World Domination Update
vol. VIII, iss. i
“The voice of one crying in the wilderness”
of the Moment: “Why is this
— Hello Kitty
Secret Word of the Day: Blurb
Site of the Week: 101 Proofs that God Exists
Barbecue Sauce of the Month: Mojave Max’s Super-Searing Sunstroke Sauce
In this issue:
· An un-PC alternative to the Super Bowl
· Moronic Malcolmtent
· Dimly Disguised Atheism
· Di-Hard Conspiracy
· Martian Mishaps
· Ask Evil Matt
· Hedgehogs of War
Now normally I’d hold off on publishing an Update until However, pressing matters at hand merit a premature dissemination of this Information Epistle. So first and foremost I’ll just trust y’all to remember Raid Day on your own, and to mark this 11th Anniversary of ATF ineptness in true Branch Floridian fashion by barging into your local Krispy Kreme without a valid warrant and getting into a fight with someone that could easily have been avoided.
In the meantime, enough things are afoot and it seemed best to get this issue out before materials became dated and stale. Also, saint’s busy with Phase II preparations for World Domination, and will be out of the office until at least Not that I’m trying to pull an Al Haig here, but with me in command of the Cyber-Compound, disseminations such as you’re reading will probably run more secular than the scriptural flavor that saint usually adds to the brew. Not that religion isn’t important, but that’s more saint’s domain, and right now there’s a lot of non-theological problems running amok that we need to get up to speed on.
As we delve into 2004, this is shaping up to be a very dangerous year in terms of events. We have an election in November, and a lot is on the line here. The economy is showing signs of some type of recovery, and the military pulled off a great p.r. coup in Iraq by finally capturing Saddam. Bush is actually showing signs of being (gasp!) popular, and there is a very real chance that he might get re-elected.
Most economists will tell you that the current economic recovery is not due to the Dubya tax cuts, and long-term those will mortgage our future away even more than it already is. However, Bush is obviously looking for a quick fix, and is no doubt damned glad that the tax cuts and returning signs of prosperity coincidentally coincide. It’s pretty clear that he doesn’t have any real domestic economic policy, and while he does have a foreign one, its damned dangerous and will take decades to undo the damage from it.
Oh, and let’s not forget his Space Plan. Obviously hopping on the Mars bandwagon, Dubya’s decided to put a lunar base in play and then on to Mars. It somehow doesn’t seem surprising he would choose our neighboring planet: Mars was the God of War. Rather fitting, I think y’all’ll agree. Now don’t get me wrong: I’m all for space exploration. I write science fiction, so this stuff is right up my alley. But still, I must wonder if this is the time and the way to do it. My bet is the plans eventually get “postponed” indefinitely, when the bill becomes due and we realize we don’t have the money, but in the meantime Bush gets a blurb of positive p.r. and can bask in the spotlight for fifteen minutes while appearing to be progressive.
He’s obviously forgotten the lesson of his father, who won a war against Iraq, made a promise to land on Mars by the end of the decade, and then got skunked in his reelection bid.
Dubya, of course, is counting on the terminally short-term memory of most American voters. Case in point: apparently most Americans seem to have already forgotten about Osama. Although I have some obvious problems with Wesley Clark, I agree with him 100% when he commented “Right after 9/11, this administration determined to do bait-and-switch on the American public. President Bush said he was going to get Osama bin Laden, dead or alive. Instead, he went after Saddam Hussein.”
I think Bush’s failure to truly pursue Osama indicates his ineptitude, or at least his inability to get his priorities straight. Al Qaida is demonstrably the greater threat to America, but Bush does a half-assed job in Afghanistan, allowing most of the enemy to slip through our fingers by purposefully allowing an air corridor of escape during Operation Anaconda that was otherwise supposed to encircle and ensnare anyone in the noose. Supposedly, the air corridor was to allow a few spies and insider agents we had nestled in Al Qaida to escape. Of course, more than just this handful of allegedly friendly agents escaped: pretty much all of Al Qaida packed up and moved to Pakistan through the escape route we provided. But rather than pursuing them, Bush turned his attention back to Iraq.
Most of us already knew Bush had Iraq on his agenda menu from the time he took the Oath of Office; Former Treasury Secretary Paul O’Neil merely confirmed what y’all already knew. Then again, O’Neil described the Enron debacle as an example of “the genius of capitalism...” so I take what he says with a skewed lump of salt. However, this time with the Bush Baghdad Game Plan, I buy it.
Given all this, I’m chilled to think of what Dubya’s attention will turn to if he gets a second term. Probably something small and shiny. However, this may be one of the best reasons to register to vote, but unfortunately last election pretty much proved that your vote doesn’t count if someone has enough money and on-the-ball lawyers...
,,,according to a January 3rd article in the Arizona Republic, it may not matter if you even go to the voting booth, as Bush apparently has some Divine help on his side. If you’re too lazy to click the link, I was nice enough to scan it. No need to thank me; I am a giver...
