World Domination Update
“Bursting the Beelzebubble”
vol. V, iss. ii

“The voice of one crying in the wilderness”
                                            —Matthew 3:3

Secret Word of the Day:  Root Greevil  
Site of the Week: Virtual Voodoo
Barbecue Sauce of the Week:  Cactus Jack’s Psycho Fire (banned by the Geneva Convention, it
s that hot)
Now Playing:  Paul Simon, Graceland

In this issue:

·   shade’s m.i.a. status
·   I came, I saw, I combusted
·   Greenspan Thermodynamics
·   Illegal Specie
·   Seeds of Subscription
·   Ask Evil Matt
·   Hollywood Hedgehogs

            Hi, Kids!

Hopefully I don’t have to help you remember today’s import: Flame Day in Waco (eight painful years now) as well as our  fourth Foundation Flame Anniversary in Florida.  So go singe some stubble with your ever-present lighter in both pain and pride.  Or give your loved one a rug burn.  

Turning our attention to less festive, more pressing matters,,,


still no site of shade...

(how long is it?)

The answer to this rather personal question is 51 days, with our man in black being m.i.a. for nearly two months now.  That itself raises more uncomfortable questions, especially “just what the phuq happened to him?” and “who’ll be my role model now that my role model is gone?”

There have been several unconfirmed shade spottings around Arizona, ranging from probable to preposterous.  Here’s a random sampling...

On St. Patrick’s Day, shade-sightings went into overdrive.  Although shade’s mostly Welsh, there’s some Irish there; allegedly, ‘Farrell’ is Gælic for ‘shade’.  Most metropolitan Phoenix pubs and taverns reported crowd disturbances on St. Patrick’s Day, instigated by a tall, long-haired man with “John Lennon sunglasses” drinking Killians Red (out of a bottle, so it wasn’t green.)  According to police reports, he wore an orange shirt  and a necklace of rubber snakes.  Wherever he was, there was trouble.  At Murphy’s Pub the man stood on a pool table and drunkenly cried “William of Orange did more than any other English monarch except Cromwell to make Ireland what it is today, an’ doan’ you phugging ferget it!”  A fight broke out at this inflammatory remark, during which he was ejected.  A crowd riot also broke out at The Mason Jar, though that could have been slam dancing.  AstroCreep2000 was the house band, and Lady Die herself said she thought she caught a glimpse of some freak with the orange shirt and snakes wreaking havoc in the pit, though that could have been Creepy Peaches.   All told, there were roughly 15 such sightings for St. Patrick’s Day, and the majority are mutually exclusive in terms of time or place (unless shade can be in multiple locations simultaneously.)  This smacks of Brain Police misinformation.

Around that time, Cinder claimed to have seen shade at the Horse and Hound gateway to Area 51, and even says she helped him on a $2 raid into Atari’s take on Groom Lake.  Her claims that shade made two-star general but she only corporal (due to her inability to shoot straight) sound like self-depreciating misinformation, though what should one expect from the Patrona Argenta Tequila Queen?  We must therefore consider this shade sighting apocryphal.

Shortly thereafter, FireSkunk alleged to have hung out with shade for close to a week, though her claims are highly suspect to the point of incredulity.  I’m sorry, but I cannot conceivably see shade bowling or playing ping pong,  and getting schooled by the ’skunk at both, no less!  The claims of shade playing sports are just too absurd; I mean, miniature golf, fer chris’sake?!?  No way; this statement is clearly a Brain Police p.r. move to make it seem as though shade were still in the public, rather than either kidnapped or on the lam.  The give-aways are any absence to references of shade smoking, and FireSkunk’s admittance that, when asked to light candles, she explained her inability with a seemingly-sincere “I don’t know how to use a lighter!” 

Although there may be no connection, a flier was reported in the communal laundry room of Desert Palm (shade’s old oasis before BadAss.)  It anonymously offered the writing of English papers for 10 tons of flax a page.  The number listed (555-OUCH) was always busy, so no information on this lead can be verified.

