One fields your queries, as channeled by Sister Ob’dewlla ‘X’.

Q: I have been interested in recent years with developing some sort of a "smell recorder".  I find that memories of past events seem to be accompanied by a strong emotional counterpart, and that, for me at least, smell seems to trigger the "emotional" memory more strongly than sight or sound.  Thus far we (humans) have come up with both audio and visual recording devices, but nothing for recording smell.  I guess my question is:  What exactly is a "smell"?  What is it made out of?  Can it be broken down into numbers and therefore be stored digitally or on magnetic tape?    

In my research so far, I have discovered the existence of electronic noses, which are primarily used for detecting dangerous organic vapors and spoiled food, but nothing that is capable of actually storing smell data and enabling it to be played back upon demand.  Which brings me to another question:  Is there any existing technology that allows playback of recorded sensory stimuli (auditory, visual) by utilizing direct connections with the nervous system?  You know, something like, instead of listening to a CD with headphones or a stereo, the output somehow plugs directly into the auditory center of your brain, that sort of thing. 

A:  Its my understanding that smells are airborne molecules that receptors (in our cases, noses) can pick up and decode/translate into something that our brains can recognize.  Since theyve linked sense of smell with sense of taste, Im willing to bet taste and smell molecules have a lot in common, but dont hold me to that. 

As for making a ‘smell recorder’, I’d have to say that in theory the idea would work, but you’d have to let technology catch up with you on itprobably another 100 years or so.  The reason sight and sound recorders work is that they can reproduce things in an output that our ears and eyes can decipher.  Smell would be much more difficult, as it would have to recreate a theoretically infinite possible combinations of different scent molecules.  Even if it knew what the molecular structure of a specific scent was, being able to create that from scratch (assuming such recorder had a vast built-in stockpile of the various atoms that would make up the molecules) would be difficult at best, as manyhell, mostmolecules only form under specific conditions that such recorder would have a hell of a time reproducing.  Like I said, wait a few centuries, and technology will probably be able to do this.  The link to your  electric noses site was down, but I’m willing to bet I know how it works: it takes a sample of air, analyzes the molecules there-in, and keeps the info on file.  If it encounters something similar/identical at a later time, it has it on file and knows what it is.  As you point out, though, that’s a far cry from actually reproducing it on demand.  

Interesting idea, though.

Q:  What was the name of the scientist on Pigs In Space?

A:  Dr. Julius T. Strangepork.  


Q:  What happens when you die?

See?  There's a chance you just might know.  And if I didn't ask I'd never know.

A:  Since I died a fiery death on April 19, 1993, I can actually say what happens when you die.  Apparently you go to a large island that resembles south Florida, minus the mosquitoes and palmetto bugs.  Instead of immigrants and elderly retirees, the island seems to be largely inhabited by nubile teenage vixens who all seem to have just broken up with their boyfriends and want a menage a trios to take their minds off it.  Kind-bud is dirt cheep, and all the stop lights are timed to be green when you arrive at one.  Frank Zappa gives free weekly concerts, and is always looking for a hot heavy metal guitarist to sit in the session.  There are two awesome Chinese restaurants here, one of which specializes in nothing but appetizers (I hear there’s a great little Italian place on the other end of the island, but I haven’t checked it out yet.)  The night life largely focuses around a burlesque club run by Freddy Mercury, and believe me, half the show is in the audience!  I’ve also found a neat little coffee shop out of the way frequented by Orson Welles, Oscar Wilde, and Mark Twain.  So the afterlife is pretty good, all in all.

Oddly, though, this seems to be at odds with what Harriet the Hedgehog has found since her departure from the living.  In her afterlife interview, she described a place full of worms and comfey shredded bedding.

Based on this, I’d have to say then that the Afterlife is what you want it to be.  Very Swedenbourgian.

Q:  Why are they taking away all the teenagers? They drug us, and shoot us, and rape us, then ask why we're violent and hateful. It's called reaction. Three of my friends were LITERALLY sent away to military school, becoming the country's next generation of cannon fodder. One was expelled for hacking, one for counterfiting money, one for stealing computers. And one is spaced out on pain meds(which we share around).

Okay. So that was a rant disgused as a question. Sorry. Well not really, but it's the slight thought that counts.

A:  I think you answered your own question: they are taking away your friends because they are the types of dumb-asses who hack, counterfeit, and steal.  Looking at the broader issue, though, the teenagers are being sent away because parents don’t want to deal with the issue of raising their kids, and it’s easier to let someone else do it for them.  

Q:  Why do guys always come up with names for their dicks?

A:  Simple: they don’t want a complete stranger making all their decisions for them!

Got a question?  .

    And finally,,,

The Hedgehog Corner

By Harriet the Hedgehog


Military Hedgehogs


  "Cry havoc, and let loose the 'hogs of war!"

Julius Caesar, Act III scene i    



Although human beings are currently the baddest boys on the planet, it wasn’t always so.  Yeah, let’s see you take on a T-Rex all by your sorry-ass self!  Even then, homo sapien might comes from exploitation of your opposable thumbs in terms of gripping things, like weapons.  Plus making them.  Gotta admit: you humans do that quite well.

I find it interesting, and am convinced that it is no accident, of the number of weapons humans have made that are called ‘hedgehogs’:

  • The Romans had a military formation known as ‘the hedgehog’ that was a spiked variant of one called ‘the turtle.’  A turtle formation is a platoon of troops in a square, with them holding shields up on all sides.  Soldiers in the middle would hold shields over the top, effectively making a shell on all sides impervious to arrows and foot soldiers.  of course, send a cavalry charge into it, and the horses’ weight would collapse it, so a ‘hedgehog’ formation is a variant with spears protruding out to impale the horse.

  • an anti-tank obstacle of some steel cross-beams welded together in an x shape; mines were frequently attached at the top.  Put several of these together, and the x’s give the impression of hedgehog quills, hence the name.

  • Anti-submarine weapon used in the ’60s, consisting of a cluster of pointy depth charges fired in together for pattern dispersal.

Not bad, but of course the fact that such things are named after us ’hogs is merely tribute to our superiority.  After all, we have built-in weapons, which we even anoint to make them even more formidable.

Needless to say, if we ’hogs weren’t such cool critters, y’all’d be under our yoke in no time flat.  Even before you humans roamed the earth but were still swinging from trees, we ruled the planes and the shrubs with our invincible insectivore legions!  One of our greatest generals was a hedgehog named Chuff Tzu, who wrote the definitive tome on strategy that some lame Chinese guy later ripped off word for word.  (I think he had a chicken dish named after him too.)

Still, with the Brain Police on the rampage, we have found it necessary to reorganize, and once again the Army of Hedgehogs has been mobilized.

So back off, man, and beware: don’t phuq with us, or we’ll chuff you up!

Kent Brockman and Hedgehog Domination

And I, for one, welcome our new hedgehog overlords!





    That’s it for now, folks; and yall know the drill:


      Trust no one

      Deny Everything

      and Always keep your lighter handy!



© 2003 (VII,vi)

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