Scary thoughts from a scary guy:“It doesn’t make any difference what he does, good or bad, God picks him...”
I guess we should consider the source, though: click here for Robertson’s résumé (interspersed with some Jim Bakker commentary), as told by Frank Zappa.
...meanwhile, in other news...
As most of you know, we have been waging a war against a blatant manifestation of the Brain Police: those evil, cheeseless fiends at Gumby’s Pizza. In the past, the retaliation on their part to my information campaign about how heinous they are has been limited to various hate mail, usually of the inane caliber of the infamous Trailer Trash Rant or, most recently, the Pokey Butter Harangue.
However, some scum-sucking Gumby goon has attempted to up the ante. Recently I received a short salvo of emails from both Gumby1@aol.com and email@example.com which all contained the same subject ("Hi") and same blurb of a message:
> Test =)|
> Test, yep.
Attached to this gibberish was a file. The file had various names, but each was (according to my Norton Anti-Virus) merely a thinly disguised version of the W32.Beagle.A@mm virus.
I should point out, by the way, that this was a couple weeks before the MyDoom worm virus hit the ’Net, and since W32.Beagle is demonstrably different from MyDoom, I view this as a deliberate attack against me, not the by-product of some Gumby fool who accidentally infected his/her own computer with a self-replicating virus.
Obviously, I was neither fooled nor infected, and view this latest attempt on their part to shut down the Crusade for Extra Cheese as desperation on their part. Perhaps we are finally making a difference and they are running scared?
It also wouldn’t surprise me in the least if this computer virus were somehow cultivated off of one of their toppings and transferred to a floppy for dissemination...
a political plug
(thinly disguised as Reader Feedback)
During this year's Super Bowl, you'll see ads sponsored by beer companies, tobacco companies, and the Bush White House. But you won't see the winning ad in MoveOn.org Voter Fund's Bush in 30 Seconds ad contest. CBS refuses to air it.
To check out the ad and ask CBS to air ads like this one, go to:
shade’s Superbowl peshar
Thank you, Don Pardo Guevera.
In an effort to salve your easily offended sensibilities at this blatant Bush-controlled propaganda coup, you might be interested to know that an “equal opportunity rebuttal” sporting event will be broadcast simultaneously with the Stupor Bowl, catering to the tastes of those like yourself that feel Fear and Loathing towards anything less extreme than Leon Trotsky.
A world championship soccer match (the “Athletic Cup”) will be played at Mahatma Gandhi Stadium in Vichy, France between the Topeka Sheep (Spain) and Madagascar Coelacanths (Madagascar). Winner gets International Bragging Rights and a weekend at EuroDisney. The game will be shown, appropriately, on the Al Jazeera network, and Marv Albert will reprise his ‘Amused to Death’ roll as commentator/host.
Opening ceremonies/pre-game include a chorus of Iraqi and Palestinian orphans lip-synching the International Anthem, and the burning of a 50' American Flag. A lucky random fan will be pulled out of the audience, and if s/he can throw a balsa glider replica of a 747 into one of the trade towers, s/he wins €10,000 and a year’s supply of Turtle Wax.
The half-time show starts off with a Taliban drum corps playing a medley of Bob Dylan protest tunes while marching in patterns that form anti-American taunts in Arabic. This is followed by some CGI of a lion and a lamb playing a friendly game of soccer and then laying down together in piece and harmony (all to the tune of “Why Can’t We Be Friends?”) Segue into an intense laser light display as a male trio from Texas called The Chicksie Dicks will denounce GWB and shred him in effigy; a brief soccer game will be played with his head, with a Britney Spears imposter in a wedding dress making the teams even. At center field, a 20 ton weight dropped on the imposter, accompanied by mindless fireworks. For a finale, 200 trained ostriches will run on the field, do a brief ballet to Stravinsky’s Firebird Suite, and then burry their heads in the sand, spelling out “everything’s just peachy!”
Of course, half the show will be the ads. Sponsors will be strictly prohibited from displaying any type of anti-Bush stance. Wal-mart, Clearchannel, and Starbucks are banned from airtime. Notable corporate shills who are participating include:
Liquid X (including the “X BOWL” where cans of Liquid X play soccer against cans of Red Bull)
La Frumage Fetale, a French Cheese importer (mostly brie, which this ad is for), where French peasants bribe some Nazi occupiers with an inferior brand of cheese, and then chuckle that they kept the good stuff for themselves.
The Oliver Stone Foundation for a Conspiracy-Free America
Keuchen Katastrophe (who will debut the new year’s fashion for schlappapants)
Doc Martin’s (plug for their legendary boots. Since this is an English company advertising on an international channel, it is able to bypass U.S. obscenity laws by having the caption: “Doc Martins: yeah, they’re great for kicking the shit out of people,,, but that wouldn’t be nice!”)