Among much more speculative, unverified sightings:

  • Mill Avenue:  a lanky man in a dark cowboy hat arguing theology with a street preacher.

  • Tucson:  wearing sunglasses at midnight, stocking up on chocolate granola bars at an Albertsons.

  • Sedona: a man described as “a goddamn Floridian hippie beach bum” tried to pay with flax for an extra cheese pizza

  • Tombstone: a long-haired man in a Frank Zappa t-shirt went into a gun dealership and asked for “something in a Manlicher-Carcano.”

Easily the most outlandish claim comes from Johannesburg, South Africa.  A man roughly fitting shade’s description walked into the Public Library reading room with a small entourage of followers, all wearing latex surgical gloves.   With “shade” as the focus, the troupe performed—or at least attempted—a short one-act play that argued to the astonished library-goers that fingerprints were both myth and conspiracy.  Things got ugly when one of the performers used an Afrikaner translation of The Fountainhead as an ashtray; the librarians responded with tear gas and shotguns, critically wounding “Betty,” the bodyguard to the man in charge (who she called ‘Al.’)  Despite losing Betty’s protection, Al managed to escape in the aftermath, ducking back down the alleyway with some roly-poly little bat-faced girl.




In other news...


(further) Proof of the Pizza Conspiracy


For those of you who are either new or just not paying attention, we are at war with Gumby’s Pizza.

We recently received unsolicited email from an apostate manager of a Gumby’s Pizza, who found the Gumby’s Hate Page doing a search on Yahoo! for “Gumby’s Pizza Sucks.”  He offers a first-hand testimonial to the heinous practices of Scumby’s Corporate:


  That is the funniest thing I have seen in a long time. I used to run a Gumby's Pizza and you are right. The corporate HQ doesn't care about anything but the money they save. You think a few ounces of cheese is bad? (Me too, but..) they screwed me out of several thousand dollars, and didn't blink an eye about it. btw.. a 16" pizza has between 7.5 and 8 ounces of cheese. That's the same as a normal pizza shops 12" pie. They are all cheap asses. :) I hope everybody sees your page!!!





More Brain Police Activity in Arizona


It would seem that the Brain Police have adopted our ‘exception to every rule’ motto and applied it to ’zona law:


             You heard it here first, folks: per the Brain Police, ‘no’ means ‘yes’!


Air Manchuria


The recent ruckus over the downed U.S. surveillance plane is a good example of how bad things are about to get.  It was a full week before the crew was seen by American diplomats, and it should go without saying that during that crucial first week the 24 Americans were stashed away in a Manchurian internment camp for “reprogramming.”  Hasn’t anyone noticed that half of the crew have taken up solitaire?!?  C’mon!  Wake up and smell the the Queen of Diamonds!


Thomas Con


shade may be missing, but the revised version of his infamous treatise on the Gospel of Thomas has been accepted and posted on the official Gospel of Thomas homepage.  This updated version is much more html friendly and much less rambling than the original version, which has been migrated to the cyber-compound archive.

This new version deals in depth with why the Gospel of Thomas was banned from the Bible.  shade’s article names names among the Brain Police, and even provides the smoking gun proof that the Bible has been altered by Brain Police agents to fit their own non-Christian control doctrine.

Click here to check it out.


Quiz Obituary 


As most of you know, the Quizzes have been retired.

A sad day for “think for yourself-dom,” but largely necessary because of complaints about how Evil Matt handled the scoring.  No one, not even I, fully understand his mystery system, except that it is some occult formula more complicated than the Kabbalah.  E.M.’s attempt to explain scoring seems thin, and even then does not always hold up to its own standard.

The last quiz, appropriately named “The Death of Pop Quiz”, did have an excellent turn-out, and seemed a fitting tribute to retire the concept on.