Supercuts (with a CGI-enhanced Ted Dansen as Samson, Pam Anderson as Delilah.)
Bowne (with a chorus of dancing typesetters can-canning to a medley of “up all night/Sleep all day”, “livin’ after midnight”, and “dawn patrol”.
So set your TIVO, dude; this is right up your alley.
a few thoughts:
1.)a ricotta filled calzone is the brainchild of the "eat more beef" people......after eating one of those you are sure to give up any vegetarian ways.the ONLY use for ricotta is to stretch out the good cheese (as in good cholesterol vs. bad cholesterol) in the lasgna....but don't forget the meat.
2.)pokey butter? I missed something here even though I flipped back through the archives I still couldn't find it spelled out. Must be a "guy" thing.
3.)Your reader looking for a "smell recorder".........already invented and documented nicely in the classic movie "Harlod and Maude"....she has one in her train-home and introduces Harlod to "snow in New York",etc.
4.)In defense of Schwarzeneggar:
Show business people are like everyone else in one reguard....most are dumber than dirt, but some actually have some brain cells.
I say give him a chance........everyone laughed at Ventura, and clearly the man is unconventional but no dummy. Schwarzeneggar is also no dummy. He is a very shrewd business man and from what I have heard from his lips, there is nothing wrong with his political brain either. I am not for either party anymore - both have failed us all- so I am more apt to go by individuals. Schwarzeneggar is not "new" to politics, he has toyed with it for 25 years and married into it and still kept his oun beliefs (not easy for anyone to do under those circumstances).He came up the hard way from outside this country and may know better than any of us at this point what being entitled to th "american way and all its POSSIBLE advantages" may mean. He never asked for any handouts or "freebys" and worked his way to the top....he represents a type of mentality I have not seen in the Republican party for a long time ,loyalty,hard work,what seems to be a moral conscience, and something that may resemble ethics.....lets see what he can do.(As far as the "womanising"...I saw the tape, She place his had on her hip-she made the first move and didn't seem very upset- in those days EVERYBODY behaved badly- it was the expected behavior of the 70's and 80's.........and what has that to do with the prise of cow chips anyway?)Nixon was thrown out because of Watergate......Clinton looses face (no pun) because of a blow-job......are these things equal in value to turn a country into turmoil over?Shame on everyone, I'm sick of it....special interests have ruined this country and allowed partys and people to shred each other over non political agendas..........glass houses people, we all live in one.The bottom line is what these candidates and elected officals accomplish for the country.—
Addressing the issues/opinions raised by Herr Mommandant in order...
1) That was supposed to be a “three cheese calzone” but the other two cheeses weren’t in evidence; even then I’d be skeptical of it in anything other that lasagna, as you wisely point out. Since I’m satisfied it is a subplot conspiracy by the Gumby’s Dairy Gestapo, are you suggesting Scumby’s is behind the ‘eat more beef’ movement as well? That doesn’t sit right, as meat products are probably the most costly items in creating a ’za, and Scumby’s is notoriously cheap. Then again, an email from a former Scumby’s manager (known as the ‘Smurf Rant’) mentioned:
As an asst. mngr. to the company of evil, I was subjected to the worst that this business has to offer. Such as, every time the truck came in for the week, I had to handle sausage (not actual sausage, just Italian Pizza Chunks), chicken, and beef that came out of the box looking bluer than a smurf.
2) Pokey Butter is some hideous confection created by Scumby’s Pizza. While composing the penultimate update, I received some hate mail in the I Hate Gumby’s Pizza mailbox which mentioned the stuff; after laughing for about 20 minutes, it quickly became apparent that it was the Secret Word of the Day. However, doing some research into just what the shit is, I uncovered an even older letter in the Scumby’s archive that referenced it.
By the way, I still have been unable to figure out just what this hideous shit is, so offer a 20-ton flax reward to anyone who can tell me.
3) Sisbooomba’s been trying to pimp off “Harold & Maude” on me for about 20 years, so I have a mental block against that movie. Yes, I have seen it, but have blocked most of it out of my mind, including the ‘smell recorder.’ Personally, if we’re gonna try to take movie items and make them incarnate, I think research should either go into a Star Trek holodeck or the Orgasmatron out of Sleeper...
4) I am willing to give Arnie (or, as Reverend 451 called him, Der Gropenfuhrer) a chance, mostly because I don’t live in California and thus don’t have to deal with it. Then again, ’Zona has a severe case of Kalifornication in that it seems to slowly be turning into a Cali clone in terms of laws and prices... Still, we’ll see about Arnie. He was legally elected, and if he can do a good job, more power to him. I never said he was an idiot, but I never said he was a genius or the best man for the job, either...
Sorry, I'm just gonna respond as I go through this issue of the WDU - easier than tring to respond to the whole issue in a single multipoint letter.