Perhaps, then, we should not be all that surprised that you can’t keep a good quiz down, as the semi-unofficial “Ghost of Pop Quiz” is out.  A restraining order has been issued to keep Evil Matt 500 feet away from the answers, so this (and any future rounds) will not be scored.  It is possible that shade (if he ever shows up) may create a web page submit form to allow the readers themselves to vote for their favorite answers, though I tried to talk him out of this due to obvious ballot-stuffing abuses that will doubtless occur (especially from WitKnee.)


Don’t be that guy (part 48)


A little while ago, saint was up in Ice Station Zappa, ostensibly for Uncle Istivan’s wedding, but mostly to snuggle with FireSkunk.  The two of them were leaving her place one day, heading down the back stairs.  For reasons unclear, saint was singing Spice Girls songs in a silly, sarcastic voice.

saint slipped on the stairs, and promptly careened down to the switchback and into the rail banister.  saint had enough momentum that he hit the rail and went half way over it.  There is no question that if he had any more velocity, he would have flipped over and gone head first down three stories to a concrete finale.

I’m not sure which disturbs me more: nearly loosing our fearless leader, or having to tell people that his last words were “so tell me whatcha want, what ya really, really want...”



obscure history section:


The Waco/Roman Conflagration Connection



The great fire of Rome broke out on July 19th of 64A.D., starting in the shops around the Circus Maximus and quickly spreading north.  After raging for six days, firefighters finally seemed to contain the conflagration, but it suddenly re-erupted (either by accident or design) on the Capitoline Hill, and by the end of the month had razed three of the city’s fourteen quartiers.   It was the worst disaster to have ever befallen Rome, and the only thing that would outdo it in destructiveness would be the actual sacking of Rome by the Visigoths four hundred years later.  

The infamous image of Nero fiddling while Rome burned is untrue in a literal sense: Nero played the lyre (not the fiddle, which didn’t even exist yet) and was away in Antium on the coast when the fire broke out.  However, many believed at the time (and even now) that the “fiddling Nero” picture is an accurate metaphor for the motive behind the fire—and who took the blame.  Even as the ashes cooled, rumors spread that the Caesar himself had ordered the fire started for personal reasons, usually as an excuse to clear out slums and expand his palace construction.  Since Nero himself lost a lot of property in the fire, this is not very likely.  However, the general historical attitude has been that whoever really started the fire, Nero needed a quick scapegoat and unjustly chose the then-unknown Christians to bear the blame. 

Needless to say, the Church has always denied any involvement in the fire, claming they were nothing but government patsies.   Of course, that’s just what you’d expect them to say.  Hiding behind a passive mask, they feebly cry “non mea culpa!”  They want us to believe that the early church in Rome was a passive, non-pyromaniac parish that only preached love and would never do anything like burn the whole town down. 

The only non-Christian source that claims the Church had no part in the fire comes from Roman historian Tacitus, who was nine when the blaze happened.  A fervent Republican, his Annales of Imperial Rome are heavily biased against the succession of Caesars, so his negative treatment of the fire should be seen as standard Nero-bashing.  Tacitus so hated Nero that he automatically assumed (without actual proof) that Nero had made up the Christian excuse out of immediate convenience.  Essentially, Tacitus exonerates the Christians with the logic ‘if Nero hated them, they must be okay.’ 

Tacitus may have absolved the Christians, but his Annales descriptions show that either he did not have accurate information about the group’s beliefs, or he was describing a community very different from that we stereotypically expect of First Century Christians.  

Truth be known, we know next to nothing about the Christians living in Rome at the time of the fire.  And if the letter Paul wrote to the Romans a few years previous was any indication, they were actually a massively confused bunch caught up in Christ fever. 

Now a new historical discovery proves the idea that a simple, passive Christian community in Rome is pure bullshit

During the recent reconstruction of a restaurant outside Rome, a previously unknown masonry wall was discovered by plumbers in the basement.  Behind the bricks was a small room, obviously sealed off for centuries.  Inside was a cask of amontillado and a badly tarnished brass box brimming with loose scraps of paper.   By the time archaeologists arrived, the plumbers had drunk the amontillado (as well as impregnated two of the waitresses) and the box’s contents were being used to roll spliffs.   

The cache proved to be the business papers of Flavius Maximus, apparently a wealthy Roman business magnate, and largely consists of bar tabs, receipts for sheep, several “IOU’s” from a brothel, etc.  All were in Latin, and the majority are in one distinct handwriting with consistently bad grammar (presumably Flavius himself.)    They can be dated conclusively to the middle of the First Century, and indeed one particularly important document can be dated to the first week of August 64.

Among the cache of Flavius Maximus documents is a letter from his brother, Felonius Maximus, who lost his home and a chariot in the great conflagration, and was asking Flavius for a large loan to help him out.  Written just days after the disaster, the letter is full of vivid imagery and details, and contains a number of important references that shed a new perspective on this historic

The Maximus letter provides a chilling narrative of the real people involved in the fire.

Apparently the fire was the endgame of a Roman police raid on a group Maximus calls “Ramus Ericius.”  The Romans attempted to serve an arrest warrant for sword sharpness violations, but a battle broke out, resulting in a stalemate and prolonged siege.  Maximus reports that the Roman in charge, Janus Renos, ordered the Ericius complex stormed, during which the fire broke out.   It was apparently Renos who first blamed the Ramus Ericius for the fire, and this went unchallenged as explanation.  

mentions that there were rumors that Renos had secretly ordered the Ericius building burned, but seems to believe it is reasonable that the Ericiusians were indeed responsible for the fire.  Felonius mentions them poorly, describing them as “secta imbecillus cum nux dux” (crazy cult with nutty leader).

Unfortunately, damage to the document at this crucial point makes it difficult to find out much concerning this mysterious Ramus Ericius, and Felonius is more concerned with hitting his brother up for money than he is with describing the group.  However,  one must wonder at the coincidences.

It should be clear that Ramus Ericius is a thinly disguised Christian “front”, and that the Brain Police are the ones who started the fire.  But you already knew that, didn’t you.  Well, here’s one final thought to ponder: a little over a year after the fire broke out in Rome, Revolution broke out in Israel, ultimately resulting in the burning of Jerusalem.  

Coincidence?  I think not!


  Blasting Thermodynamics

As you know, Branch Floridians “believe” that “there is an exception to every rule.”  Well, we think we have found the exception to the First Law of Thermodynamics.

A brief refresher for gentiles: the First Law is ‘energy can be changed from one form to another, but it cannot be created or destroyed.’  In equation form,

e - u = Ø

(where ‘e’ is energy put into a system, and ‘u’ is energy taken out.)  All energy forms must add up to zero, with no surplus (creation of matter) or deficiency (loss) allowed.  Although this has many implications, one of the obvious ones is “you can’t create something out of nothing.”

Well, actually you can, and this has been done for over twenty years, due to a conspiracy including then-president Ronald Reagan and Fed chairman Alan Greenspan.

A quick (yet relevant) digression into the Mysteries of Banking.  A bank only has so much money in it, from deposits, investments, and such.  However, thanks to a policy started by Ronald Reagan, banks are able to loan out eight times as much as they actually have.  This money that is loaned out does not exist, but has been artificially created out of nothing.  

According to the government, the money has financial backing behind it to give it equivalent value (thus supposedly making it “real”) but let’s examine that a second.

Every time a bank loans out more than it actually has, The Federal Reserve guarantees the loan with government bonds.

These government bonds are good because they are guaranteed by loans from the Fed.

Those loans are good because they are guaranteed by more government bonds.

And those bonds, you’ll remember, are guaranteed by loans from the Fed.

It should be obvious that we are in a vicious circle at this point, an illogical mobeus loop that undermines the economics of our great nation. 