When you click the picture of Chris PapaSodomizedMe does that take you to HIS website? And isn't it funny that there is a picture of a giant stack of "great" literature and the "Enter" link at the bottom of the page is mis-spelled?
Yes indeedie, [website URL removed] is the personal page of Chris PapaSmegma, as well as the storefront for his own little cult.
As for his ‘entrer’ [sic] link... no shit! I laughed my ass off when I first saw that. However, in his defense (gasp! horror!) I will give him the benefit of the doubt on this by noting the intense use of French throughout his site, and ‘entrer’ is Français for ‘to enter.’ French is, or course, the language of pretension, a highly appropriate choice here. One must also recall a comment from the Yay-Hooray board by a poster named SPUNKY:
papa makes a ton of stuff up. I remember him trying to tell people how he was a fluent french speaker before pasting a bad babelfish translation later on in the same thread.
Of course, that doesn’t change the fact that he consistently misspells “tattoo” on his site... Apparently whatever html editor he uses doesn’t have a spell-check, and I noticed a dictionary wasn’t one of the books he scanned onto his opening splash page...
Scary thing is, PapaSpap has actually redesigned his website since I first saw it and linked to it. Originally on the index page was a classic pic of PapaScrotem that had Hitler Youth written all over it, but unfortunately it has disappeared since the revamping of his sight.
Probably out of embarrassment.
...and speaking of obtuse fools...
Malcolm IS The Muddle
Seems I may have closed out the 2003 Obtuse Awards a tad early; the last Update containing those ignoble kudos went out on December 10th, and barely five days later I met... Malcolm.
[pause for thunderclap in soundtrack]
So here’s the deal: I had met up with arch-nemesis DK of the Ranch Peninsular heresy at The Vine for some cheap beer and conversation (part of a ‘keep your friends close but enemies closer’ policy, if you’re wondering about my fraternizing with the enemy.) Somehow the topic had drifted to Lee Harvey Oswald’s infamous “defection” to the Soviet Union, and we were pondering whether he had been responsible for Gary Powers getting shot down. This is indeed fertile ground for conspiracy conversation, and after a few minutes, DK excused himself to get a Killians refill, take a squirt, and undoubtedly main-vein some Hidden Valley in the men’s room. No sooner had he gone in than the door to the smoking patio swung open and all the lights dimmed as a black hole of vast assininity shambled out.
He was in his mid-30s, had scruffy, unwashed black hair down to his shoulders, and hadn’t shaved in maybe a week. He had on a beat up black leather biker jacket, the kind Brando made famous in The Wild One. Ol’ Boy was two-fisting his liquor: beer in one hand, double-shot of single-malt whiskey on the rocks in the other. I gather he’d been on a bender since Thanksgiving.
This, of course, was Malcolm.
“Soooo,” he announces to the Smoking patio at large, which currently consisted of myself and some other anonymous patron trying to mind his own business, “what’s, uh,,, what matter of, uh,,, topic of,, erm,,, conversation,,, um,,, happens to, uh,,, is, uh,,, occupying your, um,,, your minds tonight, uh,,, gentlemen?”
Wisely, the other guy out there kept his mouth shut, but for some reason my mind suggested that this could be fun.
“Well, ” I began, “you just missed out on a debate over whether or not Lee Harvey Oswald was involved in Gary Powers getting shot down.”
“Oh,” Malcolm responded sagely, “I, uh,,, I would have, um, loved, er,,, to have been, uh,,, been part of that, uh,,, conversation!”
“Fine,” I reply, “what are your thoughts on the matter?”
“Wow,” he says, obviously shocked that someone had extended the invitation, “So, uh,,, right!” He takes over DK’s vacated chair, makes himself comfortable, and then raises a finger as if to make a point. “The, uh,,, thing about that is,,, uh,,, ... er,,, ...um,,, ... ..what was the question?”
“Oswald and Gary...”
“Right!” he cries triumphantly. “Oswald was a, uh,,, ... y’see, what most people, uh,,, don’t get about, uh,,, Oswald, was... ... ...well, he was like, a, uh...”
From this point on I’ll skip the ellipses in his various speeches, but to quote the great Tom-Servo, “Geez—this has more pauses than a Pitner play!” Put it this way, though: it was very unusual if he could complete a full sentence in one try, and more frequent that he would just drift off into uncomfortable silence.
Very slowly, Malcolm begins an attempt to explain his take on Oswald and the JFK assassination. At least, I think that was where he was going. I try to remind him that the topic was limited to the specific incident of the U-2 shoot-down, but he is unswayed.
“Well, the thing is... you have to put that in the larger context. Oswald was a great guy because he took his fate in his own hands.” And quick as a limpet, he manages to segue onto the French Revolution. Doubtless the tangent was connected in his mind to the original topic, but of course I was puzzled by his attempt to rant about “liberté,,, um, equalité [sic: s/b égalité] and, um... ...”