Since money is essentially the mover in modern society, it equals “energy”.  Money has been created out of nothing, which is contrary to the First Law of Thermodynamics.

I propose that Ronald Reagan and Alan Greenspan be arrested for breaking the Law.

Death by electrocution seems most appropriate. 

saint’s sermon: 

Article 1, Section 10 


While we’re on the subject of The Federal Reserve, let’s take time to remember that not only are they breaking the First Law of Thermodynamics, they are also brazenly violating the United States Constitution as well.


No State shall enter into any Treaty, Alliance, or Confederation; grant Letters of Marque and Reprisal; coin Money; emit Bills of Credit; make any Thing but gold and silver Coin a Tender in Payment of Debts; pass any Bill of Attainder, ex post facto Law, or Law impairing the Obligation of Contracts, or grant any Title of Nobility.

Article 1, Section 10


Per The Constitution, lawful money must be of gold or silver.  Shrewd Brain Police agents found the loophole by noticing that it says no state may mint non-metallic money, but there is no prohibition against private enterprises from doing so.

The Federal Reserve is not a government department, but a private corporation under minimal government control.  If you need an example of how powerful the Fed is, think back to the last election.  When Bush first went to Washington after the Supreme Court handed him the White House, who was the very first person he met with?  The incumbent President?  Nope.  Instead, Bush spent several hours with Fed chairman Alan Greenspan.

The Fed was created (some say snuck through Congress) during Christmas break of 1913.  In an effort to ostensibly conform to the Constitution, the first paper money it printed the following year stated on it:

This Note is Receivable By All National and Member Banks and Federal Reserve Banks and for All Taxes, Customs, and Other Public Dues.  It Is Redeemable in Gold on Demand At the Treasury Department of the United States in the City of Washington, District of Columbia or in Gold or Lawful Money At Any Federal Reserve Bank.

By its own admission this was not “lawful money,” because it says it could be exchanged for lawful money or gold.  The gold giving value to these pieces of paper was kept in Fort Knox.  However, most citizens didn’t (and don’t) know the definition of “lawful money,” and by 1963 the Brain Police had managed to take us off the “gold standard,” so the only thing backing the value of the pieces of paper was the government’s word.  The “redeemable for gold” disclaimer of the earlier money was dropped in favor of the more familiar 

This Note Is Legal Tender for All Debts, Public and Private.

There is a complex semantical difference between “Lawful Money” and “Legal Tender.”  The short version: “Lawful Money” is redeemable for gold, “Legal Tender” is  only redeemable for more pieces of paper bearing the same disclaimer.

Our money is money only because The Federal Reserve says it is, and no one in Washington has effectively challenged them on this.

             Think about it.



Secrets of the Universe




Last time we learned the truth about laundry; this week it’s...


How Magazines Work


             Inside every magazine is at least one subscription insert.  Indeed, saint suspects that one of the signs of the Apocalypse will be a magazine that is nothing but subscription inserts.

The overwhelming majority of magazines are distributed to vendors, such as bookstores or drugstores, who keep the magazines on multi-tiered shelves.  It is not uncommon for the subscription insert to come loose and end up crumpled at the bottom of the shelf.  If the magazine does not sell, it is returned to the publisher.  However, frequently the inserts get left behind on the shelf.

The insert is actually a seed, and if left alone, will mature in a few months to an outdated issue of the same type that spawned it.

That’s the cycle; obvious if you think about it.