“Fraternité?” I suggest helpfully.
“Yeah!” he cries in triumph.
DK had by then rejoined us, and was surveying the scene the way my vegan friends look at a plate of veal.
Speaking of veal, somehow Malcolm got onto the subject that he was enrolled in the Scottsdale Culinary Institute. Or, at least, so he claimed. Some other smoker outside overheard this, and mentioned that he, too, was attending it.
Malcolm: “I thought I recognized you!”
The two of them begin a lengthy diatribe against the school and how neither like it. Malcolm makes an attempt, with lots of lacunae, about one teacher in particular who he was convinced had it out for him.
“What teacher is that?” the other guy asked.
Malcolm’s pauses became even longer and more awkward as he struggled with the answer. He was unable to offer up any names. Also missing was a reply to a simplified rephrasing by the other would-be chef, “well, what class are you in?” All the while, DK and I are desperately trying to keep straight faces.
At this point, most readers are probably wondering to themselves, “sounds like the guy was just a 50/50 mix of bullshit and beer. But was he obtuse?!?”
The answer, of course, is ‘like a 189° angle.’ Not only obtuse, but a Brain Police Misinformation Agent.
The best prima facie for this was on another of his tangents, where he somehow got onto the subject of the Crusades and attempted to defend Islam as a pacifist religion. He had arrived at this startling conclusion by:
a) reading some book (he cited the title and author; I had never heard of either),
b) ignoring half of history completely,
c) rewriting the rest
“The Moslems never attacked anyone except in self defense,” he attempted to explain; “The Crusaders had invaded their homeland, so they were fighting defensively. They never went out and attacked anyone on their own.”
“Ever heard of the Moors?” I ask him. He hadn’t, of course, so I explain. “They’re Moslems living in Spain. A few of them are still around, but not like they used to be. You see, Islam went on a Crusade of its own to spread the Mohammedan Message; they conquered North Africa, and then hopped over to Spain and conquered that. They could very well have taken most of Europe, actually, except Christianity made a last stand at some battle in Southern France that stopped them; they then spent the next couple hundred years pushing the Moslems out of France.”
He was unaware of all this, and I could tell that he was about to change the subject to conceal this fact, but I took advantage of one of his many stuttering pauses to press my point: “If they were a purely defensive religion, what were they doing conquering Africa and Spain?”
Amazingly, he had an explanation for this.
“Well, you see, at that time, the Moslem world was also being invaded by Genghis Khan, so the Moslems needed to set up a defensive barrier.”
It was my turn for a lengthy pause. Finally, I reply: “Well,,, putting aside the timeline differences here, the Mongols attacked out of the east, and Spain is as far west as you can get. If the Moslems were trying to stop an eastern invasion, they would have done it in the east, not on the other side of the continent.”
Malcolm was unswayed, but I was firmly convinced: the front-runner for the 2004 Obtuse Awards had already been found.
Here is an intriguing website that I stumbled across. Check it out - possible material for the next update.
The Rev has a good eye for potential Update fodder. The above-referenced website both irritated and upset me; although I’d been in the dark about the Brights’ existence, once illuminated, I glowed with a pissed-off penumbra.
The Brights define themselves as those“...whose worldview is naturalistic—free of supernatural and mystical elements.” This strikes me as being a thinly disguised and slightly updated subset of atheism.
The term “Bright” is highly pejorative against any group that falls outside their definition (ie: anyone who believes in some form of supernatural power) because “bright” is a common synonym for “intelligence.”
In other words, if you believe in a God, then you are not Bright.
Brights claim to base their beliefs on the “natural” order of “reality.” The problem with that should be obvious, but since this group still exists, they clearly are lacking a grasp on the “obvious,” so I’ll spell it out just in case any of them happen to read this. Per Rule #4 of Branch Floridian Hedgehogma, “Reality” is subjective, and the way you might perceive ‘reality’ may not be the same as I see it. Who’s right, and who’s wrong? That can only be answered subjectively, rather than objectively, yet the Brights claim to have a first-hand grasp on this very issue.
Ayn Rand said substantially similar things about her Objectivist clique, and my feelings about her and her cult are well-documented.
Anyway, The Brights’ website lacks listing their criteria for determining what is “natural,” but from context it seems to be based on empirical observation. [note to Kiwi: gulp!] In other words, they reject ‘the Supernatural’ (ie: God) because they can’t see God, and science can’t empirically [gulp!] prove that there is (or isn’t) a God. I reject that argument on common sense: just because you can’t see something doesn’t mean it’s not there. The Aztecs had no way of knowing about Europe or proving its existence, but that didn’t prevent Cortez from conquering them.
Further surfing of the Brights’ website reveals an intense schizophrenia and lack of self-identity caused by their lack of a cohesive definition that I debunked above. Just who is a bright? Their own propaganda shows their own confusion:
The network’s umbrella covers a startling spectrum of beliefs. Besides those who self-identify as atheists, humanists, secular humanists, freethinkers, rationalists, naturalists, skeptics, etc., the network includes Ethical Culturalists, Pantheists, Scientific Methodists, Buddhists, Yogis, Unitarians, and a gamut of folks (Jews, Catholics, Quakers, Episcopalians) who maintain their religion’s cultural aspects but not its supernaturalism.
I’m sorry, but an atheist and an agnostic are not the same thing, and cannot be part of the same subset in this case. Atheism rejects the existence of God, agnosticism specifically leaves the question open. Although it’s nice that someone (such as the Brights) would try to bridge this gap, if you are going to try to do it, at least do it correctly.
Like I said, I would actually classify Brightness as a revamped Atheism. Even though I don’t agree with Atheism, I actually have no problem with it, as long as the atheist in question has actually thought about it. The majority of atheists I have met, however, don’t seem to have thought about it, or at least not very hard. They either reject religion in general due to the gross misconduct of most organized religions throughout history (ie: confusing the messenger with the message) or just lack enough creativity to think outside the box of empirical [gulp!] observation. That strikes me as being equally as bad as those who subscribe to blind faith. In fact, it’s pretty much the exact same thing, just in the opposite direction. Blind Faithers believe what they do because they are not creative enough to realize that what they have been told might be wrong, and atheists believe what they do because they are not creative enough to think about what they can’t physically see.
To their credit, though, The Brights pulled a good p.r. stunt when they chose their pejorative name and selected a few pseudo-scientific terms to define their dogma. This strikes me as being a belief system with appeal to extremely left-brained people who lack creativity.
I’m sure it’ll catch on.
...meanwhile, from the sublime to the sinister...
Die Lady Die
Back in December, Mohamed al-Fayed finally convinced a Scottish court to begin an official investigation into his son Dodi’s death. Dodi was killed in a car crash in Paris on August 31st, 1997.
If you’ve never heard of Mohamed al-Fayed, he is mostly known as the owner of Harrods of London.
If you’ve never heard of his son Dodi, he was mostly known for dating Diana Spencer, who also died that night in the accident.
If you’ve never heard of Diana Spencer, she was mostly known for having been married to Prince Charles of England.
French authorities looking into the deaths of Dodi and Diana had determined that it was an actual accident, caused in large part by their excessively drunk chauffeur (Henri Paul) doing 100+ on the road. Mohamed never bought into that, however, and neither have a large minority of the conspiratorial community.
Somewhat oversimplified, Mohamed and his supporters claim the car accident was intentionally set up by either MI-5 or MI-6 (take your pick) because Dodi and Di were about to become engaged to be married. Dodi got along well with Prince William, who is eventually in line to become King of England, and The Powers Puppeteering The Throne did not deem it proper for the future King to have an Arabic (and Muslim) step-father.
The conspiracy mill has churned out grist that claims that a second car intentionally rammed Dodi’s Mercedes, pushing it into an oil slick that had been set up ahead of time, thus making it look like an accident. Some of the more imaginative elaborations include their car had been tampered with ahead of time, false construction sites had been set up ahead of time to channel the car to the specific point, and even driver Henri Paul somehow having been force-fed time-release micro-caps full of alcohol. Paul was not even their regular chauffeur, but had stepped in at the last minute to do the driving. The one survivor, bodyguard Trevor Rees-Jones, was an ex-military paratrooper who may or may not have had ties to Military Intelligence (depending on which source you wish to believe.) He was the only one wearing a seatbelt, so doubtless he convinced the others not to to ensure their deaths in a high-speed crash.
Evidence of any of this? None.
After all, the French said so.
Needless to say, Conspiracy Theorists seem to think that either the investigation was handled by Inspector Clouseau, or British Intelligence rigged the results.
Personally, I don’t buy into it, simply because the British Monarchy is a figurehead with no actual relevance. Of course, some people claim that Queen Elizabeth II is personally behind almost every bit of nastiness that has happened since the Windsors bought their way into power, but I’ll leave such speculation to the likes of Lyndon LaRouche and A-Albionic. If there actually was shenanigans in the car crash, a better motive had better be offered than the mundane ‘kill Dodi to prevent an Arab influence on the future King’ theory that heads the list.
Well, there are some other scenarios on the table for what really happened. Alternative theories have been skulking around since pretty much the day after the accident. Popular ones include:
It was a revenge killing set
up by Prince Charles (either to allow him to marry Camilla, plain spite, or some
other dark motive)
Arms dealers had orchestrated
it because Di’s public opposition to land mines was hurting business
Dodi was the real target: Islamic extremists did it to send “a message” to his father, who has some rather murky and mysterious ties with the Saudi royal family.