Ask Evil Matt


     as channeled by Sister Ob’dewlla ‘X’


Q:  We all have been told ”Mary Magdalene” in her younger years was a prostitute.. where in the Bible is there any reference to this? (that she was aprostitute)

A:  Nowhere in the Bible does it say that Mary Magdalene was a prostitute.  The legend that she was is based on extremely faulty exegesis by Pope Gregory the Great.  Luke 8:2 identifies Mary of Magdala as a woman from whom Jesus cast seven demons; Gregory (confusing the Gospel of Mark with Luke) identified these as metaphorical for the ‘seven deadly sins.’  Luke 7:37-50 tells of an unnamed woman who was a “sinner” that repented and anointed Jesus’s feet with tears then wiped them away with her hair.  John 12:3 tells of a similar event, where Mary anoints Jesus’s feet with costly ointment and cleans it off with her hair.  Although these are clearly separate events and separate people, Gregory decided otherwise.  Mary’s infamy was publicly announced for the first time by Gregory on September 14th, 591: 


“She whom Luke calls the sinful woman, whom John calls Mary, we believe to be the Mary from whom seven devils were ejected according to Mark. And what did these seven devils signify, if not all the vices? ... It is clear, brothers, that the woman previously used the unguent to perfume her flesh in forbidden acts...”

—23rd Homily


Q:  How do you do the ”victory dance”?

A:  Spontaneously.  Attempting to explain the choreography is therefore impossible.

Q:  What is curry?

A:  Curry” is a catch-all term used to describe the various sauces/gravies/marinades common to Indian food.  The term itself is of British origin (ca. 1500) and is not used by or derived from any of the dozen native languages on the Indian subcontinent.  As it is a generic word, there is no single,  specific “curry,” and different “curry powders” would have different base ingredients.  That said: ginger, garlic, onion, turmeric, and oil are almost always among the core components of any curry.  Improvise from there.

Q:  What is the difference between a butte and a mesa?

A:  A butte is a mountain (or large hill) that is isolated among otherwise level surroundings.  A mesa is a roughly rectangular mountain (or large hill) with steep sides and a flat top.  

            Got a question?  Ask .

And finally...

The Hedgehog Corner

by Harriet the Hedgehog

Hollywood Hedgehogs

When it comes to the entertainment industry, hedgehogs are sorely lacking in any spotlight popularity.  This isn’t hedgehogs’ fault: there are many aspiring ’hog actors in Hollywood; I blame the human producers for this shabby representation.  Indeed, there has only been one television show about Hedgehogs, and while no “real” full length feature films exist on us intrepid insectivores, we have only one actor in the ranks.

“Sonic the Hedgehog” was originally was a Sega home video game released in June 1991, essentially a spruced up Mario Brothers.  As the game was popular (hell, I’ve got it in my burrow) it was inevitable that it would end up on television.  ABC produced it and released it to syndication in 1993.  In 1999 a much slicker, sophisticated, and ominously darker Sonic Underground series was produced, which was only available in Europe and odd time slots on the Sci Fi Channel.  Also in ’99 a full-length feature film was released.  It was nothing more than a variant rehash of several episodes, and was universally derided as a late attempt to cash in on the hedgehog phenomenon.

Other than that, hedgehogs are sadly lacking movie representation, except as sarcastic pseudonyms.  Specifically, adult film actor Ron Jeremy is known in the trade as “The Hedgehog.”

Ron is the director and producer of the highest-grossing adult film, “John Wayne Bobbitt - Uncut” (as well as the less-successful yet more disturbing sequel, “Frankenpenis”.)  However, he is best known for his performances in front of the camera. 

Ron doesn’t exactly fit the stereotypical adonis models one would expect for porn...  I mean, look at him, fer chris’sake!   But that’s actually a big part of his charm.  Here’s some squat, tubby, hobgoblin with more fur than Paul Stanley on Rogaine, and yet he’s boning beautiful babes on a regular basis!  Apparently that hits home for most of the “average” guys constituting the adult viewing audience.  Ron “The Hedgehog” has become the ugly man’s hero, allowing them to see themselves on the screen poking those tasty teenage treats. 

Still, as a hedgehog myself, I am saddened that our only showing in movies is as a pornography pseudonym.


 write to Harriet: 


That’s all for now, so you know the drill...


trust no one
deny everything
always keep your lighter handy!

© 2001 (V,ii)