By far the coolest one I have come across appeared on Conspiracy-Nation a few years ago. It touches on a larger scheme of religious subversion and One-World Government. And since such stuff are the Holy Grail of Update fodder, it merits special mention. The article, awesomely called “Whoever Controls Princess Diana Controls the World,” is still available and is an absolute hoot to read (click here) but I’ll summarize it for you...
As a Spencer, Lady Di was related to the Stuarts, and thus had a more legitimate claim to the Throne than the Windsors. She refused to “play ball” with the current monarchy, who are allied with the Rothschilds in the NWO scheme of things. The Windsors/Rothschilds had planned to marry her off to Bill Clinton, but she refused. A war over control of Diana between the Rothschilds and their NWO rivals (the Rockefellers) eventually led to the decision that she was too much of a loose cannon liability and had to be eliminated.
The key to deciphering all of this was the place where she died: Pont de l’Alma. This was an ancient pagan sacrificial site that had been taken over during the dynasty. The site was chosen to “send a message” to those who know.
There is an ancient legend associated with Pont de l’Alma, that anyone killed there immediately goes to Heaven. Roughly translated, the name means “Bridge of Souls.” It was hoped this would help canonize her into some form of saint, thus helping to create a one-world religion loosely based on a healing Goddess. Both the Rothschilds and the Rockefellers hope to control this new Faith as a means of control.
as they arise, but to be honest, I don’t expect anything to come out of this
inquiry. If the accident actually was an accident, then the findings will
(hopefully) show that. If there was foul play afoot, then MI-6 has had six
years in which to cover their tracks.
Details as they arise, but to be honest, I don’t expect anything to come out of this inquiry. If the accident actually was an accident, then the findings will (hopefully) show that. If there was foul play afoot, then MI-6 has had six years in which to cover their tracks.
"Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."
—Governor George W. Bush, Jr.
On Christmas Day, the European space explorer Beagle II touched down on Mars, and nary a yap has been heard from it since. This makes the ratio of successful Mars landings 5 out of 15, with the five good ones being the two Viking probes, Pathfinder, and the two recent rovers, Spirit and Oportunity, which landed about a week after Beagle.
Astronomers and astrophysicists have offered a great range of explanations for Beagle’s failure, running the gamut from destruction on impact to atmospheric disturbances preventing signals getting through.
Of course, the real reason for this dismal rate of failure is pretty simple: the Martians keep eating them.
If you’re wondering why there have been four good missions to Mars, the answer is because they were American, and were specifically set down in barren, uninhabited parts of the Red Planet. This was done intentionally, as a massive misinformation campaign to make Earthlings think there was nothing there. The Martians have been on this planet for almost sixty years, ever since they successfully landed at Grover’s Mill, New Jersey on Halloween 1938.
And I bet y’all thought that Orson Welles ‘War of the Worlds’ radio broadcast was a hoax. Ha!
I should take a moment to point out that the Martians are not to be confused with what most people stereotypically think of as aliens, the “Grays.” Get your facts straight: Martians have green skin and tentacles, Grays have gray skin and almond eyes. The Grays are from Sirius, and were the ones who wrecked outside Roswell in ’47. Not much of a threat, actually. After all, they build the kind of spaceships that crash, and when they do make it out here, they’re predominantly occupied with gang probing and leaving graffiti tags in the form of crop circles.
Trust me, folks: it’s the Martians you gotta watch out for. They have the Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator, and have long been grumbling that we obstruct their view of Venus....
Ask Evil Matt
The Evil One fields your queries, as channeled by Sister Ob’dewlla ‘X’.
Q: What is the top-selling music single of all time?
A: “Candle in the Wind” by Elton John, with over 37 million copies sold to date. Yeah, I was surprised, too; I was expecting “We Are the World.”
Q: What was the successful operation rate of the Saturn rocket? You get bonus flax if you can verify/dispel the 'missing blueprints' conspiracy theory.
A: First of all, there were five series of Saturn rockets: the Saturn I through the Saturn V; think of them as ‘version numbers’ if you want. The Saturn V is the most famous one; when you think ‘Saturn rocket,’ this is the one that that comes to mind. All Apollo launches used a Saturn of some sort. Apollo 1 caught fire and killed all three astronauts; the fire was caused by wiring in the capsule, not by a problem with the Saturn I itself. Likewise, the problem plaguing Apollo 13 was from a coolant tank in the service module, not from the Saturn V. As near as I can tell, their operational record (all series) was/is perfect.
As for the bonus question, I cannot find anything definitive on this one way or another. Although the “plans were intentionally misplaced” conspiracy theory is adamantly championed by Ramanujian (aka its anagram, Marijuana N,) I just don’t buy it. There are currently only three Saturn V’s left, and NASA (thanks to Dubya’s new space initiative drumbeating) plans to design something newer and more up-to-date. Of course, cynics see this as porkbarrel payoffs to defense contractors, because what do you bet the same rocket will also make a great ICBM? The “official” reason to build a new rocket is because Saturn V technology is officially considered ‘obsolete’/‘out of date’, and presumably parts are incompatible with what we use today. However, since they still have three rockets, it would be easy enough to reverse-engineer one of them and start churning out clones. Whatever; like I said, I smell ‘pork’ behind the motive to abandon the Saturn, not the ‘we deliberately destroyed the plans to prevent anyone from returning because of what we really found’ variant Ramanujian once explained over Thai noodles up at Ice Station Zappa. Ram usually knows what he's talking about, though; he was the first to clue me in on the Hale-Bop comet trailer anomaly, and how some people thought it might be a ufo. That was months before the Heaven’s Gate horror, by the way, so I usually give him the benefit of the doubt. But not this time, until at least he can clarify or prove his theorem to my satisfaction.
By the way, Nazi V-2 pioneer Werner Von Braun was one of the principal designers of the Saturn series, so if they did “lose” the plans, it was probably to hide the swastika doodles in the margins...
Q: Does thinking burn calories?
A: Technically yes, as the neurons require energy to fire. However, I have been unable to find any hard numbers on roughly how much energy is consumed (calorie-wise) other than vague statements that the amount is ‘negligible,’ even when compared to other low-calorie-burners like blinking.
Q: What is the current U.S. deficit, and what is the interest rate on it?
A: According to the Debt Clock on CapitalUpdates.com, on January 25th, 2004 the United States owed itself $7,030,944,761,856. I have been so far unable to find out what the interest rate on it is.
Got a question? .
The Hedgehog Corner
By Harriet the Hedgehog
Hogs of War
Last issue we explored the legacy of Military Hedgehogs, and how hedgehogs have influenced organized human aggression. I see this as jealousy, of course: hedgehogs have a natural armor (quills) that serves as both defensive weaponry but can also inflict damage. Our chuff is most feared among species and inflicts more terror among enemies than any of your was whoops or screams. What have you humans got? Nothing built in, though brains and opposable thumbs have apparently helped you out over the years.
Still, rather than dealing with you human copyclones, lets look at the masters of military strategy: the Hedgehog.
Now if you ask a half dozen human military historians who the best general in a war ever was, at least three out of the six will tell you Napoleon. He was good for a human, but it’s probably worth pointing out that Napoleon did have a pet hedgie. Still, ol’ Boners there couldn’t have held a candle to any of our hedgehog generals, and actually I wouldn’t be surprised if Le’Chuffie had been giving his human “master” some tips.
Although we ’hogs are clearly the superior species on this planet, it did take us a few thousand years to come to this point. While you humans were still swinging from trees, we had complex civilizations spanning several continents. Sadly, these vast hedgehog city-states did not always get along, and the wars between them would be the stuff of legend were there only a Hedgehogian Homer or Ovid to have chronicled them.
Fortunately, we’ve advanced past that aggressive stage since those dark days, and while we have stopped practicing war, we at least still kept records of how we did things. One of the classic tomes of tactical strategy was written by the sagacious hedgehog strategician, Chuff Tzu, in his monumental military manual, The Art of Chuff. This work is still in print (in hedgehog circles) and is studied religiously by corporate ’hogs who apply its lessons to the business environment rather than the battlefield. (Please remember: before you humans had invented the wheel, we hedgehogs had invented merchant banking.)
While Chuff Tzu holds a legendary status among hedgehog generals, he was not the only famous one from our ranks. A small sampling of other military insectivores include:
Known as “Hell on Quills,” he was famous for carrying two
ivory-handled quills as personal weapons. Hedgepatton lost favor when
he slapped an infantry grunt ’hog in a field hospital for perceived cowardice,
but redeemed himself at the Battle of Bastogne Bush when he pulled a
logistical miracle and burrowed through some thick roots to get his troops
where they needed to be.
Alexander the Hog.
Conquered an entire field before he was 30, and when he saw there were no
more yards to conquer he wept. He built a large burrow on a drainage
ditch known as Chuffexandria, which for centuries was the center of
academia and learning.
A brilliant tactician who went turnquill, trading plans for Fort Insectivore
for a plate full of juicy mealie worms. Before this ignoble event, he
was General Washingchuf’s right hand
’hog and responsible for some key
victories in the Colonial Hedgehog Rebellion.
Norman Schwartzhogg. A burly, brutal hedgehog who led a decisive 100-hour war over some nomadic hedgehogs who had invaded their part of the carpet. Known for the quote, “that was easy; now it’s nap time.”
So as you can see, we hedgehogs have portfolio when it comes to armed conflict. Said it before, and I’ll say it again: Don’t mess with hedgehogs, or we’ll chuff you up!
Trust no one
and Always keep your lighter handy!
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